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For those of you who don’t remember, or don’t want to remember, the story of Tom Brady leaving the New England Patriots began last March.
Ever since that cataclysmic sporting event, right here Sammy Sportface has been tracing his maneuverings, movements, and mind-games along with those of his former coach Bill Belichick, whom he doesn’t like, and former owner, Robert Kraft, who took his boy Tommie on trips to Europe in the offseason.
From Seattle to Boston to Daytona Beach to the Ozark Mountains of Missouri, this has been a story you’ve been reading about step-by-misstep, argument-by-argument, party-scene-by-party scene, substance-by-substance, tailgate-by-tailgate, bruised ego-by-bruised ego.
It began with Brady moving to Seattle to play for the XFL’s Seattle Dragons. When that league folded in less than 10 days, Brady signed with the Tom Bradys based in Tampa Bay. Now this whole story – as you know – has gone stratospheric, rising to a crescendo with Brady going for his seventh Super Bowl ring this weekend to surpass Belichick.
To celebrate this football story like no other, Roger Goddess, who has been the main character all the way through, insisted on holding a banquet tonight during Super Bowl Week at a swanky Motel 6 on the Gulf of Mexico.
The NFL Commissioner invited everyone who has ever played a role in any of these football soap operas, most recently including SportStock, Sports Gras, Tundra Fest, and Cirque de Sportface.
The electric spread of characters – all of whom showed up, many of whom don’t get along — start streaming into a cheesy, football-field-sized ballroom. It’s adorned with a special guest head table and a gaggle of other tables for the others.
Seats are assigned. Designated for the front table, from left to right, are Joey Chestnut, Forrest Gump, Adam Silver, Luca’s Mom, Roger Goddess, Bill Walton, Ricky Williams, John Madden, Brett Favre, Danica Patrick, Aaron Rodgers, Rosie Rubdown, Robert Kraft, and Andy Reid. Beverages include all-you-can-drink Dr. Peppers and Shamrock Shakes.
“In this unusual football season, I just wanted to thank Sammy Sportface for bringing all of us together on this emotional ride and mental odyssey unlike any other in the history of NFL or anyplace else,” said Goddess. “He’s made football fun and fantastic again. Now I’d like to kick off tonight’s ceremony by introducing John Madden to the microphone.”
The former CBS NFL color man pours out his heart:
“I just wanna say that this is the most incredible honor of my life to be talking tonight about a guy who’s like no one else the world has ever seen and never will again. I’m talking about Brett Favre. I mean you wouldn’t believe what this guy has done over the past few weeks. He’s gotten into a scuba diving outfit and retrieved Charles Barkley’s golf ball from Turducken Pond. He’s run 200 miles an hour next to Danica Patrick’s car in the Lambeau Field Parking lot. He’s played quarterback for the Denver Broncos and Washington Snyders including his usual 10 TDs and 11 pics in each game. He’s thrown a football over the Superdome and driven an 18-wheeler truck over the Superdome while throwing a football to Antonio Brown on an air balloon. He’s thrown a Wisconsin cow poop chip into the solar system. And right here in Tom Brady Town this week he walked 200 feet on a tightrope the width of tooth floss without falling. Watching Brett Favre do all this has been the greatest time of my life. And for that, I want to give Brett the Turducken Award for 2020, which he has won for the 20th straight year.”
Favre stands up in his Wrangler Jeans, Tommie Copper torso belt, and #420 jersey Gronk gave him and struts to accept the trophy. During his acceptance speech, Kraft hands a package under the table to Andy Reed.
“I just wanna say,” said Favre, “the best part of all this was spending time with Danica Patrick, the girlfriend of Aaron Rodgers, in the Weinermobile.”
Then Antonio Brown takes the microphone: “Hey I owe my NFL comeback to Sammy Sportface. When I got cut by the Raiders and Patriots in the span of three weeks in 2019, I was down and out. But Sportface believed in me. He brought me into his story as the air balloon pilot and that led me to Tom Brady, who asked me to play for the Tom Bradys.”
Kraft grabbed the microphone from AB: “Sammy Sportface is a schmuck. He’s been writing crap about our football franchise for 10 straight months. After we coerce Tom Brady back on our team after he loses the Super Bowl on Sunday, we’re gonna sideswipe Sammy Sportface.”
At this moment, appropriately, the Flo Rida rock band cranked up this tune:
Everybody got on the dance floor and lost control of themselves even Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies. The Foreman Five broke out in a breakdance routine. And the bearded lady did the rumba with James Harden, The Beard.
It was all pretty weird.
To be continued…
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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