With Brady Bolting to Bucs, The World Ends in New England
God came. God left. God will never come again.
New England had him. For six Super Bowls.
Now their savior has left them lurching, writhing in agony. Nausea knots up New England.
Hanging on their cavalcade of crosses – from Sturbridge to Harvard to Fenway Park — they wail in unison: “Tom, oh Tom, why have you abandoned us?”
Boston burns. Foxboro frets. All those Super Bowls they will never forget. It’s all they’ll ever get.
But now what do they do? For the rest of time they will never have a quarterback as great as Tom Brady. Blissful lives have been obliterated. Babies were born in Boston who never have known life without Tommy B.
They’re all adrift at sea. Wails reverberate all over Massachusetts. Sobs soak the entire scene. The end of the world has come. Tom Brady is gone.
With their faiths shaken, where can they turn for guidance, a spiritual lighthouse? There will be no more Sunday masses in Foxboro to watch their savior perform his miracles.
“Scripture didn’t predict the world would end this way,” said a Boston priest. “Some predicted lightning bolts, others balls of fire, still others an explosion sort of like the big bang that started the world, still others a tidal wave that would swallow us up. Turns out the end of our world is a guy saying he wants to leave us to play for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I pray for the souls of all those on Boston who must now live the rest of their lives without someone they can believe in. It’s a wretched way to live in a world with no God.”
Fans riot in the downtown streets of Boston.
“Belichick blows,” they chant, “Belichick blows.”
T-shirts with “Belichick Blows” are worn all over town by kids, mothers, fathers, and the entire New England Patriots team.
Boston flags fly at half-mast. Dogs stop licking themselves. The Massachusetts Turnpike has turned into Ghost Way. Families binge-watch horror movies day and night.
“We had Brady for 20 years but now we’ve lost him,” said Julian Edelman, the Patriots star wide receiver. “We thought he would be with us forever. I blame all of this on Belichick. His big fat ego wouldn’t allow him to pay Brady what he deserved. I can’t wait to quit this team and play for TB in TB.”
Kids forlornly walk down the street in their Number 12 jerseys. Night has fallen. Darkness bedevils Boston. The apocalyptic avalanche has arrived.
Death devours them all.
“This is all overblown,” said Larry Bird. “I was the greatest athlete in Boston history. Just ask Sammy Sportface.”
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