The sports world laughed and scoffed when Sammy Sportface named himself the new defensive coordinator of the Wake Forest football team last week.
He nevertheless inserted himself into the position after the squad gave up 56 points and 56,000 yards to Army two weeks ago.
What a shrewd and ballsy move.
Last night as the defensive mastermind against Duke, the Wake defense only allowed seven points – in garbage time.
“Sportface brought his defensive acumen to our team just when we needed it and rescued us from Army offensive avalanche,” said head coach Dave Clawson.
Sportface has been implementing a new and curiously cryptic defensive scheme founded on the principles he learned as a young lad playing electric football. But the story gets more fascinating.
His defensive genius is not the only way Sportface has been helping Wake Forest continue a dream season now at 8 wins and no losses and a first-of-all-time Associated Press Top 10 national ranking.
Two weeks ago he had the team over to his crib for a tailgate during the bye week and gave out copies of the book, Good to Great. This is the mantra of this year’s team as outlined by coach Clawson. During the gathering, all 103 players stuffed their faces with Bojangles chicken breasts as they listened to former Wake star Riley Skinner give a pep talk and sign Sportface Baby Boomer Brotherhood T-shirts.
Since last night’s remarkable, one-week defensive turnaround, major college football coaches around the country have been contacting Sportface to hire him away from Wake and lead their defenses to key victories in pursuit of a national championship.
“We’ve gotta have Sportface calling our defensive signals to make the college football playoff and win our 18th national football championship in the past 8 years so Bama bumps up my salary to $8 billion a year,” said Alabama coach Nick Saban. “He’s clearly a brilliant defensive mind not to mention an enigmatic sports blogger with a twisted slant on sports.”
An enterprising reporter with Electric Football News starving for a big story asked Saban what of Sportface’s electric football concepts translate to such dominating defensive performances on the field.
“I have no idea what electric football schemes Sportface uses and don’t care as long as he helps me win more national championships,” said Saban. “All I know is when he takes over the defensive signal calling, his units respond. They shut down opponents. Army burned a 56 burger on Wake Forest without him. With him, Duke barely managed a single tuddy.”
Saban, the emperor of college football, repeatedly called Sportface’s house tonight. But the overnight defensive dynamo couldn’t be disrupted. Sportface was buried doing data analytics in his backyard scrolling back and forth through electric football tapes on his jumbotron flatscreen. He was preparing Wake to stop the world’s most accurate passer, North Carolina’s Sam Howell, from destroying Wake’s perfect season next Saturday in Chapel Hill, NC.
Stephen A. Smith, a boisterous, hyper-opinionated, and self-assured reporter with ESPN, called Sportface on speed dial. Because he loves messing with Stephen A., Sportface took this call.
“Hey Sportface, I heard Nick Saban wants to hire you to be his defensive coordinator to lead them to a national title this year. I read it on the Sammy Sportface Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog. I find that absolutely incredulously preposterously.”
“Two years ago you thought Cam Newton wouldn’t be the quarterback of the Patriots when Sportface accurately reported he would before any other sports reporter,” said Sportface. “How many times are you going to have to be flummoxed by Sportface until you realize that it’s Sportface – and not Stephen A. – who dominates the sports media and can also coach shut-down defensive football? Sportface is much more than a one-trick sports pony phony like you. He’s a Renaissance Man, a sportsman’s sportsman. You’re a blasphemous blowhard.”
“You’re fantastically fraudulent,” said Stephan A. “No way you use electric football concepts to fix defensive football foibles. I’m telling you – and I’m not messing around – you ain’t nuthin’, Sportface. I rule the sports world, not no Sammy Snotface.”
Sportface hangs up on Stephen A., who calls ESPN and tells them he has a big scoop that Sammy Sportface will be coaching the Crimson Tide’s defense the rest of the season.
“You’re late, Stephen A.,” said the ESPN News Editor. “We read that on the Sammy Sportface Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog. When are you gonna scoop Sportface for once in your life?”
Sportface takes another call from Wake coach Clawson.
“Hey Sportface, how do we stop Sam Howell from torching us next week and ruining all of our lives forever?”
“Your defensive won’t be able to stop him,” said Sportface. “Electric football is a joke and has nothing to do with real football. You need to create a massive campus controversy that distracts the quarterback, team, and entire student body from focusing on its game against Wake. That’s the only chance you have because Howell is too accurate.”
Sportface tells the coach he’ll be breaking salacious, Watergate-level news soon that will send the Tar Hell Nation into orbit. The report will escalate into a colossal and cataclysmic campus-wide crisis involving the university’s Board of Regents.
To be continued…
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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Sammy Sportface -- The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog -- Facebook Page
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