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The rest of you wall climbers getting in reps each day now for the Summer Olympics are merely competing for the Silver Medal because there’s one guy who’s guaranteed to win Gold: Spiderman.
With hands laced with thorn-like hairs and Elmer’s Glue-like fluids, he’ll be able to easily pry into and stick to walls and quickly traverse upward like a spider would but using human movements and alacrity.
He’ll take Gold in the two climbing events in Paris, one in which contestants are required to climb a 15-foot wall in less than six seconds, and the other a 4.5-meter wall climb without a rope.
“Never have needed a rope to climb across Manhattan skyscrapers,” said Spiderman from a street corner next to the Empire State Building. “I got me some spiderweb hands. I can cling.”
The superhero will be coming out of retirement for this summer’s Olympics as a second act after his ascent to fame on TV in the 1970s. The only reason he hasn’t competed in the Olympics before is because it only became an official event in 2020 and he had Covid at the time and needed to rest up.
For the Olympics, he’ll be wearing his patented tight blue-trimmed full-body stocking with fire engine red spider web-like trimming. His outfit is eerily similar to the body stocking The Riddler sported on “Batman,” which isn’t a compliment.
Nevertheless, oddsmakers in Vegas have big money down on Spiderman being the heavy favorite to win the climbing events this summer and all others through the 2070 Summer Olympics. Once he hauls in two Golds at each of the Olympics through that year he will have amassed 26 Gold Medals, the most of any Olympics athlete.
“My goal is to win more Golds than Michael Phelps,” said Spiderman while clinging to the top of the outside of the Empire State Building as part of his bi-weekly Olympics training exercise.
“Once I bring back to Gotham more Golds than anyone else, I’m going to stop climbing walls mostly because it’s pointless and also because spiders creep me out.”
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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