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Here are the exchanges Sammy Sportface feels are some of the creepiest and cruelest this past year:
Belichick to Brady
“You know, Tom, I like to cut guys before their skills diminish too much. Your skills diminished this season just like Bernie Kosar’s did with the Browns when I coached him. You’ve been around long enough to see me cut hundreds of guys. I cut guys who have been loyal to me. I cut guys who played their hearts out for me. I cut guys who were on multiple Super Bowl winning teams. I cut guys sometimes just because I get a kick out of it. I think I’m the best cutter of players in the history of the game of football.”
Belichick on Social Distancing
“I’ve been perfecting the art of social distancing my whole life. The key is to never be too close to anyone physically – or emotionally for that matter. You stay far apart from people at all times. You don’t give off any warm vibes. When you cut guys, you need to make sure you’re behind your desk and the player is at least 20 feet away so you can rudely shout at him ‘hey, dude, you’re cut, get out of my office.’ Never get close. Never touch. Never be nice. Be anti-social. Don’t talk to people at parties.
“If you can avoid it, don’t go to parties,” he adds. “Don’t go to large gatherings. Don’t go to small gatherings. Don’t go anywhere where there are people unless you absolutely have to.”
Roger Goodell on Ricky Williams
“He’s the only guy I know in the history of the NFL who was in the middle of a good career and then publicly announced he wanted to quit so he could smoke more weed. I mean, a lot of guys have done that. But what made Ricky special is he announced that. He wanted everybody to know he wanted to go smoke weed rather than play football. For that, Ricky has always been in my mind a standup guy.”
Ricky Williams on Sammy Sportface and Weed
“I read all about it on the Sammy Sportface Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog. He’s a sports blogger and medical expert – astounding skill set. They say there is no vaccine. But they’re wrong. The vaccine is pot. If you smoke enough pot, you won’t care if you have the virus. In fact, you won’t know where you are nor what the hell is going on. Weed will solve this global crisis.”
Belichick on Weed
“Give me that joint. I need to get high to deal with this situation. I mean, how absurd can this get? We just picked up Ricky Williams on a random highway in Idaho. He’s famous for being the biggest weed-lover in the history of professional sports. We’re driving to get a quarterback I don’t even want. We work for a league that is not holding its meeting this year. The world is in lockdown. And I’m going to get high with my boss and his boss riding through Nowhere America.”
Ricky Williams Telling Belichick Not to Overthink
“You’re overthinking this, Bill. Just take a hit and everything will be fine. You won’t care about social distancing after a few minutes. You won’t care about germs, washing your hands, Tom Brady, or anything else you have ever cared about. You need to not care, Bill. The pot will make you not care.”
Bledsoe on Brady At Walla Walla Wine Festival
“Oh, Jesus, it’s all about Brady again. Brady, Brady, Brady. I moved to nowhere Washington to get away from ever hearing his name again. And now I have to hear about you guys sucking up to get him back. Sportface also broke the story that Brady is going to the XFL and has recruited Julian Edelman and Antonio Brown to play with him. But none of this matters because the coronavirus ended sports forever. There will be no more XFL, NFL, or football.”
Bledsoe on Drinking Wine During a Pandemic
“This coronavirus is ruining civilization. And we humans should never touch each other or be near each other ever again. Interpersonal relationships should never be tolerated anymore. But we can drink. And that will save us.”
Goodell on Antonio Brown
“Cool, so AB’s in charge. He’s demonstrated responsible behavior in the past so we can trust him. I mean, really. We’re trusting this guy? He was such a malcontent and distraction he talked himself off the Pittsburgh Steelers. Then he went to the Raiders, showed up at camp in an air balloon the same color as this one with frozen feet, and missed several weeks of practice.
“Then on the first day of practice he said the helmet didn’t fit him and refused to play,” he added. “The Raiders cut him when he was under contract for $29 million. So the Patriots picked him up a day later for $9 million.”
A Boston Priest on Brady Leaving the Patriots
“Scripture didn’t predict the world would end this way. Some predicted lightning bolts, others balls of fire, still others an explosion sort of like the big bang that started the world, still others a tidal wave that would swallow us up. Turns out the end of our world is a guy saying he wants to leave us to play for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I pray for the souls of all those on Boston who must now live the rest of their lives without someone they can believe in. It’s a wretched way to live in a world with no God.”
Belichick on Former Patriots Quarterbacks
“Now that that twerp Brady is gone, I’m going to show the world I can win a Super Bowl with any Joe Schmo at quarterback. I brought you older guys here because I wanted to see if you looked like you could still play quarterback in the NFL. Looks like Butch, Tom, Babe, Jim, Grogan, and Cavanaugh are way too ancient. Geez – you guys look like corpses.”
