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In a blatantly opportunistic move to reverse its reeling economic conditions and plummeting ratings, ESPN unveiled this morning a series of sweeping strategic changes — all aimed at capitalizing on the fame, fortune, and frivolity of Coach Prime and his 2 and 0 and irresistible Colorado football team.
For the rest of this season and the subsequent 10, the sports media company will hold every one of its Saturday College GameDay broadcasts from wherever Colorado’s squad happens to be playing that weekend. The show will be renamed College Prime Time and all of the team’s games will now be broadcast worldwide in Prime Time.
The network will also launch two new channels: ESPN Prime and ESPN Prime Classic. ESPN Prime will be 24/7 coverage of all things Coach Prime and his team, from the moment he wakes up to where he eats breakfast to his pre-game speeches to his games to his post-game speeches to the bigwig Hollywood-esque parties he hosts after every game at his Colorado mansion nestled atop the Rockies.
ESPN Classic will show 24/7 highlights of Coach Prime’s offensive, defensive, punt returning, line drive hitting, and base stealing marvels while at Florida State, the Atlanta Falcons, Atlanta Braves, Dallas Cowboys, and the San Francisco 49ers. Primary operations for the revamped College Prime Show and two new channels will be headquartered in ESPN’s new “Bristol West” facility adjacent to Colorado’s football field.
New Transfer Portal Wing
In related news, at the Boulder, Colorado airport construction will start tomorrow morning of a new Transport Portal Wing customized and for exclusive use by Coach Prime’s highly active transfer portal operation completely aimed at attracting the most elite college football players to the once anemic and forgettable – but suddenly nationally powerful and center stage of the college football program – Coach Prime program. Transport Portal Airlines will be the sole carrier arriving and departing from this unique airline industry phenomenon.
Groundbreaking ceremonies at the airport with Coach Prime, airline officials, and state lawmakers will occur where, shovels in hand, all will celebrate the project’s commencement.
In his remarks to cap off the celebration, Coach Prime will instruct the hundreds of thousands of Colorado residents in attendance if they believe in the football program.
“We believe,” they will chant.
Donations to be placed in a hat
He will have a hat passed around soliciting handsome financial donations to pay his cavalcade of incoming superstar players hundreds of millions of dollars, and he’ll also share the new website for raising football money called payingforprimetime.com.
Coach Prime will also touch on a few other aspects of the newfangled football program:
- gold chains instead of regular chains for first-down markers
- gold pylons in all four back corners of the endzone
- half-time shows featuring nationally renowned inspirational preachers and
- a GoFundMe account to raise money that will be used to ensure his son, the quarterback, wins the Heisman Trophy.
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