After winning his first US Open ever after gaining 40 pounds and missing just about every fairway for 72 straight holes, Bryson DeBozworth walked around doing fist bumps with the golf mask sniffers.
All his 27 years of life he had waited for this moment, holding the trophy as the US Open title winner. He had envisioned feeling so satisfied and fulfilled.
Then he got a text from his nemesis, Brooks Koepka, who had thrown him into the Jamaican Sea recently.
“It’s boring winning the US Open isn’t it?”
The Boz thought about it. There he was, standing by himself, six feet away from the 16 people allowed to fawn around him near the 18th green.
He thought about the journey he had traveled to get to this moment. It was only recently that he raided Koepka’s yacht party but ignominiously got humiliated when the world’s former number one golfer threw him into to Caribbean deep waters.
Since splashing into those waters, he had been using his protein-shake-inflamed biceps to swim to the U.S. Open. It was a long swim that went from the Jamaican Sea, which flowed into the Atlantic Ocean. He swam along Miami Beach up to Daytona Beach. There he hung out with some bikers who let him hang out with them because he had big biceps.
He then went back in the ocean and swam up the coast to Myrtle Beach, up to Wilmington, NC. There he played a round of golf with Michael Jordan, who is from there.
Jordan bet Debozworth $100 million he would beat win. DeBoz beat MJ and took the cash to pay to buy a new private jet and flew up on that to the Wing Foot Golf Course.
“I only have a few things to say,” he said during the post-victory press conference. “It all begins with Katy Koepka. He embarrassed me by throwing me off his yacht. But I think I’ve embarrassed him now by proving that I’m a much better golfer than him and that golf is not boring as he says it is. He thinks it’s boring because he doesn’t have the mental toughness to study the nuances of the game the way I do. He simply doesn’t have as much discipline as I do. He’s gotten soft. There is nothing about this win that makes more me as fulfilled as knowing that Katy Koepka has been proven wrong about golf. Golf is not boring. It’s endlessly fascinating. Golf is like the Mona Lisa painting. You can look at it and never stop thinking new thoughts about it.”
“Hey Boz,” interrupted the PGA President. “We asked you to say a few words not to talk about old paintings. We need you to wrap this up. And tone it down about the Mona Lisa.”
“Hold on, prez, I’ve got a text from Koepka.”
It reads: “Your speech is as boring as golf. Wind it down, Boz. No more Mona Lisa.”
“I just have one more thing to say, prez.”
“You’ve got ten more seconds,” said prez.
“I just want to give credit to Sammy Sportface for telling the story about me getting heaved off of Koepka’s boat. I think had that story not been told, I may not be standing here today.
“Who’s Sportface?” asked PGA prez.
“Sportface made the story of DeBozworth come to life in a way no other sportswriters have. All the others wanted to talk about my body changes and new strategy. But Sportface brought to life my disdain for Koepka and his problems with my overzealous obsessions with golf. I dedicate this US Open to Sammy Sportface.”
Sportface was reached for comment:
“You’ve gotta give it to Boz. He’s a maverick, trailblazer, and revolutionary. I loved that last night he was practicing his drives in the dark to get ready for the final round. He’s dedicated to his craft. He’s made personal sacrificed to be great. He’s taken risks. I dedicate this blog to the big-time win by The Boz.”
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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