Who cares about academics, learning, classes, and the futures of students at America’s colleges and universities? What difference does it make whether any of this education happens this coming Fall?
Only one thing matters. This Fall there better be college football games played all across this great country every Saturday, from noon to midnight, from coast to coast.
Football stands taller and has taken on more importance to healthy living than “pedagogy,” – whatever that is — intellectual curiosity and rigor, a student newspaper, a student body president, critical thinking, and preparing our next generation to solve the ever-growing list of pernicious problems such as the current pandemic.
College football entertains us. Anthropology bores us. College classes test us, make us feel stupid. They’re tedious, tormenting, and tumultuous – a trifecta of terrible times. Have you ever had as much fun in an accounting class as you have watching a college football game? Was anthropology class ever as riveting as the Iron Bowl or Nick Saban swearing on the sidelines?
Of course not. Not even the nerdiest of the revenge of the nerds stars enjoy filling out balance sheets and making debit and credit journal entries as much as they like watching guys in helmets bang into each other, breathing in autumn fresh air, and wolfing down chicken wings and guzzling beer and wine at football tailgates.
Tailgates feel good. They’re pleasures of the flesh, all-day-Saturday sensational sins. College classes confound and conflate.
Heading into this fall, colleges and universities should start thinking in more enlightened ways about how to use their sprawling campuses as habitats for no one else but college football humanity: players, coaches, trainers, and stat boys.
Consider this: The average college football team has about 80 players. And the average college campus has about 80 buildings (give or take 40-to-50).
Give each player an entire building to himself to make his crib. The star players get the biggest and most plush campus buildings such as the president’s administration building, the refurbished student union, or the football training facility. The lesser players get the wretched physics and chemistry labs and campus ministry dives.
The star players will be like royalty on campus, Greek emperors, and Egyptian pharaohs in pads and helmets. The star player living in the student union will hold football watching film sessions. That building should house the campus movie theater. If not, it should by this Fall.
The players will watch videos of upcoming games. To augment their football educations, they will tune into movies about college such as “Animal House.”
All the students at these colleges will not be allowed on campus. They won’t take online classes because they will rebel and say that learning through a computer screen is not worth the $70,000 a year in tuition payments. They will drop out and email resumes into the vaporware workforce throughout the Fall and following Spring.
The campuses will be full-blown football communities and nothing else. All the buildings where the players live will have weight rooms and Peloton equipment. Each building will have 25 flat-screen TVs that will broadcast college football games and feature stories on 25 different channels. Student tuition payments will cover the expenses.
Every Wednesday night the entire football team will get together and watch a quadruple feature: “North Dallas Forty,” “Remember the Titans,” “Heaven Can Wait,” and “All the Right Moves.”
There will be no professors or university presidents. No deans either for that matter. Food will be delivered carry out style from Bojangles, Wendy’s, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. Supermarkets will deliver football-shaped cupcakes every night for dessert.
The library will be packed to the ceiling with nothing but books, periodicals, and news feeds about college football The walls will have portraits of football players such as Red Grange and Jim Thorpe.
There will be football history books, anthologies, profiles, biographies, and feature stories. There will be microfiche machines to look up old articles about college football games dating back to the 1920s and even before that.
On the Internet players will be able to do long-tail keyword searches on football such as “why is football more important than learning” and “has American lost perspective about college football?”
On these campuses, there will be one overriding theme: football — football games, football practices, football films, football workout equipment, football players, football helmets, football playbooks, football economics, football finances, football marketing, football strategy, football operations, football supply chains, football entrepreneurship, football statistics, and football physics.
On Saturdays, the campus will be electrified with the sounds of football movies blaring out of dormitory windows. One of those movie soundtracks will be “The Longest Yard.”
ESPN will set up its broadcasting studio on these campuses on Saturday mornings and do the “College GameDay” show.
College football coaches will be interviewed about the declining importance of education and the growing central role that college football plays in the future prosperity of the United States.
University presidents will be dismissive of academics and intellectual pursuits. Professors will scoff at the notion of institutions of higher learning calling them “tired” and “uninspired.”
They will use the ESPN platform to sound a clarion call for eradicating colleges and universities from the American landscape and reallocating more resources to college football games and more elaborate pre-game tailgates.
College football will be touted as the savior and center of the American lifestyle and consciousness, the panacea for all the planet’s problems.
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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