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Near the 18th green, Brett Favre and John Madden hung out in the Madden Golf Cruiser gobbling down several turduckens with their bare hands. Sammy Sportface stood by taking notes while eating Fritos.
“Look at Brett Favre eat all these turduckens,” said Madden. “I mean, I mean, he grabs the turduckens with his bare hands, and then, boom, he eats them all down. There’s no one like Brett Favre and there’s no one else like him either because there’s only one Brett Favre and, boom, here he is.”
The ESPN cameramen kept showing Madden and Favre instead of the golf tournament pitting Charles Barkley and Phil Mickelson vs. Peyton Manning and Steph Curry.
“TNT is turrible,” said Barkley. “You cameramen are supposed to be showing my turrible golf swing and miking up Phil making bets on every hole. You’re supposed to be bringing your viewers a golf tournament instead of the turducken tournament.”
The TNT cameraman ignores Chuck’s request. No one cares about golf. They care about two men eating turducken like cavemen in a golf cart. And they want to see who Sportface and the mystery man blogger is.
“Hey Sportface,” says TNT golf anchor Scott Van Pelt. “How did you get a press pass to this event? You’re not a real member of the media. You’re a made-up character created by Ralph Jerry Garcia.”
“I wrote a blog yesterday about Brett Favre retrieving turduckens from a pond near the first tee where Barkley popped his tee shot,” said Sportface. “Since then, Madden and Favre have designated me their private sports blogger.”
“Yeah, Sportface is our guy,” said Madden. “He knows about turduckens and writes about them when all the other TNT reporters write about golf. Turduckens are like Brett Favre, all filled with all sorts of things that, boom, when you put them all together they are like a full-blown Brett Favre.”
Favre tells the cameraman to come over to his side of the cart. He spread open the legs of the turducken and put his head inside it.
“See, it’s my turducken football helmet,” said Favre.
“How bout that,” said Madden. “He takes a turducken, puts it on his head, and then, boom, it’s a football helmet. On his head, a helmet, just like the one he wore for the Green Bay Packers, and then, boom, he’s Brett Favre again. You have to admire everything about Brett Favre including the creativity he has created a turducken football helmet and then, boom, put it on his head.”
Favre then goes onto the golf course 18th green with the turducken helmet on his head. He takes it off and crams it on Barkley’s gigantic head.
The TNT cameraman shoots Favre’s helmet skit.
“This feels turrible,” he said. “Take that turducken off my head.”
Barkley takes it off. He sees there’s some delicious-looking turkey, chicken, and duck meat. So he grabs a hunk and chomps it down.
“Come on, Chuck,” said Mickelson. “It’s your turn to putt.”
“Sportface is right,” said Barkley. “Nobody cares about golf.”
Sportface arrives on the green with a turducken on his head. He lowers his shoulder and pretends he’s a running back. Under his arm, he holds another turducken that he pretends is the football he’s carrying.
He runs across the green and dives into the pond near the hole where there are tons of turduckens swimming around.
Underwater he sees Michael Phelps floating around with the turduckens.
“After I retired I started swimming with turduckens as a hobby,” he told Sportface. “I spent my entire childhood with my head underwater so I felt I needed to go underwater again to be comfortable with myself.”
Brett Favre dives in the water and challenges Phelps to a race across the pond.
“Look at this,” said Madden. “There’s only one guy I would bet on beating Phelps in swimming and that would be, boom, Brett Favre and he’s never been a swimmer but it doesn’t matter because he’s Brett Favre.”
“Hey no one’s watching our golf match,” said Steph Curry. “The TV ratings for this match are going to be turrible.”
“No they aren’t,” said Sportface. “This is what people want to see, Brett Favre race Michael Phelps in a swim across a pond near the 18th tee of a golf course with both sporting turducken football helmets.”
Phelps puts a turducken on his head to make it fair because Favre has one on, too.
“I know Phelps is a great swimmer but I have to tell you that when you really think about it, there’s only Brett Favre. Had he been a swimmer, he would have been the Brett Favre of swimmers.”
To be continued…
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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