Sing-Along With Sportface: “If I were a valedictorian”

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One hundred years ago when I was 10 I went to a theatrical play called “Fiddler on the Roof” at the high school where my brothers went at the time. There was a famous song and scene in that play released in 1964 in which the main character, a downtrodden man named Tevye Sportface, got loose. One day while doing manual labor he stops to fantasize about what it would be like to be rich. It’s all playful and yet poignant. He sings and dances across the stage belting out the song “If I Were a Rich Man.”

This got me thinking about the song I would sing tonight to all of you if were here with me. It’s thematically consistent with “If I Were a Rich Man” but with a twist. The song would be about me yearning to be a valedictorian my whole life. Becoming rich has never been my main obsession, being smart has. I wanted to be the valedictorian of my eighth-grade, high school, college, or graduate school class. Fell short every time. A lifetime of languishing; learning not enough.

I would give back all the athletic MVP awards I won over Rudy (~16), my star hoops performance in the McDonald’s Capital Classic, my stellar grades in graduate school and A in Geography as an undergraduate, and even my spectacularly successful Sammy Sportface blog in exchange for one valedictorian award that would have had everyone looking at me thinking “that boy be bright.”

Growing old I realize this is never going to happen unless Bingo Night and the Rotary Club fork out valedictorian awards. I can only wonder and imagine what it would be like to finish as the top student in my class, give a super inspirational and curiously eccentric graduate speech, and strut off stage having done the only thing that I haven’t been able to achieve in my astoundingly accomplished life, going to Tokyo and Nepal and riding a buffalo backward notwithstanding.

Which brings us to this moment: Imagine I am the guy in this song but singing the following words, which are similar to the real lyrics but customized to address my valedictorian longings that have lasted since the nanosecond I was conceived. Close your eyes. Now open them. Read and listen to the tune, which is one of the catchiest of all songs ever recorded. Sprinkle in my new lyrics and you’ve got the greatest song ever made.

“If I Were a Valedictorian”

Set up Lines (Sportface)

Dear God, you made many, many non-valedictorians.
I realize, of course, that it’s no shame to not be a valedictorian.
But it’s not impressive either.
So, why couldn’t I have been number one in my class, the top student, the biggest brainiac on Broadway, Sammy Smartypants Sportface?

Sportface’s Song

If I were a valedictorian,
All day long I’d blog about my brain.
If I were a valedictorian,
I wouldn’t have to blog hard.
If I were a smart,

It would be so cool.

Sportface would rule.

I’d build a big tall trophy case crammed with photos of me being the valedictorian
Right in the middle of Sportface’s blogging office.
There would be one long trophy case with my Capital Classic Trophy
And one even longer with the awards I won instead of Rudy,
And one more leading to Sammy Sportface’s blog to increase my followers.

Refrain

If I were a valedictorian,

I wouldn’t have to sports blog.

I wouldn’t have to chase eyeballs.

I wouldn’t have to make up stuff.

I wouldn’t have to write about Rudy.

I wouldn’t have to accept second place.

I wouldn’t have to do anything at someone else’s pace.

I would have won the intellectual race.

On the Wheaties box would be my face.

The most important men in the Baby Boomer Brotherhood would fawn on me.

Ask me to impart my sports wisdom and life advice.

Inspire them to reach higher.

And it wouldn’t make one bit of difference what I said they would think I was right.

When you’re a valedictorian they think you’re bright.

I would just watch Joker all day long.

And sing this song.

If I were a valedictorian,

I wouldn’t have to sports blog.

About Post Author

Sammy Sportface

Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here: Sammy Sportface Has a Vision -- Check It Out Sammy Sportface -- The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog -- Facebook Page

[email protected]

http://ngscsports.com

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Author Profile

Sammy Sportface

Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:

Sammy Sportface Has a Vision -- Check It Out

Sammy Sportface -- The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog -- Facebook Page