Slithering, Tony Parker, The Snake Should Retire
Some people just don’t like other people.
A few people like Sammy Sportface, for example. Most people don’t – including his boss, Ralph Garcia. It’s just the way things are.
In many cases the reasons for this dislike are elusive. It may be just the way somebody looks or how they talk. It’s often not fair or rational. It’s often petty and more a reflection of the person who dislikes than the one disliked.
For more than a decade I have felt this type of shallow aversion for the way San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker plays basketball. Can’t stand his game. Can’t wait till he retires, hopefully at the end of this season. I beseech you, Tony, please retire. End this unsightly visual imagery.
What’s galling is the sleazy way he slithers to the basket like a snake. Basketball is not a game for snakes. He just slips and slides through guys and goes to the basket for layups. It seems cheap, this slither move. It’s too easy, his twisting to the hoop. Tony doesn’t earn my respect for his method of slithering. Other guys drive to the basket and I don’t have a problem with it. All of them do it just fine except this one guy. When he does it, it bothers me. You would think I would appreciate the skill, his quickness and slick way of maneuvering around guys for layups. It’s an effective tactic and has made him a very good basketball player.
But I don’t like it. It makes me uncomfortable. Seems cheap, as if he’s cheating. It’s not a sound fundamental basketball move; it’s a trick, a gimmick. Driving to the basket should require more effort than Tony needs. He makes this sophisticated and challenging basketball move too easy and slimy. His, is a grease ball move, a short-circuiting of the basketball systems that should be respected.
By doing this move in the appalling way he does, Tony doesn’t respect basketball traditions. It’s supposed to be hard to drive around and between guys to get to the basket. When he does it, it’s as if there are no defenders. There’s just Tony driving in for layup all alone for an easy two. It should have been harder for Tony to drive to the basket than it has been throughout his career. Defenders should have done a better job of preventing him from slithering. Slithering should not be allowed in basketball.
Tony perfected the slither. When I played, nobody slithered. They drove to the basket, but they didn’t slither. Slithering is too slick and tricky. It’s not basketball. It’s grease ball.
My disdain for Tony’s move to the basket made me repelled by his shot. It bugged me just like his drive. He would pull up from 20 feet and I would be annoyed because I was half expecting him to do his maddening move to the basket. When he would shoot instead. I would be in a bad mood already so could not appreciate his shot. His technique bugged me. It was just such a simple, basic, nondescript shot. It went in a lot and that irritating me even more.
Tony got me coming and going. Whether driving or shooting, he did a number on me. No one in basketball has done as much emotional damage to me as me as Tony Parker.
Retire, Tony. Please retire. End this miserable feeling you have crammed into my psyche. Stop slithering to the basket. It’s so awful to watch. It ruins the game of basketball. James Naismith doesn’t approve. It’s a violation of how this game is supposed to be played. It’s poor etiquette.
I have no problems with, you, Tony Parker, other than the way you play basketball.
- Possibly America’s best sports blogger. Sometimes relevant and insightful. Often funny and satirical. Mostly mysterious and unpredictable. Only mildly interested in the truth.