“That leaves you, Bledsoe. I’ll give you what you’ve always wanted that I’ve kept from you for two decades, the starting quarterback job with the New England Patriots. This would be the ultimate bookend storyline to a football career. Play for us for eight seasons and don’t win anything, get traded as we go on a pile of Super Bowl runs, and then return 20 years later as a wine expert.”
Belichick to Sportface
“Knock it off, Sportface. You’re always making up stuff about my team and this has been going on since the pandemic started. I’ve had enough of you reporting on my private life and dope-smoking with Ricky Williams. A man needs his privacy once in a while. I’m on my boat getting away from nuisances like you.”
Belichick on Psychologically Tormenting Brady
“All that is true I admit it, Tom. I did abuse you and purposely not compliment you very often so you wouldn’t start to feel you were playing all that great. I manipulated you psychologically. I made sure you doubted to yourself whether you really were the main reason we won six titles. I couldn’t have you believing you were the main reason because that wouldn’t have worked for me. My ego needed to think I was the reason for the titles and that’s just the truth. I mistreated you for my own psychological benefits.”
Robert Kraft on Weed
“Ricky’s right about cannabis. You should have been there the day we picked him up on the side of the road in Idaho and he got in the car and lit up a bone for Belichick, Goodell, and me. The coolest part was right after that we drove for 460 miles without saying a word to each other lost in our own thoughts and fantasies.”
DeChamBoz on the FOIL Method (first, outside, inside last sequence when multiplying algebraic equations)
“I’m not sure if the FOIL method helps me make more putts. But it’s intellectually fascinating to use the method before putting to see if I can squeeze out any advantage possible. This gets the other players wondering if the FOIL methods help them play golf better. It’s good to distract them with such bewildering thoughts so they can’t fully concentrate on their shots.”
DeChamBoz to Koepka
“You’ve lost your edge, Baby Bottle Brooks. You used to be a good golfer, but you’ve gotten distracted by your girlfriend and your boredom with the game. You no longer have the fire in you to be great. I’m now taking center stage in the golfing world. I’m the hardest working, most insane, and hottest golfer on tour since the sports re-opened a few months ago.”
Koepka to DeChamBoz
“You’re on steroids. You’ve gained forty pounds since the pandemic hit. You don’t look like a golfer anymore. You look like a college football player. We should start calling you ‘The Boz,’ the steroid using Oklahoma football player, Brian Bosworth. Go get a mullet haircut like he did, freak everybody out even more than you already have, and become a social pariah. You already alienate everybody around you like he did. Nobody in golf likes you. You’re golf’s goon.”
Koepka to DeChamBoz on Golf Being Boring
“Golf is dull enough as it is. Stop taking ten practice swings before each shot, studying your notebook, and acting like this game is the intellectual equivalent of a double-dose graduate school course in mathematics in physics. You’ve ruined this lame sport. Just hit the damn ball and get on with your round so we can all get off the golf course and go do things we enjoy a lot more like hanging out with our supermodel girlfriends.”
Koepka Comparing DeChamBoz to the Ryder Cup
“Ah, poor Bryson Boy, your jaw is swelling up. Must be those steroids you’re taking that make you puff up. One day your heart will explode into a million pieces. Then the pro golf tour will be rid of its most disliked player. A day of celebration that will be, like every two years when Europe beats the US in the Ryder Cup and then sprays champagne all over us.”
DeChamBoz On Golf
“I only have a few things to say. It all begins with Katy Koepka. He embarrassed me by throwing me off his yacht. But I think I’ve embarrassed him now by proving that I’m a much better golfer than him and that golf is not boring as he says it is. He thinks it’s boring because he doesn’t have the mental toughness to study the nuances of the game the way I do. He simply doesn’t have as much discipline as I do. He’s gotten soft. There is nothing about this win that makes me as fulfilled as knowing that Katy Koepka has been proven wrong about golf. Golf is not boring. It’s endlessly fascinating. Golf is like the Mona Lisa painting. You can look at it and never stop thinking new thoughts about it.”
Koepka on DeChamBoz Missing the Cut
“You and your big bomber driver almost drove you right out of the tournament,” said Koepka, who is 5 under after two rounds and four shots off the lead. “How many drives did you hit into the woods in the first two rounds—20? 30? You spent more time in the woods than the sour-mooded essayist Henry David Thoreau. You barely made the cut. So much for your theory that smashing a golf ball farther than everybody else will steal you Major golf championships.”
Adam Silver on the NBA’s Bubble in Orlando
“In these challenging times, some people are going to win and others will lose. That’s how these playoffs will unfold. We have to keep the integrity of our sport intact otherwise we’ll lose our credibility. Fans will abandon us to watch NASCAR and corn hole tournaments.”
