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To help you guys, I’ve been probing deep into what it is that bothers and pains you members of the Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog Facebook Group.
I found out from reading Men’s Journal, Mad Magazine, Sports Illustrated, Wikipedia Britannica, The World According to Garp, Encyclopedia Britannica (letters F through L), Tank McNamara, and then listening to Tony Robbins and Wayne Dyer and Tim Tebow podcasts tapes that you’ve got some issues.
You fear a loss of professional identity, relevance, talent, status, power, and influence. You don’t want to lose things but feel it’s all slipping away like when the sand poured down the Wicked Witch’s hourglass meaning Dorothy was in deep trouble.
You’re concerned about saving for retirement, how you’re going to pay for your expenses given you’re probably going to live 10 years longer than previous generations. You’re worried about rising healthcare costs. Stress Street you’re swerving down.
Well, I’m here to tell you that none of these problems are solvable. You’re doomed to dark and lonely days ahead. It’s going to be painful and odious and unpleasant. Strap on your jockstraps. You’re in for a journey into torturous marginalism and stark oblivion.
So the only place to turn for guidance on how to cope with this haunting reality is another Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog Facebooker: Sonny Tarzan (ST). Not one of our mainstream members, he’s really an outcast and pariah in this crowd. He’s the most outspoken malcontent member of the Baby Boomer Brotherhood who thinks often that the world is about to end and how He’s got to be the one guy left standing with his pitchfork in hand and toolbelt wrapped around his waist with a dark brown thong holding him together as the rest of us fall into the abyss.
Picture Tarzan with shoddy tan sandals and the IQ of God Himself. He’s got the empathy-lacking skills of Michael Corleone and the natural ability to command a room the way Arthur Fonzarelli did once he became the main character on “Happy Days.”
We must come to terms with this troubling reality: Sonny Tarzan’s the only guy who has the answers to our questions that vex us as He thinks about mortality and His place in biblical history and measures His legacy against Napoleon and the Vikings.
He’s the one guy who has thought all this through to the extent that He figures one day He’ll be on the top of Mount Sinai howling holy wildness drinking Pink Floyd music by the gallon feeling higher than the sky in Kansas in June.
So I Zoom called with Sonny Tarzan the other day feeling hopeful He could help guide us through the rest of our days together until we all crash next to each other, underground surrounded by dirt clawed on by ladybugs and ants in rectangular boxes, finished with Act I of our lives.
This is how Sonny Tarzan and I broke it all down:
Sportface: So Sonny, what should the Baby Boomer Brotherhood do about losing a professional identity?
ST: First of all, they should start by losing their identification with the Sammy Sportface Baby Boomer Brotherhood. That’s a fraudulent group with shallow intent. If they had one scintilla of common sense – which I doubt – they’ll lock onto everything Sonny Tarzan says. He’s the most intelligent man who has ever lived, the all-knowing power this world has unleashed to destroy and rebuild everything about society, the most important person who has ever walked the Earth going back countless centuries even before the dinosaurs.
Sportface: So are you saying the Sammy Sportface Baby Boomer Brotherhood is actually the definition of someone losing his professional identity?
ST: Out, out, damn Sportface. Scram, Sportcuss. Be gone into your little small world of nonsense. You have no identity. Never did. You’re fake. Go away.
Your SS BBBB is not a professional organization of any merit or importance. It’s a colossal waste of time. Most of the time it’s about some stupid sports topic that is beneath my brain powers, so simplistic and inane that it makes my buttocks chafe. If Baby Boomer Men want to gain a professional identity, it all begins with exercising the power of ideas and thought and outthinking everybody else in all generations. But to do that, they need to consult with Sonny Tarzan because He knows more than everyone else. He’s all-knowing. Sportface knows nothing.
Sportface: What about Baby Boomer Men fearing their losing their relevance?
ST: I’ll tell you what’s relevant, me, Sonny Tarzan. He rules all things of relevance. He’s the king and master and lord of insight and wisdom, the patriarch of pride and arrogance and bold bravado, and nobody decides relevance except him. And the only thing of any relevance to Sonny Tarzan is Sonny Tarzan. Off with relevance of any other kind. Cut off its knees. Shoo you, Sportface.
Sportface: What about the fear Baby Boomer Men have of losing their status in society, becoming less powerful and no longer influential?
ST: You must be referring to yourself, Sammy Sportface. You have no status. You have no power. You influence no one. You concern yourself with sports, silly games. Power is a mindset. You either feel you’re powerful and influential or you don’t. Sonny Tarzan knows he’s the most powerful person on Earth.
He can break anything he wants into pieces using His brain alone. He tears down mountains, climbs mountains, assassinates animals on mountains, cooks them over a fire, and eats them for dinner. That’s power, Sportface. Influence is not something Sonny Tarzan wants or needs. It’s something He is. Every cell in His body howls influence. Influence is His blood type.
Sportface: But what about the fact that the average life expectancy has increased by several years of late so many Baby Boomer Men will be hanging around alive longer than previous generations? How are they supposed to cope with that very real possibility?
ST: Why so many stupid questions, Sportface? Don’t you get it? Nothing matters beyond Sonny Tarzan. Whether others live longer isn’t my concern. My only concern is me. My thoughts are about me. My mind is completely focused on me at all times every living moment of my life. Don’t you see, Sportface, that your concerns are not mine? The Baby Boomer Brotherhood is balderdash, a side order of crud.
The answer to all your questions is that Sonny Tarzan smokes mountains of hash.
The rest is trash.
Author Profile
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
Sammy Sportface Has a Vision -- Check It Out
Sammy Sportface -- The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog -- Facebook Page
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