If you’re going to any college football tailgate reunions, you’ll take giant steps towards losing friends by being a jerk and bringing up these 10 jerk moves five days before the actual event.
Allow me to show you how you do this with my real-world example. This Saturday I’m going to see 35-40 college friends at the football tailgate before, during, and after the Wake Forest Army college football game.
Today, I’m sending this unwelcome email to everyone who’s attending on some topics sure to get at least most – and hopefully all – of them talking about what a jerk I am and hoping I don’t show up.
Jerk Move One: Kick things off by telling this true story involving Marlan Schwartz. Back in 1985 as a senior and already admitted to medical school, Marlan took an Introduction to Sociology class, and, to his dismay, it just so happened that some knucklehead freshman he had met in Birdman’s dorm suite was in the same class.
Having had a few conversations with the new kid curiously named Sammy Sportface, Marlan became supremely confident he would score higher on the mid-term and final exams than Sportface.
But that didn’t happen. Both dudes aced the mid-term – but Sportface scored higher. When the final exam time rolled around, Marlan got in Sportface’s face and guaranteed he would get a higher grade than the freshman on the final.
That turned out to be quite a tall order. On the final Sportface busted a 98. Marlan earned a respectable – but inferior — 92. During the tailgate, ask Marlan why he underestimated the test-taking ability of Sportface. See if that lifts his mood or if you hear excuses pour out of his mug.
Jerk Move Two: When you see Theresa Mosso, confirm with her that she indeed went to Randolph High in Randolph, New Jersey. Then ask her how come every year for the past fifty when her high school has played against the Delbarton School in New Jersey they’ve gotten smoked.
Jerk Move Three: Bring up supply chain issues and the remote working paradigm shift and how it’s affected the cigar business for Scott Zucca. Ask him how he’s had to adjust operations to ship the Cuban cigars over the ocean to get to the South Jersey Country Clubs where he invites Pistol Pete to play every year but not Sportface. Ask him if this blog is a good example of why Sportface doesn’t get the invite, or if he’s afraid Sportface will write him wearing undies to study accounting in college.
Jerk Move Four: This is really going to get you in trouble but just do it anyway because the goal here is to lose friends. Ask Dave Hanby how he got the name Janby and who gave it to him and whether he likes being called Janby more than Hanby. Then ask Janby how come he never hangs out with Sportface even though he’s lived five minutes away from him for over three years. Ask Janby if he thinks Sportface just isn’t a good fit with the Lake Norman elitists.
Jerk Move Five: Ask Jimmy Mac why he felt compelled to wear a Skottish kilt – which let’s be clear was a dress – for Halloween in 1985. Ask him if he’s worn a dress since that night and if he’s ever felt compelled to do so and just suppressed the urge.
Jerk Move Six: Ask Steve Marano why he made fun of Sammy Sportface for wearing a stained and smelly corporate trade show booth shirt to Casino Night in 2011. Was Steve passing judgment that Sportface didn’t know that nobody wears trade show booth shirts to parties other than trade show parties? Was Steve just being a snob about the appropriate attire for Casino Night?
Jerk Move Seven: Ask Ripley about the jean jackets he wore in college every single day and if he did so because Chuck Neal also wore jean jackets every day and he wanted to be as cool as Chuck?
Jerk Move Eight: Ask Guma who all those relatives of his are at Casino Night who we have never seen in any other walk of life – only at Casino Night. And get him to explain how Yellow Submarine, Norwegian Wood and Let Em In – three pretty bad songs — could have been creations of Paul McCarthy, who Mike believes is the most talented and charismatic musician and person who has ever walked the Earth.
Jerk Move Nine: Blatantly, consistently, and shamelessly plug all the products you’re selling to your friends who have no real interest in buying them. Repeatedly, incessantly and callously, tell them about your Sammy Sportface Baby Boomer Blog, audio short takes, new logo, and new ebook available now on Amazon Kindle and titled Goat Season: Brady’s Odyssey to Beat Belichick to 7 Super Bowl Titles.
Jerk Move Ten: Deluge your tailgate friends you’ll be seeing at the tailgate with worthless emails several times in the weeks and days up to the tailgate to make sure they say bad things about you and wonder why you’re such a jerk and hope that you don’t act like such as ass and ruin the entire event for everybody.
To be continued…
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