Infuriated Working At Home, Stephen A. Annihilates Antonio Brown


“What the hell is this Zoom thing?” yells Stephen A. infuriated in his home office where he has been forced to work because of the pandemic. “I ought to Zoom everybody right out of my palatial home office and send them into some spectacularized stratosphere of stupidity.”

Stephen A. can’t get Zoom to work. He can’t figure out how to Skype. He doesn’t know what Slack is nor Instachat. Most concerning, he can’t get on his daily sports talk show, “First Take.”

“Damnit, I need to get on the air and scream at everybody. These damn zoomifications and working from home harassment and habitualities are making me madder than I’ve ever been. I fired Kellerman yesterday and that felt pretty damn good. Kellerman was a colossal kid compared with the supernaturally Stephen A. Little blonde boy should go back to his babyhood boxing. I

“I showed the damn ESPN slime bag sadly suits who’s in charge of that network. Them boys need Stephen A for survival especially now that there are no sports anywhere in the world anywhere whatsoever. Don’t matter. Stephen A. still gets the ratings. But now this work-at-home situation for cryin’ out loud. Computer confusion confuses me and I’m Stephen A. Nothing never confuses me.

“Five the damn computers someone super swiftly so I can get on ‘First Take’ and yell about Antonio Brown. I am so incredibly angry today. I’ll tell you totally and completely right now. I am not messing around with anybody and I am not talking with nobody. Not today. Not today.”

Ryan Fitzpatrick knocks on the door. He’s the smartest NFL player of all time. He graduated from Harvard, has an IQ of 298, and has played quarterback for 17 different teams in 11 seasons because he learns offenses faster than any quarterback ever has.

“What the hell are you doing here?” yells Stephen A. 

“Heard you’re having some computer problems and need to get on ‘First Take’ to yell at and about people like you always do. I can do a Rubik cube in three minutes. Check out my YouTube video. I’m a certified genius. Maybe I can help.”

“Get the hell outta here. I don’t need any geniuses. I’m smarter than everybody and everybody else enormously. Don’t need some scrub quarterback getting in my business. I simply can’t have that. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.”

“But I’m really smart.”

“Not nearly as scintillatingly smart at the spectacular Stephen A. Get outta here, Fitz. Go do your ridiculously ridiculous Rubik cube.”

After he slams the door on Fitz, his phone rings. It’s Antonio Brown.

“What’s this with you saying the Ravens shouldn’t take me as wide receiver? You’re a scrub, Stephen A. I’m the greatest wide receiver in the NFL.”

“Let me tell you something right here and now at this moment momentously,” said Stephen A. “You need to totally and fully stop flying air balloons all over the country continuously. That’s the bottom line. You look like a crazy brother doing that stuff. I recognize you flew that balloon into the Raiders camp, but that, my brother, didn’t make any sense whatsoever. I’m not buying into your act, this whole thing with you and Tom Brady and fantastically flying into the Patriots Stadium before the games this Fall. You, my brother, need to straighten up your act accordingly. That’s the bottom line, plain and simple.”

“You’re just jealous of Sportface,” said AB. “He scooped you on the air balloon story.”

“How the hell did spectacularly stupid Sportface get that story? Nobody scoops Stephen A. I simply can’t have that. I don’t wanna talk to you or anybody else. I’m fed up with Sportface, plain and simple. He can’t be trusted. That’s the bottom line.”

He takes his computer and throws it out the window.

“I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let a computer get in the way of me screaming at people. Get out of my life. Get out of my house. Get out of Stephen A.’s way.”

To be continued…

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Sammy Sportface
Sammy Sportface
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