0
0
If you’ve been following Sammy Sportface this year, you’re well aware he quotes himself a lot, which is the zenith of narcissism. And he quotes other people saying things – professional athletes, supposed friends, coaches – that make us all cringe.
But these quotes are important to rehash and feel the emotions of – over and over. Before the ball drops in New York’s Time Square ushering in the new year, let’s drag you down memory lane one more time regurgitating Sammy Sportface’s worst quotes of the year.
Fireball Frizz calls out Sportface for inappropriate tailgate behavior:
“No shots for you at today’s tailgate. And no more mooching all the tailgate grub from a bunch of strangers who were Wake Forest graduates six years earlier than you. Don’t come in today pretending you know these guys cuz you don’t. And don’t do like last time and eat six plates full of apple pie and rave to everybody how great the apple pie is. You’re a mooch and fraud and a disloyal, highly unhinged Wake Forest football fan. We need normal people at our tailgate today who are coming to cheer for Wake Forest to beat NC State and get the inside pole position to go to the ACC championship game where we’ll be chugging Fireball Frizzes without you. You are a football tailgate menace, Sammy Sportface. You show up and fondle a dozen pieces of Bojangles chicken before deciding which six you’re going to eat. And all you eat is chicken and apple pie. There are plenty of other items on the spread including pasta salad but you don’t even care about pasta salad.
“What’s with you, Sportface? I’m telling you, you’ve given us all a bad taste in our mouths this week for having predicted Wake would go for the scoring record for most points allowed by a defense in the 151 years of college football. While that may happen, you don’t need to keep harping on it. You need to stay away from the tailgate today, Sportface. You’re not one of us. You’re somebody else from somewhere we don’t understand nor want to know about.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Sportface on his pioneering initiatives dropping in uninvited on supposed friends and people he’s known:
“Sportface is the trailblazer and poster child of this disturbing national phenomenon. Over the past months I’ve been knocking on doors of people I know who I haven’t seen in years totally out of nowhere and with no good reason to be invading their lives. You wouldn’t believe the expressions on their faces when they see you on their front doorstep. It ranges from dismay to anger to fear and anxiety. I think this trend needs to grow five-fold over the next three months across America to see how much fun, spontaneity, acrimony, and family squabbles it can cause in countless peoples’ lives. Societal norms need to be shaken up.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Bill Walton while smoking weed during Super Bowl week with Ricky Williams:
“Oh for the love of all the football gods and goddesses who have ever made love. This is a masterpiece. Here we are, smoking weed the night before the most momentous and malicious Super Bowl ever, witnessing a strategic plot of the highest level of sophistication by the game’s most revered schemer of all time, full of rank jealousy, desperately trying to prevent the quarterback he cut from winning. It’s got everything: Shakespearean tragedy, modern technology, pettiness, the Edge’s winter cap, and an entirely insane idea. Ricky, give me that joint. I definitely need to take a hit like no hit I’ve ever taken over my luscious life.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Bill Walton on the tailgate at Lambeau Field in Green Bay:
“This is just so beyond unbelievable. We’ve got cow dung flying over Lambeau Field thrown by three of the greatest quarterbacks the world has ever seen. Poop brings us back to our roots, to the basics of life, how we got here and where we’re going, where one day we’ll turn to ashes, but for now, we explore all that is great about the tremendous treats that come out of the backside of cows. It’s just amazing what those cows do and how they do it, making frisbees, I mean, you’ve just gotta appreciate such beauty.
“Cows bring us together, make us all feel whole with all people, animals, the ground, and soil. We slaughter them and eat them and throw their crap around and the Foreman Five breakdance while juggling their crap. It’s just so much beyond description what it’s like being here today like we’re all born again into a cosmic new dimension of existence with pot being smoked and Cheech and Chong hanging out. What an otherworldly experience this is by any measure you can imagine.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
After naming himself the new defensive coordinator for the Wake Forest football team, Sportface gave a speech to the team and said this (Dumb Dumb was the previous defensive coordinator who created the worst defense in college football history):
“You see these electric football players, Dumb Dumb. They’re electronic and aren’t really human beings. But they have instincts and when their football field vibrates they have a sense of where they need to be much better than the defensive players on your team had against Army. As a matter of fact, this group of electric football players would have held Army to less than 56 points and they’re not even as big as your guys and don’t have brains. That’s how bad your defense played. Worse than a bunch of fake toys that look like football players but are only two inches tall and only move when the field vibrates. They’re wholly dependent on electricity. And see their jerseys? Every one of them is named Sportface. They all have the same name. They have no individuality. They’re Sammy Sportface clones who can’t think for themselves.”
