0
0
You will be thrilled and perplexed by a whole new range of Summer Olympics events coming up in Paris, many you’ve never heard of before but will be mesmerized by. There will be events mixing one sport with another simultaneously, and all sorts of combinations and permutations that will make this summer the most entertaining you have ever experienced watching sports.
We’ve done the research to find out what all this blending is all about and lay it all out for you right here before anyone else breaks the news.
Diving to floor exercise
Over at the diving venue, you’ll see an event never before held at the Olympics. After divers do their triple flips with twists, they’ll pull themselves out of the pool, towel and shower, then walk immediately to the nearby gymnastics venue to do their floor exercise on the mats in their Speedos.
Announcers for diving will throw the coverage over the gymnastics announcers as appropriate. Expect a few hiccups in the transition.
Weightlifting Eastern European female gymnasts
At the weightlifting auditorium, instead of lifting steel above their heads with the clean and jerk, they’ll be picking up and showing they can bench press Eastern European female gymnasts. This will be the first time humans replace barbells in Olympic competition and could be the start of a trend of inserting more people into competitions as props.
Digging catacombs underground
If you know anything more about Paris than the Eiffel Tower, you know there are catacombs underground. During the Olympics, athletes will break ground and dig all the way down to the catacombs to explore what’s there. The contest will be who can dig to the bottom of the catacombs the fastest and, once there, do 1,000 one-handed push-ups.
Climb the Eiffel Tower then paint a rendition of the Mona Lisa at the top
The world’s best climbers will scale the outside of the Eiffel Tower all the way to the top, 984 feet into the Paris skyline. Once they get there they will have to paint a rendition of the famous Mona Lisa painting by Leonardo da Vinci holding the paintbrushes between their teeth. The contestant with the best-combined score of lowest time to the top with the best rendition will take Gold, and the medal ceremony will take place atop the Tower.
Olympic Village libido restraint contest
This won’t be an officially sanctioned event, but the International Olympic Committee has said it will pay 100,000 euros to the athlete who demonstrates the most control of their libido over the course of the Summer Games.
Trampoline on a pogo stick
This is a curious concept head albeit with tantalizing potential for viewers if the idea proves viable. The trampoline contest won’t just be men and women flying 80 feet into the air and flipping around then returning to the netting to catapult themselves up to 85 feet the next go round. Instead, they will be hopping aboard pogo sticks and bouncing up and down on the trampoline.
Theoretically, the pogo sticks will enable the contestants to shoot themselves hundreds of feet into the air, potentially bumping their heads on the ceiling of the stadium, but it’s still unclear how the pogo sticks will not puncture through the trampoline netting rendering the whole event a non-starter. In the coming weeks, we’ll have additional updates on this potential event killer.
Do a pommel horse gymnastics routine on a real horse
You remember the pommel horse gymnastics event, right? A muscular short guy gets on a perpendicular bar and starts spinning himself around clutching two metal bars atop the pommel. Round and round he goes, slicing his legs like scissors beside the horse. It’s a whirlwind of wildness and impossible for anyone to do who isn’t an elite, world-class gymnast.
The event has been fine but not grabbing enough TV eyeballs (most people like watching female gymnastics more than male). So in Paris, the athletes will be doing the pommel horse on a real horse, the winner of this year’s Kentucky Derby named Mystic Dan. If MD gets worn out getting spun around on and scissored, there will be other standby horses to step in if needed to keep the contest moving along.
Rhythmic gymnastics while breakdancing
Breakdancing will be a new sport for this summer’s Games. Aside from the pure breakdancing competition rhythmic gymnastics contestants will weave breakdancing maneuvers into their routines and, in some cases, perform melodic and well choreographic duets with the Gold, Silver, and Bronze Medal winners in the breakdancing competition.
Catch discus while triple-jumping
This event sounds kind of silly – not sure I’d even watch it – but triple jumpers will be required to catch a discus between their second and third jump. I ask first of all this: Why not between the first and second jump? So far the IOC hasn’t returned our calls. To win contestants need to post the longest jump and catch the discus. A drop will shave three feet off their jump.
New triathlon: archery, diving, and 100-meter dash
Shove this event into the random category. There will be a new triathlon. Contestants will need to accurately wield a bow and arrow in a Speedo, dive off the 10-meter platform in a Speedo, and race 100 meters in a Speedo. It’s not clear what sort of athlete would excel at all three of these sports so wagering on who will win would be precarious.
Boxing while fencing
Using boxers slug each other in the face. But this summer they’re also going to be trying to stab each other in the face. How you hold a sword with boxing gloves on will be a key challenge. Plenty of blood and gore is in store.
Golf using a javelin
This might be the stupidest idea of all. Golfers will be using javelins instead of golf clubs to whack golf balls. Javelins are rail thin and don’t really have much of a clubface to hit the balls so this could be an event littered with whiffs and errant shots and everybody complaining about the LIV Tour players who don’t show up because there’s no money at stake anyway.
Modern pentathlon in gladiator gear
No one really knows what the non-modern pentathlon events were so it makes sense they don’t know what the modern pentathlon events are either. Trying to overcome all the confusion, and in a blatant marketing stunt, organizers will mandate the contests to compete in gladiator outfits because it will remind us that this is a modern pentathlon in contrast to the non-modern gladiator get-ups.
Rugby 7s with 77 players on each team
Those of you who know rugby, which are only Rex, Rip, and Mac for our purposes here, know that typical rugby matches pit seven players on each team against each other fighting for their lives without any pads in one of the biggest macho sports ever invented.
But not many people follow rugby except Mac these days so the IOC will be requiring both teams to field 77 players. It will be crowded but can you just picture all the banging into each other we’ll get to see. Early favorites are those guys from New Zealand or wherever no closer than 500 million miles from where most of us live.
Sailing with 3 kegs and cheese board on board
If you want to win Gold in the sailing competition, you will have to store on board three kegs of beer and a cheeseboard. This will make the event more intriguing because we’ll get to find out if the beer kegs weigh down the boat or maybe even sink it, and if the contestants drink the beer we’ll get to see drunken sailors on live TV.
Co-ed wrestling in mud pits
If you saw the movie “Stripes,” you’ll have a clear image of what this event will be like to watch. Remember John Candy fighting with two women in a mud pit surrounded by boxing ropes? It was funny for a while but then Candy got mad and started really trying to win against the women. A man battling two women, all agitated and angry.
This event at the Games will be co-ed all the way, men and women mud wrestling in thongs and bikinis, and it will be the most entertaining sport in the history of the Olympic Games.
Author Profile
-
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
Sammy Sportface Has a Vision -- Check It Out
Sammy Sportface -- The Baby Boomer Brotherhood Blog -- Facebook Page
Latest entries
BonusJune 17, 2024Ledecky is a Better Athlete Than Me
BonusJune 17, 2024From Not Liking Swimming to Olympian: Aaron Shackall
BonusJune 16, 2024Snubbery Spreading: Clark, Chestnut, Hartley
BonusJune 16, 2024Invitation to My Friend, John Williams: Let’s Talk Again