After crumbling under the mental duress of today’s PGA Final Round, Brooks Koepka took to the airwaves and blamed the blog he read about himself earlier in the day by Sammy Sportface for his embarrassing choke.
“Sportface convinced me in reading about myself that I had more mental toughness than Phil Mickelson,” said Koepka. “After reading that, there was no way anyone could have thought I would be the mental weakling out there. He deified me. He had me convinced I’m the cockiest golfer who ever lived and would never succumb to the pressure. I was thinking about what he wrote the entire round and it got into my head big-time. I knew he was wrong about me and felt his blog put way too much-undeserved pressure on me and I caved in the biggest moment of my golfing career.”
Sure did. All round long Katy Koepka sprayed his tee-shots far left and right and behind trees and into sand traps. On the par fives, which he had been crushing in the first three rounds, Katy shanked shots all over the golf course and lost several strokes.
“Today I proved I’m not as mentally tough as I thought I was,” he said. “It was all a big act anyway I was putting on to see how long it would last until I got outed. Today I got exposed for who I am, a golfer who runs his mouth but doesn’t back it up in the clutch when the pressure gets too intense. Golf historians will look back on this day and say that this is when my golf career, for all intents and purposes, burned in infamy.”
As for today’s champion, Phil Mickelson, he says he deliberately played much more slowly than usual today because he knows how much Katy hates playing golf and especially with guys who take multiple practice swings and double and triple-check their distance books and peer through their binoculars before every shot.
“I knew the key was to slow everything down so Brooks would have to be out there on a golf course much longer than he wanted to be,” said Lefty. “It’s well known around the tour that he would much rather be in the Bahamas with his girlfriend which is understandable.”
As for Sportface, Mickelson said he read the blog earlier today about him being a mental lightweight.
“Ah, I know Sportface,” he said. “He was just busting everybody’s balls. He’s written about me gambling all the time and, while I gamble a whole lot, I don’t do it all the time. Sportface doesn’t know what he’s talking about, obviously, but that’s not his agenda. Not sure what his agenda is. Still, everybody should steal read his stuff. It’ll quiet the creepy voices in their heads. After reading what he wrote about me today before the final round, I felt a sense of inner peace and serenity. Sportface has a way of soothing your soul.”
Sportface was contacted for this story. But he declined to comment. He said he was busy responding to irate sports fans Tweeting and commenting at him who was led to believe by him that Koepka would win today and felt misled because Mickelson proved himself more mentally though than Katy – exactly the opposite of what Sportface foreshadowed.
“Sportface proved today how spectacularly stupid he is,” said Stephen A. during the NBA half-time show. “I’ve been telling everybody that for months but nobody, and I mean nobody, would listen. Finally, justice prevails. We’ve put a pitchfork through the corrupt and calamitous career of Sammy Sportface.”