“This is what you need to do, Dumb Dumb. Go to your local department store and get an electric football game. Squat on the floor and play it alone in your basement for the next several months and never leave your basement. I’ll tell Coach Clawson that I’m taking over as defensive coordinator to make sure this team goes all the way undefeated and wins the national title. Your job is to stay as far away from coaching the Wake Forest defense as anyone can. Don’t come out of your basement until after the season ends. Keep watching those players vibrate on the field and don’t come out. While down there, make sure to dust off your resume and send it out to people in other professions because you’re never going to get a job coaching football again at any level. Maybe you can become an electrician who repairs broken electric football games. Or you can enter the witness protection program and change your name to Sammy Sportface. No one will know who you are.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Phil Michelson responded to Sportface calling him a mental lightweight on the golf course:
“Ah, I know Sportface. He was just busting everybody’s balls. He’s written about me gambling all the time and, while I gamble a whole lot, I don’t do it all the time. Sportface doesn’t know what he’s talking about, obviously, but that’s not his agenda. Not sure what his agenda is. Still, everybody should read his stuff. It’ll quiet the creepy voices in their heads. After reading what he wrote about me today before the final round, I felt a sense of inner peace and serenity. Sportface has a way of soothing your soul.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Sportface on why Olympic swimmers should compete in the nude:
“Nakedness will cut drag for the swimmers so more world records are bound to be broken. Any everybody else watching in the nude will feel unity and togetherness, a social bond stretching from Southeast Asia to the shores of Saudi Arabia. The Olympics started in the nude and it’s now time to bring all that nudity back to the forefront where it’s always belonged.”
John Madden talks about the guys he loves more than anyone on Earth, Brett Favre:
“I just wanna say that this is the most incredible honor of my life to be talking tonight about a guy who’s like no one else the world has ever seen and never will again. I’m talking about Brett Favre. I mean you wouldn’t believe what this guy has done over the past few weeks. He’s gotten into a scuba diving outfit and retrieved Charles Barkley’s golf ball from Turducken Pond. He’s run 200 miles an hour next to Danica Patrick’s car in the Lambeau Field Parking lot. He’s played quarterback for the Denver Broncos and Washington Snyders including his usual 10 TDs and 11 pics in each game. He’s thrown a football over the Superdome and driven an 18-wheeler truck over the Superdome while throwing a football to Antonio Brown on an air balloon. He’s thrown a Wisconsin cow poop chip into the solar system. And right here in Tom Brady Town this week he walked 200 feet on a tightrope the width of tooth floss without falling. Watching Brett Favre do all this has been the greatest time of my life. And for that, I want to give Brett the Turducken Award for 2020, which he has won for the 20th straight year.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Bill Walton, while with Ricky Williams, out at sea during Super Bowl week in Tampa, when a major hurricane hits:
“Think of all the books and movies you’ve read wondering what it would be like to get eaten by a great white shark while deep-sea fishing stoned out of your mind, Ricky. We’re living that fantasy right now, here in God’s deep blue sea, overwhelmed by the ferocious forces of Mother Nature herself.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Rudy to Sportface in fifth grade after he saw Cheryl Tiegs in the fishnet suit in Sports Illustrated:
“I’ve never felt like this before in my life, Sportface. That picture has changed me. I’m no longer a boy. I feel something I’ve never felt before. It’s so weird and uncontrollable. Now get out of my house, Sportface. I need to be alone.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Sportface on the girl he took to his high school senior prom:
“Senior year I took some girl named Ann who threw up in my car all night because she drank too much. That was special. I remember thinking to myself then that I would write a blog about that experience 40 years later, nearing old age, from a skyscraper in Myrtle Beach with bald-headed Whit, Head, and Wolfford regaling us of his high school glory days. Sure enough, that’s how it all played out.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Bill Walton, while with Sportface, discussing Grand Canyon’s qualification for the March Madness tournament:
“Here we are, Sportface, four days before Grand Canyon plays hanging out at the peak of the Grand Canyon just taking all this natural beauty of giganticness in. Can you imagine if the Grateful Dead had played at the base of the Grand Canyon? I would go down there no matter how deep into the Earth the show took place. Just think, going a mile deep into the Earth’s core to watch the Dead perform. What a trip that would be.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Walton talking about March Madness with Sportface at the Shell Gas Station:
“What a fabulous field we have to feast on this year. It’s going to be like eating Twinkies in Sportface’s Chevelle for three straight weeks. Think of the magnificence of this tournament. Teams from the Big Sky Conference. I always get high when I broadcast Big Sky games. And all other games. Teams from the Great Northwest like Gonzaga. It’s time for Mark Few to win a Few big games before they choke by a Few in the Sweet 16. Teams from the Midwest: Illinois, Michigan, some team that calls themselves the Antelopes. Can you imagine how stoned the person was who named his school mascot the antelopes? I wanna party with him. What a country we live in. What a lewd experience it is to live during March Madness.”
