Giant gusts of hot air have been blowing around the sand dunes of Bethany Beach these past few days about all the girlfriends Wolfford had in high school.
I was a witness 100 years ago to many of these mostly superficial relationships and can attest Wolfford had it all going on back then although now not so much now.
Reclining in his beach chair, he regaled us with stories of this girl and that girl, she loved him first, he loved her first, he didn’t really like her but went out with her anyway because, well, he had needs.
There has been so much data and imagery to unpack about his girlfriends this week, and so much to ponder and envision and fantasize and get frustrated about, that it’s high time we crystallize exactly who these girls were and how they rank on Wolfford’s totem pole.
Number 6: Technically, we can’t call Chris Crissafulli a girlfriend because he wasn’t out on of a date with her the night she became his 26-minute tongue-tying girlfriend. As the fable goes, Wolfford was being escorted by another one of his girlfriends to some swanky private school prom but for some reason, the two had a falling out or became socially paralyzed on the dance floor or just decided to look to other pastures.
Showing his resourcefulness, Wolfford went with Plan B, sneaking out to the car where the driver for the evening, Chris, was waiting to suck face with someone. Wolfford got in the car, stared her down with those Irish blue eyes and dirty mustache, and Chris couldn’t resist. They kissed in the car and kissed some more, and Wolfford never thought again about the feelings of his date or where she was. He was happy.
Number 5: Succumbing to his fascination with all people he’s ever met from Little Flower School, Wolfford went after a classmate of his idols, Rudy and Swordfish. Cathy Tibbits was her name and Wolfford took her to some random prom or whatnot.
“It had to be the most exciting night of my life because Cathy went to Little Flower,” he said. “Ever since Swordfish and Rudy dominated me in basketball I’ve been in awe of them and anyone who went to that greatest of grade schools. Being with Cathy, a Little Flower girl, for just those few hours that night remains the greatest thrill of my life besides my first taste of Budweiser and being on the same basketball court as Swordfish.”
Number 4: There were plenty of girls Wolfford dated who didn’t grab the attention of Swordfish because there were so many and he had his own hang-ups and aims. But Wolfford snatched all of Swordfish’s attention when he stole away the honey-eyed flame of Lal Hennigan, the overhyped star of the tony, revered, and elitist Georgetown Preparatory School in Rockville, Maryland.
At the precarious age of 16, Henny was in a heated romance with Sue McDonough when Wolfford parachuted in and swept her away with his charm and large abdomen.
“Have to say, stealing Henny’s chick was a big coup for Wolfford and I’ve always admired him for that stunt,” said Swordfish.
Number 3: Wolfford knew he was out of his league when he got fixed up for a date with the ultra-gorgeous Barbara Racine, no relation to Karl Racine.
“I was so psyched to be going to a dance with her that I almost decided to lose some weight but instead just didn’t and chugged a dozen Budweisers to celebrate,” he said. “I thought I was quite a Casanova in high school but when I got that date with Barbara it sealed my status as one of the hottest, most prolific kissers in the long and steamy history of high school relationships.”
Number 2: Unlike the incident described in number 6 in which Wolfford made out with the prom driver, there was another period in his prodigious high school dating career when he actually dated Chris Chrisafulli.
“That was OK,” he said, “but it was much more exhilarating when I made out with her for no reason on the spur of the moment when we weren’t dating and my date was still in the prom wondering where I was.”
Number 1: If you’re in the Baby Boomer Brotherhood, you’ve heard of Goldie Hawn. And if you haven’t, you’re no longer a member as of now.
The star in the movie “Shampoo” with Warren Beatty, Goldie’s eyes were the blue-ist, her hair the blondest, her smile the brightest of any woman any of us had ever seen. Imagine a drop the microphone killer babe.
Ci Ci Allen looked like a clone of Goldie Hawn in high school. You saw her, you stopped, you stared. She looked at you and you thought about things.
All of us wanted to date her, but it was Wolfford who won her over. She had a thing for the blubber-bellied Casanova and they made out wherever we went in front of whoever was around them including Rudy and Swordfish.
No matter what, no matter where Wolfford didn’t care. He would smooch with Ci Ci all night, in the car, outside the car, everywhere. And he committed this amorous act in front of anyone including adults, kids, teachers, and police officers.
He’s accused Swordfish of being jealous of his relationship with her and he is correct. But everyone was. Wolfford didn’t deserve to be smooching Ci Ci. We watched and wondered what Ci Ci saw in him. Why not us, we thought? Why not Swordfish?
Swordfish saw himself as a great catch, all athletically toned, 10 kinds of handsome, and utterly honorable.
“Ci Ci fished in the wrong pond,” said Swordfish. “Had I been her, I would have taken the plunge with Swordfish.”