Adam Silver on Luca’s Mom
“This is a slam dunk idea,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “There’s no doubt in my mind all NBA players will now put aside whatever concerns they had about the playoff set-up to go see Luca’s Mom in a bikini swimming around.”
Luca Doncic on Luca’s Mom
“All they will care about is checking out my Mom. So here’s my deal. I won’t sue you for besmirching my family name if you ensure all 264 NBA players from 22 playoff teams get to go to Disney World for three weeks, all expenses paid, but not have to play any games. And I get to bring my top 10 girlfriends all paid for by the NBA.”
Goodell on Luca’s Mom
“Stupid question, Adam. Of course, she’s relevant. She’s more relevant than ever just like Adam and Eve remain germane in our daily lives some one billion years after they walked around nude. They were crude, sinners like the rest of us. They fell victims to basic human desires. That story keeps repeating itself. Luca’s Mom is like Eve. If you’re not going to take Luca’s Mom to Disney World, then I would like to. I’ll play the role of Adam.”
Ralph Jerry Garcia on Sammy Sportface
“Sportface is on his own. I’m just using him. Sure ‘Luca’s Mom’ is a lascivious idea and will bring millions of fresh eyeballs to TV sets during the NBA playoffs. But business is business. I like Sportface personally. But I don’t care if he starves to death. Plus his blogs are never true. So how valuable can they be?”
Phil Mickelson on Gambling
“I love to gamble and this putt-putt event will give me another chance to scratch that itch during this prolonged coronavirus epidemic. I’ve been doing online gambling 24/7 throughout the crisis and need to get some fresh air and gamble outside.”
Tiger on Phil
“The last way I want to die is catching the coronavirus from Phil. I’ve never hit it off with him. I hate him and he hates me. It’s mutual hatred. I’m only doing this event to prove I’m better at putt-putt than him, take his money which he has lots of, and raise funds to pay alimony to my former Swedish wife.”
Phil on Tiger’s Role in U.S. Ryder Cup Chokes
“You’re the one who gives the team our negative vibe and causes us to blow it every time. No American players like being your teammate. There’s dissension every time you’re on the Ryder Cup and that’s the reason we get crushed every time.”
Tiger on Sportface’s Book
“I read Sportface’s classic self-help book Hit Upon God and it radically changed the trajectory of my life. I was lost – as the world knows – but as I read Hit Upon God I suddenly felt that I was finding myself again, my inner feelings, my calling in life.
“I was on the brink, my life was in tatters, and then I read Hit Upon God and saw the light, like the tunnel people say they see with the light when they die. I felt I was on my way to Heaven. Ever since then, I’ve been a big believer in the supernatural powers of Sammy Sportface.”
Steve O’Donnell on Brady Joining NASCAR
“Today’s announcement is a checkered flag victory for NASCAR. NASCAR gets to be associated with the sports world’s biggest star as our premier owner. Gotta love Brady owning the #10 car to predict he will win four more Super Bowls, reminiscent of Joe Willie Namath predicting the New York Jets would win Super Bowl III.”
Joe Gibbs on Brady-Belichick NASCAR Feud
“This is the spark and controversy that NASCAR needs. The sport has been longing for incompatible people to take center stage. Fans will love watching Brady and Belch cars go at it on the track and listen to the two of them snipe at each other in the press. This acrimony is just what NASCAR needs to be jolted out of its doldrums.”
Wallie Jimmy, President of NASCAR, on NASCAR’s New Rules
“NASCAR’s entire sport needs to be re-imagined into something more refreshing, counterintuitive, and borderline off-the-wall. What we’ve been doing hasn’t been engaging fans. Our ticket revenues and TV ratings are plummeting. We need to upend conventional thinking and depart from our old and tired ways.”
Wallie Jimmy on NASCAR Only Racing When It Rains
“It has never made sense that the best stock car drivers in the world need to stop driving when it rains. They ought to be able to drive in the rain. It will be fascinating to see how the bald tires handle on the wet tracks. More fans will definitely tune in because it will be more exciting to see the drivers swerve down the track and battle the conditions.”
Wallie Jimmy on All NASCAR Drivers Having Two First Names
“Out of respect for the drivers’ desires for independence and the freedom to do personal branding the way they see fit, NASCAR doesn’t care what names the driver chooses as long the first and last names are both first names. My name used to be Neddy NASCAR. But I now have a first name and last name that are both first names. So I’m trailblazing this trend drinking my own motor oil and believe it’s a way to differentiate NASCAR from all other sports.