Tom Brady about Bill Belichick trying to scheme to prevent Brady from winning seven Super Bowls:
“The guy who thinks he’s the ultimate strategist, the smartest guy in the room, the clever cuss who cuts guys ruthlessly and wanted to cut me after sacrificing my entire life to win him six Super Bowls, has been exposed for who he is, a jealous loser. He’s not the best football mind of all time. I am. And I just proved it. I’m especially proud to win six Super Bowls and the first Super Bowl SS (Sammy Sportface). And now it’s time to get to work to win my second Super Bowl SS.”
John Madden gushing about Brett Favre catapulting a truck over the Super Dome:
“I mean, how can anyone but Brett Favre even think of doing something like this, I mean, boom, it could only be Brett Favre? He’s gonna fly up in the air in the 18 wheeler, toss a football to Antonio Brown in an air balloon, and then, boom, land the truck on the other side of the Superdome.”
Bert, Sportface’s boyhood friend, griping about Sportface dropping in uninvited:
“I wish Sportface would stop calling me out of nowhere after not seeing him for a year and demand I come to see him so he can talk all about himself and his issues,” said Bert, who is six foot ten and was a high-school American in high school hoops but scored 12 points less than Sportface in the McDonalds Capital Classic.
“I mean, it’s not like I ever think about the guy or call him up to just chat because when I do it’s just not an enjoyable experience. When is Sportface going to stop parachuting into my life and totally disrupting the mojo of my life?”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Jeb Hillbillie, a star of “The Beverly Hillbillies” TV Show, wondering why he would want to travel with Sportface and the crew to New Orleans for an NFL playoff game:
“Why would I want to go to New Orleans? I’m from the Ozarks in Missouri and my show went off the air four decades ago. Plus, I’m not even a real person. This whole trip is not making a lot of sense to me. Grilling and tailgating and the Fez band playing at SportStock. What’s going on? What a trip we’re all on.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Sportface raves about the talents of the owner of The Washington Football Team, Dan Snyder:
“Washingtonians love Dan Synder and want to celebrate the man and give him his due for all the great football teams he’s built for our city. I think he’s been unfairly criticized and deserves credit for his team finishing 7 and 9 this season. To kick off the world’s most wickedly wonderful Wild Card Weekend, it’s high time we celebrate our owner and throw a party like none other in the history of the world including those that were off the reservation during the reign of the Roman empire.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
John Madden talking about the perfect night of football tailgating:
“I mean, this is just the perfect night. Brett Favre threw his usual 10 interceptions and 11 touchdown passes, we’re all here eating at Sportface’s favorite diner, and I mean I mean, boom, Brett Favre is here with us. I’ve had some good times riding around the country in the Madden Cruiser but I have to say this is the greatest road trip I’ve ever been on. And it’s all because we’re with Brett Favre.”
Sonny Tarzan tear into Sammy Sportface:
“You must be referring to yourself, Sammy Sportface. You have no status. You have no power. You influence no one. You concern yourself with sports, silly games. Power is a mindset. You either feel you’re powerful and influential or you don’t. Sonny Tarzan knows he’s the most powerful person on Earth.
He can break anything he wants into pieces using His brain alone. He tears down mountains, climbs mountains, assassinates animals on mountains, cooks them over a fire, and eats them for dinner. That’s power, Sportface. Influence is not something Sonny Tarzan wants or needs. It’s something He is. Every cell in His body howls influence. Influence is His blood type.
