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From his dingy and tight basement bedroom still living in his mother’s house at 50-something years old, Joey Bracketology draws up some bogus bracketology Quad rules and makes his daily list of Last Four Out based on asking ChatGPT to give him the answer which he forwards to ESPN which plays that on its screens to draw eyeballs to the biggest fraudulent scheme in the history of the American scam industry dating back to Shoeless Joe Jackson and Bugsy Malone.
Who is this guy Joey Bracketology? Where does he live? Is he just a deepfake, not even a real person but rather some machine-created powerhouse we’re being manipulated by every year come this time of year when March Madness Brackets are being contemplated?
Turns out, Joey Brackets hides out in the basement of his mother’s house in Laramie, Wyoming where she yells to him downstairs every night that the meatloaf is ready, goes to bed, and Joey trudges upstairs to watch “Leave it to Beaver” re-runs while eating meatloaf without anything on it.
This has been his daily routine for the past 30 years. The only time he left his basement and Wyoming was to attend the Massachusetts Institute of Technology where he got his undergraduate degree in fraud, and a PhD in the converging disciplines of generative artificial intelligence, data analytics, computer science, machine learning, deep learning, neural networks, prompt engineering, probability and statistics, physics, mathematical concepts, bracketology, nanotechnology, and quantum mechanics.
To make his high-paying salary and to stay out of the mainstream of American life, CBS and ESPN suits demand that he keep a low public persona in his Wyoming basement. They only permit him to go to the local grocery store once a week to get a half gallon of milk and a crossword puzzle. The strategic thinking is that he should rarely leave so as to enhance his national mystique as the Godfather of Bracketology who nobody quite understands or knows and can explain how he got to be the most powerful character in college sports who decides which 68 teams make the March Madness tournament which is crucial for making institutions of higher learning extremely wealthy while those who don’t become have nots.
Battling claustrophobia and feeling socially isolated in his basement dungeon, Joey Brackets has asked CBS and ESPN suits to come out of his basement more often but they don’t want everyone to find out what’s going on in his basement which is the greatest snake oil swindle in the history of sports. His predictions on who will make the tournament are directly connected to inside data he gets on the dark web from Vegas bookies paying him and ESPN and players and coaches and refs to make sure certain teams win and get in the tourney, namely blue bloods such as Duke, Carolina, Kentucky, and Kansas, because those teams bring in big bucks for the big networks and all the powerful people in college sports who like getting rich.
It’s all one big Bracketology bamboozlement executed by Joey Brackets and financed by NIL collectivists, shameless boosters, and greedy TV executives and NCAA figureheads seeking to line their pockets so they can retire with big boats and homes near the water in Boca Raton and Miami.
As long as JBrackets stays in his mom’s basement and puts on a clip-on tie for his Last Four In daily show on TV, everybody eats except the Last Four Out which none of the fraudsters care one meatloaf about.
Joey Bracketology is a recluse, a man none of us can relate to or will ever see at Dunkin Donuts or downtown Manhattan. He’s an unsolved mystery and there’s nothing any of us can do about this nor about him controlling March Madness brackets from now until we’re all in our eighties.
What is it with guys named Joey? If you have this name should we be circumspect about your motives, have our heads on a swivel when you’re around? Are guys named Joey less trustworthy than guys named Hank and Snorty? My gut says yes although be wary of Snorty also.
You want more Joey stories?
No?
Joey Chestnut is the greatest devourer of hot dogs since the onset of pigs. Joey likes to start stretching his belly around the start of Joey Bracketology season, which is right now, as training for victory in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest on Coney Island on July Fourth. He watches Joey Bracketology every night on YouTube while eating 20 hot dogs, then the next night 25, then the next 30, and so on. On Selection Sunday he eats 68 wieners in 10 minutes to symbolically honor each of the 68 teams who make the tourney.
Just like Joey Brackets, Joey Chestnut has made millions in a profession almost no one else participates in; these two characters have mastered the art of the blue ocean strategy which is to do something that makes competition irrelevant, swimming out in the blue ocean where there are no sharks (competitors) like there are in the red ocean (bloody waters).
Every Fourth of July Joey Chestnut gets celebrated as the world’s food-eating freak which is about as honorable as racketeering from your mother’s basement in Laramie except tougher on your abdomen.
Similarly recluse, Joey Chestnut lies in his mother’s basement in a hideaway in Bismarck, North Dakota where only 21 people live so he gets space and privacy and is not a hounded celebrity like other world champions.
Then there’s Joey from Friends, who lives in a mansion in Hollywood next to Jennifer Aniston and who was the most shallow, dimwitted unaccomplished guy in the history of sitcoms and yet remains endlessly appealing. This Joey was, and still is, enigmatic and hard to comprehend on any level.
Would any of us be surprised if Joey from Friends lived in his mother’s basement in Hollywood, hung out sometimes with Joey Brackets in his basement in Wyoming, and with Joey Chestnut in his basement in Bismarck?
I can see him doing that though not sure Joey Chestnut and Joey Bracketology would be into it. What’s your take?
Joey from Friends would manipulate Chestnut to get a cut of Chestnut’s endorsement deals and insider trading tips from Joey Brackets and his connections to Vegas bookies.
The three of them – all three Joeys – would hang out together and none of it would make any sense to them or any of you.
But when March Madness rolls out you’ll fill out Joey Bracketology’s brackets and bet some big bank on your teams and he would have scammed you and everyone else in America out of their hard-earned money and wouldn’t care because he’s just a guy living in his basement and doesn’t have any empathy for anyone because he’s a dispassionate deepfake.
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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