–Sports Blogger to Employ Electric Football Concepts–
Sammy Sportface stands in front of his jumbotron flatscreen in his backyard where electric football video clips run wild and vibrate so powerfully neighborhood tree leaves fall furiously.
With pointer in hand, he starts scolding the defensive coordinator for the Wake Forest football team, Denny “Dumb Dumb” Defense, about how to stop Duke from scoring 56 points this weekend. That’s the same video game total Army posted on Wake last weekend at West Point.
“Your defense gave up more points to Army than any college football ever has last weekend,” said Sportface. “And that’s not gonna keep you in your job much longer. You don’t stick around as a defensive coordinator when your team, which is much bigger and more athletic, gets destroyed by an Army offense much smaller than your defense.”
Dumb Dumb says: “We thought we were ready for the Army offense. I swear we practiced how to stop the dive up the middle and fake dive and pitch sweep hundreds of times to get ready. But we had a tough time figuring it out. We had a plan going in.”
“Did you say tough time figuring it out?” asked Sportface. “You never figured it out. Your defense didn’t execute the plan. You gave up 567 yards in rushing to Army and let them put a 56 spot on the scoreboard. Army isn’t Alabama. Army is Army. They’re not supposed to dominate anyone offensively like they did your defense. Do you have any idea how insecure your job situation is right now, Dumb Dumb? Do you know how many Wake Forest fans including renowned and influential sports blogger Sammy Sportface are calling for you to resign right now for fear your deficient defensive unit will ruin what could be the first perfect season in Wake Forest football history? This is a serious situation and a diabolical one from Dumb Dumb.”
Sportface then turns to the electrical football screen and wields his pointer.
“When Duke lines up on offensive this Saturday, I want six defensive linemen in the game and five linebackers and no defensive backs. If Duke completes the first few passes, so be it. You need to prove to me your defense can stop the Duke running game first and foremost because for Wake to win the national title they have to be able to stop the run especially when they go against the Crimson Tide in the national title game.”
“If we do that, Duke will throw the ball and score touchdowns easily and I’ll lose my job right after the Duke game,” said Dumb Dumb.
“You’re gonna lose your job real soon so you might as well lose it after the Duke game,” said Sportface. “That’ll give you time to contact your real estate agent and put your house on the market and get your resume out for some other line of work. You’ll need to re-skill yourself in some non-football field because no college high school or Pop Warner team wants a defensive coordinator who develops a sorry ass scheme that allows Army to score 56 points in a single football game.”
“Is my situation really that dire, Sportface?” asked Denny.
“It’s worse than dire,” said Sportface. “If I were you, I would resign tonight. I’m going to call Coach Clawson tonight and tell him that Sammy Sportface has named himself the new defensive coordinator for the rest of the season. With a 7 and 0 record, this is no time to be playing around. Wake needs the football acumen of Sammy Sportface.”
“What do you know about defense?” asked Dumb Dumb.
“I believe in extremism,” said Sportface. “Confuse the defense by lining up like you have no defensive backs on the field. Dare them to pass. Give up a few big plays to get their confidence up. Then insert defensive backs in as linebackers and when the plays start have them drop back as defensive backs and pick off passes and run them back for pick-sixes.”
But that’s just one concept Sportface shares. He also believes that in order to win you have to play unconventional and weird mental tricks with the Duke quarterback.
“As he comes to the line of scrimmage, all my defensive players will shout in unison ‘Sportface, Sportface, Sportface.’ That’ll confuse the quarterback. He won’t be expecting it. And he won’t be able to concentrate on the plays he’s called.”
“That’s stupid, Sportface,” said Dumb Dumb. “He’ll know yelling Sportface is just a cheap gimmick. For a few plays, it might bother him but after that, he’ll just have his offensive players yell “Sportface” back at the defense, then all 45,659 fans will yell Sportface and everybody will get used to it and the game will go on.”
“You have no credibility to be saying anything to me about coaching defense,” said Sportface. “Your defensive unit gave up 56 points to Army. That’s gonna be on your tombstone: I gave up a 56 spot to Army.”
Sportface turns to the screen.
“You see these electric football players, Dumb Dumb,” says Sportface. “They’re electronic and aren’t really human beings. But they have instincts and when their football field vibrates they have a sense of where they need to be much better than the defensive players on your team had against Army. As a matter of fact, this group of electric football players would have held Army to less than 56 points and they’re not even as big as your guys and don’t have brains. That’s how bad your defense played. Worse than a bunch of fake toys that look like football players but are only two inches tall and only move when the field vibrates. They’re wholly dependent on electricity. And see their jerseys. Every one of them is named Sportface. They all have the same name. They have no individuality. They’re Sammy Sportface clones who can’t think for themselves.”
“This is what you need to do, Dumb Dumb,” said Sportface. “Go to your local department store and get you an electric football game. Squat on the floor and play it alone in your basement for the next several months and never leave your basement. I’ll tell Coach Clawson that I’m taking over as defensive coordinator to make sure this team goes all the way undefeated and wins the national title. Your job is to stay as far away from coaching the Wake Forest defense as anyone can. Don’t come out of your basement until after the season ends. Keep watching those players vibrate on the field and don’t come out. While down there, make sure to dust off your resume and send it out to people in other professions because you’re never going to get a job coaching football again at any level. Maybe you can become an electrician who repairs broken electric football games. Or you can enter the witness protection program and change your name to Sammy Sportface. No one will know who you are.”
To be continued…
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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