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Sportface introduces Riley Skinner to this year’s Wake Forest football team to fire them up:
“I have a special guest I want to introduce. He was a nobody out of Jacksonville, Florida years ago. From nowhere and total obscurity, he rose from the ground, got put into a Wake Forest football game early in his freshman year. From there it was utter madness and bliss. As shocking as the creation of the world itself, as mysterious as a Sammy Sportface blog, as wondrous as a Fall day in Winston-Salem, this guy lifted Wake Forest out of its football coffin into the blue skies above us into the clouds and towards Heaven for all eternity. He took us to the Orange Bowl. He is the almighty, the everlasting school hero, Riley Skinner, who is a winner.”
Nick Saban explains why he wants Sportface to coach the Crimson Tide defense:
“I have no idea what electric football schemes Sportface uses and don’t care as long as he helps me win more national championships. All I know is when he takes over the defensive signal calling, his units respond. They shut down opponents. Army burned a 56 burger on Wake Forest without him. With him, Duke barely managed a single tuddy.”
Olympics shot putter Raven Sanders explains why she wore a Halloween mask during competition this year:
“I like to go all Halloween and freak out my opponents. Being a freak gets my freak on. I heave the shot put further when I look like a weird monster. And my opponents get so distracted they don’t throw the shot put as far. They’re more concerned with how weird I’m acting. It’s a win-win for me, masks, and monsters.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Head of the International Olympic Committee, Thomas Bach, explains why the new event in 2021 would be heaving kitchen appliances:
“Since the Games began in Greece in 776 BC, athletes have always thrown the shot put, discus and javelin. We decided it was time to bring these heaving events into the 21st Century. Representatives from all 205 countries voted on what the athletes would throw, and small kitchen appliances rose to the top as the clear category of choice.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Rudy heckling Sportface and friends after blowing off the summer boat booze crooze:
“Those suckers. They fell for my BS again. And what makes this stunt even more satisfying for me is I made these guys delay the Booze Crooze for two months to accommodate my schedule and I’m still not showing up. I’m Edding on these losers big-time. What fools.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Brods complaining about Sportface’s behavior when he showed up at his house:
“Sportface showed up at my house, ate all my Salt Water Taffy, asked me a bunch of stupid questions about how to play the guitar, and then insisted that Clyde’s waiters bring him a full bottle of A1 Sauce for his steak.
“He doesn’t know how to read the room. This wasn’t the kind of restaurant that brings out A1 Sauce bottles. I was mortified. This was at my Cheers Bar where everybody knows my name. I’m glad Sportface left my crib and town quickly before anyone else got to meet him.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Stoned Sprinter to Sportface on getting high before the race and what happened:
“I did a few bongs hits about an hour before the race and got really hungry. So I went to the local supermarket and bought Honey Mustard Pretzels, Cheetos, Barbecue Fritos, and Hostess Cup Cakes. I lost track of time. But it doesn’t matter. I’m really stoned and it feels really good like I’m floating above Tokyo looking down on the Olympic Stadium like a fairy godmother or something.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Whit telling Sportface about his fetish for fishheads:
“I’m not a big fried food guy,” he said while puffing a Camel for his after-dinner smoke. “I like half-cooked, half-alive fish. That way I can be involved in killing off the fish with my machete. It takes the dining experience to a whole new level. You get to feel like an outdoor fisherman in the deep blue sea reeling in, capturing, and ending the life of your dinner. It’s like going deep-sea fishing without the jellyfish.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Sportface explains why he rolled out a new logo in 2021:
“It was time to give this whole campaign a new look and feel. The Sportface and Spars podcast was a complete bust. The Sportface Short Takes aren’t resonating. And no one’s feeling engaged with what this organization is trying to accomplish.”
https://ngscsports.com/2021/
Author Profile
-
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
Sammy Sportface Has a Vision -- Check It Out
Sammy Sportface -- The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog -- Facebook Page
Latest entries
BonusApril 24, 2024German Rides Record 93-Foot Wave In Run Up to Olympics Surfing
BonusApril 22, 2024Old Friends Reconnect As New Friends
BonusApril 21, 2024Sportface Unveils Board of Directors to Land Sneaker Deal
BonusApril 20, 2024A Horrible Life Becomes Great