All pro golfers, including those who were competing at this weekend’s TPC Boston tournament, have fled the country.
They’ve flown to the Jamaican Sea to party on Brooks Koepka’s 10,000-foot yacht.
“I wasn’t going to go because I was leading this weekend’s tournament, but when I heard Stevie Nix would be there I had to make the trip,” said Dustin Justin, who was the leader by five strokes at 22 under par after the third round. “I mean, how many times do you get to see Stevie perform live on Koepka’s yacht? It’s a can’t miss event.”
Tommy Fleetwood Mac, himself a pro golfer who was 8 under after three rounds, was instrumental in getting the famous rock band to play for the golfer’s live.
“I told them my name had become Tommy Fleetwood Mac ever since Sammy Sportface heard about me,” said TMac, who is from England. “The band thought it was cool Sportface changed my name to the name of their band. Screw golf. I was 14 shots behind Dustin with one round to play. I would have had to shoot a 51 on Sunday to win the tournament. Better idea to party with these crazy Americans.”
Onto the yacht the golfers stepped, one by one, hundreds of them. All were invited except Bryson DeBozworth. Koepka said The Boz was not allowed because he takes golf too seriously, takes too many practice swings, drinks too many protein shakes, pumps too many weights, takes too much HGH, and is ruining the game of golf.
“DeBozworth ain’t allowed on my yacht,” said Koepka. “Everybody else is. Let’s get this party started.”
On the upper deck, with the backdrop of the Jamaican Sea, Fleetwood Mac started blaring “You Can Go Your Own Way.”
Far off in the sky, you could see a colorful air balloon descending towards the yacht. There were two men on board.
“Hey, that’s Antonio Brown,” said Koepka. “Remember a few months ago when he crashed his air balloon into the Atlantic Ocean for Tom Brady’s beach party celebrating his exodus from the Patriots? AB is up to his old tricks. He’s crashing his balloon into another party for professional athletes celebrating liberation. For Brady, it was liberation from Belichick. For me, it’s liberation from ever having to play golf again.”
Bamb—right there on the dance floor the balloon crashed. Bags of weed scattered all over like after a pinata gets popped open by a baseball bat at a kid’s birthday party.
Everybody scrambled to gather up as much pot as they could.
“Hey, it’s Ricky Williams,” said Koepka. “Remember a few months ago when Belichick, Kraft, and Goodell picked him up on the side of the interstate in Idaho? He got the whole car stoned out of their drawers. This feels like déjà vu.”
Suddenly Koepka’s glee turns to fury. On the dance floor, he saw DeBozworth dancing by himself, flexing his biceps.
“You weren’t invited, Boz,” said Koepka. “Get off my yacht.”
“Lighten up, Katy,” he said. “Let’s smoke weed and have a nice time and forget about our past differences and the fact that we hate each other. Plus, I drank five protein shakes before I got here. Mixing that with dope do some pretty weird things to me.”
Ricky Williams passes them a joint. Both take seven hits apiece.
For 10 minutes they stand on the dance floor staring around at all the other golfers and their girlfriends having the time of their lives. They see Ricky Fowler and his girlfriend. The yacht party turns up dozens of decibels.
Koepka stares out at the Jamaican Sea. He thinks about the beauty of nature, being outdoors, riding on a boat, partying with friends, and not playing golf. A sense of oneness with the people at his party overwhelms him.
But DeBozworth still bugs him. It’s the one thing he can’t get past. As Fleetwood Mac plays “You Can Go Your Own Way,” he bear hugs the Boz, lifts him off the ground, and heaves him into the Jamaican Sea.
To be continued…