For dinner, I snuck two fully packed Cook Out chili cheese dogs into Starbucks and will be washing this ugliness down with a Peppermint Mocha Schmoka. It was a slightly better choice than the Pizza-flavored Pringles with Cheerwine I also fantasized about.
Turning to rock and roll, I’ve got to make a point that all you musical elitists need to listen to and be silent about because I’m right. This week I heard the Guess Who on the radio play “No Time” and it convinced me the Guess Who was a much better band than the overrated Who band. “No Time” and “No Sugar Tonight” are better than Baba O’Reilly and other Who songs.
Make time for “No Time” right now:
Time to put my boy Qweenie. One of the most rabid of Who fans among legions in this here Baby Boomer Brotherhood, Qweenie has since he was 18 been gushing that the Who is world-class while making fun of my love for “He’s So Shy” by the Pointer Sisters. Deep down he loves “He’s So Shy” but like so many of you is afraid to admit he likes less masculine songs.
What he doesn’t grasp is that Guess Who was a better band. Plus the Who piggybacked off the Guess Who name to rip off the branding draft, which makes them as suspect as their music. Assessed holistically, the Who is the most overrated band of all time.
Which brings us to Jeff Saturday. You think in high school he had six buddies he always hung out with Sammy Sportface Sunday, Marty Monday, Tommy Tuesday, Wally Wednesday, Thurston Howell The Third Thursday, and Frankie Friday?
How uncanny would that have been for all seven of these guys to have had a last name representing one of the seven days of the week? What’s weird is I’ve never known anyone to have a last name of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday.
Which makes Jeff Saturday’s last name one of the weirdest of all time. It would be like naming a kid Jeff October, or Jeff Veterans Day, or Jeff Fourteen or Jeff Afternoon.
But I digress. Let’s fantasize these seven guys ran the streets together in high school in, say, Saturday, Montana. What did they do on Saturdays? Go to Jeff’s house and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. Sing “Saturday Night’s All Right for Fighting?” and “Saturday in the Park.”
You’ve got to figure Frankie Friday threw five-keg ragers on Fridays whenever his parents left town. Did friends strut into his house and bark “Hey, Happy Frankie Friday?” Was he the son of Sergeant Friday, the on-the-spectrum cop on “Dragnet” circa 1972? If so, his father would have conceived him at the age of 87 or so.
Was Tommy Tuesday the least popular of the seven because Tuesdays stink? Was his boring like all Tuesdays are?
Shifting to Ann Arbor, Michigan, Conner Scallions is the fishhead guy we all have come to find out he concocted a cornball sign-stealing scheme for Michigan’s football team. Last Jeff Saturday Cornball Scallions found himself at home playing video games and watching Law and Order re-runs.
Jim Harbaugh is acting like he knew nothing about this rule-breaking, but I don’t believe him. No one does.
His behavior proves once again that college football coaches will do anything to get an edge to win games so they can keep their lucrative jobs rather than have to update their resumes in Microsoft Word and apply for entry-level telemarketing positions.
In other college football news, the Wake Forest football coach, Dave Clawson, said yesterday his team has “lost its way.” So has Sammy Sportface. He also said the whole transfer portal situation is an “absolute junk show.” New word: junk show. Watch it go viral by this Jeff Saturday. Use the word in a sentence. Sure – what you’re reading is a junk show.
Meanwhile, everyone in the world knows generative AI is going to change how chili cheese dogs and Mocha Schmoka’s get made (by machines); and how sign stealing in college football will become harder to detect due to smarter algorithms and more Jim Morrison-like hallucinations (machines), and how the transfer portal will be driven by machines instead of humans so the financial transactions will become more automated and less error-prone but heartless and detached.
The way I see all this is we’ve finally arrived at a more cohesive, logistically consistent, linearly traceable, and values-driven world.
This is why tonight, in celebration, you should swing by your neighborhood Cook Out and order a Butterfinger Milk Shake, two chili cheese dogs, and allow the Guess Who to rock you into next Jeff Saturday.
Sammy Sportface Sunday
Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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