Bonus

Sportface Shares Ways to Prepare for Booze Crooze Tooze

By Sammy Sportface

Posted on July 20, 2020

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You need to get ready now for Booze Crooze Tooze on August 1st in the sewage known as Bethany Beach Bay. I have a few recommendations that will get you into the proper physical shape and focused psychological mindset.

First: Get a colonoscopy. Fill your milk carton with barium. Chug it down for 24 hours. Feel gravity pull it through your trachea and esophagus, down through your breastplate, into your large and small intestines. Feel the barium descend through you like a gumball in one of those circular spiraling-down gumball machines.

The next day, go to your doctor’s office, turn on your side, and insist on being shot up with a potent drug. Next thing you know you will be in a room with several strangers lying down in close quarters. Health professionals will ask you to pass gas.

Let it all go.

Cleaning out your colon will prime your insides for whatever you may ingest during Booze Crooze Tooze such as horseshoe crabs, seaweed, raw oysters, and undercooked hamburgers from raunchy tiki bars.

Second: Get a liver transplant. The liver you’re living with now is atrophied and beyond repair. You’ve abused it for decades. It wants out. So let it out. You need a new organ in there to process the orange crushes and Coronas with limes you will be guzzling on August 1st.

Third: Call, text, Instagram, YouTube, and email Frank Ryan. Get him engaged with the idea of helping the fellas make this Booze Crooze Tooze even more emotionally and physically toxic than the first one. We need fresh stories, a guy who can spin a yarn like no one else. 

Frank’s the guy. 

Without him, we’ll be telling the same stories as we have every time we’ve gotten together the past forty-five years. It’s a tired routine. 

Once you lure in Frank, assign him to recruit the rest of the HR State All-Time First Teamers:  John Wack, Billy Silk, and Michael McLaughlin. Zmuda’s not a First-Teamer but he’s already RSVPed yes so we can’t uninvite him.

Fourth: Recruit your favorite Georgetown Prep buddies to join us. Mine are Snake Leasure, Henny Hennigan, Spoog, and Vinny Scanlon. They own bigger boats than us so make sure they tow them to the marina so we can dirty up their property. Then disembark at the end of the brothel to head over Head’s house for barbecue ribs. Ditch the rich boys to clean their boats while we party on without them.