A Mother's Love

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Hello mom, how are you? I shouldn’t even have to ask because you’re always positive and in good spirits even if times are hard. That’s always been one of the amazing things about you is your ability to adjust no matter what the situation is.

For over 37 years now we’ve had an incredible bond and relationship, by far the easiest I’ve had with any person in my life. My very first memories in my life are being in Lafayette Square in Camden, South Carolina, and sleeping beside you under that white comforter with the blue, yellow, green stripes on it (there may have been other colors too). From there, we went to Frenwood apartments in Lugoff. Unfortunately for me, that’s where I got the worst beating of all time when I wrecked daddy’s truck. That paddle was not fun to deal with, lol.

You kept me active. I was on the Sunbeam Choir at Mt. Moriah Church. However, what I remember the most is being in plays at the Fine Arts Center downtown. Who could forget the infamous outfit back in 1988 when I was in The Wizard of Oz? I think that’s where my artist side began and it was all because of you.

The Food Lion incident in 1989. You warned me not to pick up one of the wine bottles because it was too heavy. Of course, being a kid I didn’t listen and dropped it and it spilled everywhere. I tried desperately to leave the scene but you came around the corner, and well, I got destroyed in front of a live audience lol.

One of the best days of my life started as a disaster. It was either 1989 or 1990 and we were living on Campbell Street and my sisters Tori and Tymara left me at the house by myself. You pulled up to me sitting on the steps crying after work and you asked where they were. Upset, we jumped in the car and went to Columbia Mall and you bought me Batman and Joker toys. If I’m not mistaken we ate pizza that day too. Over 30 years later that’s still one of my favorite days.

That was a fond memory but there was also a terrifying one on Campbell Street, at least for me. One night, I asked you to do something or have something I believe and you told me no. You were about to go out and I was sitting on the couch next to Tori. When you turned your back, I flipped you the bird and looked at her laughing. Unfortunately, I looked too long and you were already looking at me when I turned around. You made me take off all my clothes and lay in the bed until you got back. Scared out of my mind, I fell asleep after crying my eyes out only to wake up to the sound of you bursting through the door, and then you proceeded to beat me into oblivion. Man oh man, lol.

Remember going to see the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie at the Little Theatre? What an amazing night that was. We were all the way to the left of the theatre and you were on the right of me. I was beyond excited and you were too. Then, Casey Jones appeared and the theatre erupted, me included. Over the years you’ve told me how much that night meant to you and it meant a lot to me as well.

When I was six, however, I experienced something that was not only tough but confusing. You were all set to move to Atlanta with Tymara and Tori and I didn’t want to leave our dad by himself. So, we stayed, and watching you leave was very hard for me. I had never lived anywhere without you and I didn’t understand what was going on, it wasn’t an easy thing to deal with.

1991. Good old Meadowood Apartments. It was there where I fully started to understand how precious our time was together. I remember we watch the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie (again lol) when I was about to go back home and when it was over I broke down crying because I had to go. You held me tight and told me it was going to be alright and we’d see each other soon but I didn’t want to let go of you. It broke my heart to leave you, mom.

Lakeside Apartments. What great memories I have there. By that time I had met Carolyn, Jana, Joann, Toni, Deleice, and so many other important women in my life. Also, I met my brothers for life Pooh, Sonny, Demorian, Claudell, and Marvin, Jr. It was there where I started to understand the type of impact you had on people. We had so many positive influences that kept us close to God but you were the leader. You set the tone and it was you that everyone fed off of. It was an unbelievable thing to see and experience as your son and I was proud of you.

The summer of 1994 will always be my favorite of all time. I didn’t know it then but you were out of work. However, there was no way you were going to let that stop me from having an incredible vacation. Remember the double feature we saw that one day? First up was The Lion King and then we saw Angels in the Outfield. 27 years later I still smile thinking about that day, it was the best.

In 2000, my father and I weren’t getting along and we needed to be a part, it just wasn’t working anymore. Once you knew I was coming to Atlanta we started looking at schools for me to go to. We had a ball just doing that and anticipating what it was going to be like. Meadowcreek ended up being the choice and it was the right one. However, it was us being together every day that made it special.

