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Astros Offering Sign-Stealing Seminars at Spring Training Facility

By Sammy Sportface

Posted on February 20, 2020

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DATELINE – West Palm Beach, Florida — For Immediate Release: February 20, 2020 — The Houston Astros, a maverick Major League Baseball franchise, will be holding innovative sign-stealing and cheating rationalization seminars this Spring at the team’s preseason training facility here in West Palm Beach, Florida.

The team will hold seminars for high school and Little League coaches and players across America on how to steal signs in a way that cannot be detected and can ensure your team gains an unfair advantage in games. The team will charge each child and coach $20,000 per seminar.

The first two-week seminar will show coaches and players how to position video equipment in locations near the dugout that cannot be detected with the naked eye yet can discern which pitch the opposing hurler will deliver to the plate next.

“When we swiped the World Series championship in 2017  using this video strategy, we were able to hide the cameras in such a way that no one could tell they were there,” said Astros owner James Crane. “In our seminars, we will show these players and coaches that you really can get away with this tactic if you are clever enough with how you position the cameras and where. We prefer the camouflage technique.”

Second seminar focuses on tools for hitting trash cans

The second two-week seminar will focus on how to coordinate the timing between what the video camera detects with how low long and how many times to hit the cans, and with what tool, to tip off the hitter on which pitch is coming next.

“We will be demonstrating how to bang on the cans using regular wooden bats, long-necked fungos, and even buckets of Double Bubble Chewing Gum,” Craned added. “Each of these tools makes a slightly different sound so it’s important that we teach how these sounds differ along with how many times to bang on the cans.

“This cheating scheme has to be a highly coordinated process with everyone involved working in unison like a well-trained symphony orchestra. High school and Little League baseball organizations need to be willing to put in the time and effort to cheat effectively. It takes discipline.”

Seminar on why cheating is justifiable

The Astros will then hold a two-week seminar on why cheating is justifiable and should be done whenever you can get away with it.

“This is about winning championships and making lots of extra money,” added Crane. “Winning cures all ills and justifies all cheating. The Astros won the World Series by cheating and we haven’t even had to suspend any players or give back our trophy. The championship glory is ours forever and, in the end, that’s all that counts.”