The golf enemies for life, Tiger Woods and Phil Michelson, have agreed to play a putt-putt golf match on TV in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina next weekend.
Michelson said he and Tiger will bet each other $45 million per hole.
“I love to gamble and this putt-putt event will give me another chance to scratch that itch during this prolonged coronavirus epidemic,” said Phil. “I’ve been doing online gambling 24/7 throughout the crisis and need to get some fresh air and gamble outside.”
The two players will be wearing scarves covering their mouths and noses to protect them from getting respiratory droplets on each other.
“The last way I want to die is catching the coronavirus from Phil,” said Tiger. “I’ve never hit it off with him. I hate him and he hates me. It’s mutual hatred. I’m only doing this event to prove I’m better at putt-putt than him, take his money which he has lots of, and raise funds to pay alimony to my former Swedish wife.”
The course will have an eclectic set of holes.
Hole One will feature a fire hydrant of the same shape and size as the one Tiger crashed into in his driveway as he was trying to get away from his former wife. Seconds earlier, he had confessed to having had sex with millions of women.
The second through 18 holes will be life-sized cardboard statues of all the European golfers who have smoked Tiger and Phil in Ryder Cup events such as Rory McIlroy, Lee Westwood and on and on.
“You always choke in the Ryder Cup,” said Tiger to Phil. “You throw your matches to make gambling money.”
“You’re the one who gives the team our negative vibe and causes us to blow it every time,” said Phil. “No American players like being your teammate. There’s dissension every time you’re on the Ryder Cup and that’s the reason we get crushed every time.”
In a pre-match interview to build anticipation for the event, Tiger and Phil sat down with their scarves on to speak with Sammy Sportface.
“Why do you guys hate each other?” asked Sportface.
“Phil is jealous of my greatness and winning 14 Major titles,” said Phil. “I hate him because he’s a pretty boy and chokes under pressure. Can’t stand chokers.”
Said Phil: “Tiger’s a fraud and phony and everybody knows it.”
“So what’s your rationale for doing this putt-putt event?” asked Sportface.
“Can’t stop gambling on golf and everything else,” said Phil. “It gives me such a rush of adrenaline to bet millions of dollars playing putt-putt. Win or lose, I get a tremendous tingle up my leg every time I gamble.”
“Can’t wait to fillet Phil,” said Tiger. “Nothing gives me a bigger rush than embarrassing Phil on national TV. Tiger loves to gamble because he needs that rush that he so often has not been able to get because he watches me win golf tournaments that he loses.
“I can relate,” added Tiger. “He’s got addiction issues. Everybody knows I’ve got addiction issues. We’re both addicts. That’s the real reason everybody should tune in for this putt-putt event.”