Commencement Address: College Graduating Class of 2017
It’s time to flee. Run away. Don’t apply for any jobs. You will get rejected by most. And if anyone hires you, they will treat you poorly. They won’t like you and you won’t like them and it will all end badly.
You will be the lowest person in the lowest of places: the working world. You will be the youngest, the least experienced, the most naïve, and least savvy. You will be the person that everyone older than you will not care about because they will be worried about themselves and their careers and their money and their fame and their power and their glory.
All of them. Every one of them. The whole lot.
Don’t get a job, I say. Whatever you do, don’t get a job.
Steal a car and drive it away from wherever you are, wherever employers have offices. Get away from the big cities where there is commerce, where money exchanges hands, where people get paid to be mean to each other and refine their selfishness skills.
Drive. Just drive. And keep driving.
The last thing you want to do is get a job. Everything you did in college is more fun and less stressful than everything you will do while working for a living. In college, nobody cared if you went to class or not. When employed, if you don’t go to work your boss will ask why. If you don’t have a good explanation and the truth is you just didn’t want to go to work because you didn’t enjoy it or despise your boss, your boss will warn you not to do it again.
The warning will haunt you day and night. You will wonder what will happen if you don’t go to work after the warning. Will your boss fire you?
The answer is yes.
When you skipped class in college, your professor didn’t do anything to you. Your boss will do lots of bad things to you if you skip work including play mental games and manipulate your emotions.
But it gets worse. Let’s say you go to work. It doesn’t mean your boss will be any nicer to you. Instead of criticizing you for missing work, your boss will trash the work that you do.
Your boss won’t like your work, will question your effort, will wonder if you are the kind of person they want to be the boss of anymore. They will start thinking of getting rid of you to find someone else who is more skilled, more likable, and makes them feel more important.
Your boss will want you to solve problems. They will often be the boss’s problems that they don’t know how to solve. Sometimes they will be what your boss tells you are your problems, such as that you don’t think things through well enough, or you’re not careful about details, or you don’t have the ability to think strategically.
Don’t go to work, Class of 2017. Work is a cesspool, a place where bad people treat people badly, where money is the only reason people do anything.
Work burns your stomach, raises your blood pressure, gives you migraine headaches, and will not be fun or fulfilling.
Your job – and only job – is to figure out a way to not find a job, to avoid working. Go to Key West, Florida and throw a Frisbee on the beach every day. That won’t cost much. Maybe sell Frisbees on the beach to pay for your food and drink.
Live somewhere, anywhere, inside or outside.
Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Run away. Tell your family members who are wondering what you’re doing that they should mind their own business. Don’t answer phone calls from people you think might be wanting to say you need to get a job and grow up. You don’t want to have those phone calls. They will make you feel guilty and like a low-life.
Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty because you are right in your actions to not want to go to work. And every person who tells you you’re wrong is wrong.
Worry about other things such as what type of Slurpee you want to buy. “Let’s see, should I get a cherry or cola or lime?” Strategize you days to make sure you don’t get a job, that anyone you encounter in a given day will not be someone trying to tell you to get a job. Hang out at strip malls where there aren’t likely to be people coming up to you reminding you to get a job. They will be concerned with other things, like how much they hate their jobs.
Do I make myself clear, Class of 2017? Is there any ambiguity in what I saying to you today?
I know there are faculty and administrators sitting behind me at this ceremony who may have appalled looks on their faces because of my message. But they’re faking how they feel. The truth is they agree with me. They don’t like their jobs either. They liked college much more because they didn’t have to grade papers and tests of their students.
They, like me, and like you, prefer having fun to working.
The whole world feels this way. Don’t let anyone tell you they like to work. They’re lying. Work is wrong. Work is a pile of cow poop. Work is bacteria on a piece of bread. Work is slime.
Who likes bacteria?
The answer is no one.
So onward, students. Pursue not working with zeal. This is the path to true happiness.
Congratulations and best of luck in the years ahead.
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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