“No can do on Denny Dennis. The first and last name have to have been used as first names in all cases since continental drift began. There cannot be any ambiguity and no exceptions. Otherwise, we’ll be going down a slippery slope. Guys will start wanting to call themselves Bobby Stewart and stuff like that. Stewart has been used often as both a first and last name and we can’t have any loopholes that would jettison this marketing stunt.”
Stephen A. Smith on ESPN Raising His Salary
“I’m the king of the network now and they need to pay me what I’m worth. You know it. I know it. Max Kellerman knows. And let me tell you definitively that that dude absolutely does not know much certainly. Without me, ESPN is NGSCSports or some other absurdly terrible organization. I’m the rainmaker of the entire business. Pay me what I’m worth, ESPN suits. Pay me now. Pay me everything you’ve got or you’re guilty of blasphemy. Did you hear me? I said pay me. I’m in no mood for messing around. Don’t test me. I’ll leave the network and build my own supremely superior sports empire with supreme greatness.”
Stephen A. on Work From Home Lockdown
“I showed the damn ESPN slime bag sadly suits who’s in charge of that network. Them boys need Stephen A for survival especially now that there are no sports anywhere in the world anywhere whatsoever. Don’t matter. Stephen A. still gets the ratings. But now this work-at-home situation for cryin’ out loud. Computer confusion confuses me and I’m Stephen A. Nothing never confuses me.
“Fire up the damn computers someone super swiftly so I can get on ‘First Take’ and yell about Antonio Brown. I am so incredibly angry today. I’ll tell you totally and completely right now. I am not messing around with anybody and I am not talking with anybody. Not today. Not today.”
Stephen A. on Antonio Brown Flying Air Balloons
“Let me tell you something right here and now at this moment momentously. You need to totally and fully stop flying air balloons all over the country continuously. That’s the bottom line. You look like a crazy brother doing that stuff. I recognize you flew that balloon into the Raiders camp, but that, my brother, didn’t make any sense whatsoever. I’m not buying into your act this whole thing with you fantastically flying into the Patriots Stadium before the games this Fall. You, my brother, need to straighten up your act accordingly. That’s the bottom line, plain and simple.”
Stephen A. on Being Locked in A Soundproof Room
“I can’t believe this. I really can’t. Why am I in this room where no one can hear me? This is atrocious and despicable. I’m the spectacular and scintillating soul brother, Stephen A. Who do these golf people think they’re messing with, sticking me in this booth where no one can hear me screaming and yelling? Ain’t foolin’ ’round. I’m ticked off, plain and simple. Ain’t talkin’ to nobody, not today and not tomorrow. Not playin’ around.”
John Madden on Turduckens
“A turducken is like the Brett Favre of grilled meats. It’s everything you would ever want all wrapped up into one thing that, boom, is able to do everything you could ever want a grilled piece of meat to do and not do. I would have to say that of all the things I would like to do in this world at the top of my list would be watching Brett Favre eat an entire turducken all by himself and I believe, I believe, I mean I believe he’s the only person who can because, boom, he’s Brett Favre.”
Madden on Barkley’s Shank Drive and Favre’s Recovery Of It
“It went up in the air a few feet, far over to the left and then plop and then poop, right into the pond. What a thing, you see, what a remarkable thing that now, boom, Chuck’s ball is in the pond where all the turducken are swimming around. Turducken are everywhere. They’re like Brett Favre. Go anywhere and I mean, bomb, there’s another turducken.”
“Boom, he got the ball and two turduckens. I mean I mean Brett Favre can do anything he wants to do at any time anywhere. A golf ball goes in a pond and then, boom, Brett Favre goes in and gets it. That tells you something right there. I mean, he could have pulled out 22 turduckens if he wanted to because he’s Brett Favre.”
“I know he didn’t play in the golf round but, I don’t care, Brett Favre can play golf all by himself while eating a whole turducken by himself and still look good in his Wrangler Jeans. He puts those pants on and then, boom, he looks great. He’s the kind of guy, you know what I mean, he’s the kind of guy who can do anything he wants and be anybody he wants to be and still be Brett Favre.”
John Madden on Favre Playing QB for the Broncos
“We’ve got to stop at some fast-food joints on the way and get plates full of turducken. I mean, boom, we’re with Brett Favre and he’s the only kind I can think of who, boom, can eat turduckens at fast food after fast food joint in a Wienermobile and then, boom, he’s off to play quarterback for the Broncos after being retired for eight years.”
Patrick Mahomes on How to Spend His $475 Million
“I need to invest all this money I’m making so I figured I would diversify into a range of opportunities such as aerospace, e-commerce, film documents, states, football stadiums, nationals sports broadcasting facilities, national monuments, and big-time, dangerous, and intractable bodies of water.”
Author Profile
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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