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Because the game’s labor on for 12 hours, are boring, and the season has 162 games – 162 more than necessary – Major League Baseball knows it needs to change rules to attract more fans. Dullness and monotony are the sport’s two main attributes.
The league has concocted a new rule that in extra innings a base-runner will be put on second base. This will make it easier to score sooner so games end sooner and people can leave and stop staring at inactivity.
This is a solid idea. Anything to reduce baseball being played. Building on this, the MLB should make several other rule changes and codify them into law. Here’s a rundown:
Less Crotch Grabbing During At Bats
Baseball players like to grab their man regions while in public in front of national TV audiences and tens of thousands of fans. Supposedly they’re making adjustments to their packages, just like they adjust to the kinds of pitches they’re being thrown. But this grabbing has become excessive. It could very well be they just like feeling themselves, which isn’t socially couth.
You can’t get on a Zoom call for work, for instance, and grab your man region. Well, you could but would be fired. So it’s inequitable for baseball players to be allowed to do this while the rest of us, aside from Raphael Nadal, can’t.
New rule: Players are only allowed one crotch grab per at bat that can’t last more than 20 seconds. These big leaguers don’t have to be subtle about the grabbing, but they can’t do it as many times as they feel like it either. It’s overly self-indulgent and doesn’t teach our youth how to behave in public.
Suicide Squeeze Leading to More Collisions
The greatest play in baseball is the suicide squeeze. A baserunner on third takes off as the pitcher winds up. The hitter has to bunt the ball or the runner gets easily tagged by the catcher. Often this play causes mayhem and confusion. The batter sometimes throws his bat at the ball wherever it’s pitched, making us wonder where it might land and who it might hit. Sometimes at the plate, we witness football-like collisions but without any pads.
New rule: In extra innings, both teams have to start with a runner on third and execute a suicide squeeze during the first at-bat. Fans will be drawn in by the drama, eagerly anticipating a vicious collision like the Romans used to see when the gladiators fought in ancient coliseums, which now lay in ruins.
Streakers From 7th Inning On
From time to time over the years there have been streakers from the stands running around big league fields during games. It’s always more entertaining than the actual games. We witness nudity and a police officer tackling the social deviants/heroes. Then we have moral arguments about whether the streaker was right or wrong that never get resolved.
New rule: Starting in the seventh inning when fans reach boredom zeniths, a streaker needs to be allowed on the field in the middle of the game. In each half inning, the streakers can free-lance: run around the bases the normal way, the opposite way, and backward; gyrate in center field; taunt the pitcher, bend, wiggle hips. Everything is allowed except X-rated stunts unless the game is being played after 11 pm.
Food Throwing Allowed But in Disciplined Sequence
On various occasions in the 100+ years of baseball, fans have heaved things on the field such as beer cups. If the police catch the throwers, they get tossed out of the stadium. It becomes a public spectacle.
New rule: To spice up these dull games, fans should be allowed to throw food on the field in every inning. But there needs to be a measured and disciplined protocol to keep the peace. In the first inning, only hot dogs can be hurled; second inning pretzels; third Nachos with cheese and jalapenos; fourth snow cones; fifth cotton candy; sixth Cracker Jacks; seventh Dippin’ Dots; eighth all flavors of beer and hard liquor.
By the ninth inning, the fields will become virtually unplayable. It won’t be possible for infielders to get a clean bounce on ground balls. Hitters won’t be able to hold their bats because the beer will make the grip slippery. This is all goodness. The game will have to be declared over, putting everyone out of their collective miseries.
Different Balls and Bats for Each Extra Inning
Baseball’s traditions are believed to be inviolate by the game’s purists. No changing anything. Don’t move the pitcher’s mound further from the plate. Don’t change the distances between bases.
New Rule: A shake-up is needed. Starting in the 10th inning, both teams need to use a super ball and a fungo bat. In the 11th they switch to a Fat Albert wiffle ball bat and softball-size wiffle ball. For the 12th inning, they use a golf ball and golf drivers, and three-woods.
All this will make it harder to hit and pitch, extending the games even longer. But at least they won’t be playing baseball anymore.
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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