Thursday’s were the best, weren’t they? We always got my haircut then went right across the way to Hollywood Video and rented movies, and of course, we stopped by Subway for food. Simple things but they were very meaningful to me and I know they were for you too.

That summer, unfortunately, it all came to an end. We fell on some hard times that I won’t mention because people don’t need to know but I realized that the best thing for me at that time was to move back to South Carolina with my dad. Once I talked to him I had to tell you about my decision. I can remember the hurt in your eyes and on your face when I told you. However, nothing prepared me for the day I left.

You were getting ready to go to work and we hugged. I could feel you shaking and then we both started to cry. I looked into your eyes with tears running down your face and I felt so bad. I knew it wasn’t my fault but I felt like I let you down. How could I leave you when we waited so long to be together again? That and so many other questions were in my head. I felt like a bad son and it broke my heart.

A few years after that you moved back to South Carolina and I couldn’t have been happier. Finally, I had both my parents within minutes of each other again. Being able to see you both all the time whenever I wanted to was a blessing to me and it was something I had been missing for so long. In 2004, however, my dad and I had to separate again. You had just moved into your new place and had barely gotten settled. Without hesitation you let me come live with you.

I can’t remember the year but I had to have been around 25 or so maybe, and for the first time you and I got into a major argument. It was the first and only time I raised my voice and yelled at you. Although I was in the moment, I knew it was wrong regardless of how I felt. I’ve told you before but I’m sorry mom. I should have just said we’ll talk later when we’re calm but I was a hothead then I wasn’t trying to hear it. I haven’t done that since and never will again.

It didn’t take more than a day for us to get right back on track though because that’s just how our relationship is. A few more years went by and it became obvious that there was nothing for me in Camden and I needed to make a life change. So, I decided to go up to Boston to make a better life for myself. You supported me all the way even though I know it made you sad. The morning I left I remember walking you to your car before work. We hugged and cried and you said “I hope I did everything I could for you. Did I do a good job?” Well, the answer to that question today is the same as it was then, yes.

Our relationship has never been about money or material things. For eight years, you shared your wisdom with me about so many things when we lived together. You gave me perspective and how to look at things with a clear head instead of making irrational decisions which have guided me to this very day.

After returning to South Carolina once my dad passed away, I was in a very dark place. I couldn’t find a job and I couldn’t contribute to the house and help my sister how I wanted to. What did you do? You paid my cell phone bill and car note every month for over a year. Even with all your responsibilities surrounding your life you made sure your 29-year-old son was ok no matter what, I can’t thank you enough for that.

I decided to go back to Boston again in 2014. The purpose was to save up enough money to move to Texas. It was going great until a fallout with a former friend boiled over. I was put out of our condo due to my name not being on anything. I was reckless with money so although I was making a lot I wasn’t saving anything. So, for 26 days I was homeless and living in my car. You helped as much as you could but I was so screwed up mentally that nothing made me feel better, not even talking to you, I was lost.

One night I decided that it wasn’t worth it anymore and I wanted to end my own life. With my hands on the steering wheel and tears in my eyes my phone rang, it was you. We talked for two hours, and even with the hard times I was going through, I felt so much better when we talked. The next day, a guy called about buying my car. Two days later, I was flying to Texas to stay for good. None of that happens if you didn’t make that phone call. You later told me that you felt I wasn’t thinking right so you called. Little did you know, it was a call that saved my life.

The last seven years have been more of the same with us. Whenever I need guidance or just someone to listen I know I can always count on you. Many people probably look at our relationship and think that you just baby me all the time because I’m the youngest and your only son. That may be true to a certain degree but you’ve always told me when you didn’t agree with something or told me when I was wrong. The thing is, our bond is so strong that people sometimes treat it like it’s perfect. It’s not, but we’ve always had this chemistry as mother and son that neither of us can explain.

I may be 37 years old but it’s still very important to me that I make you proud. I know you always will be no matter what but it’s a driving force for me in everything that I do. I wish you could see yourself from my perspective. You’re an amazing woman with a heart of gold and a mind that’s full of knowledge and enlightenment that rubs off on everyone that you encounter.

There are not many women who would put their feelings to the side and allow their 13-year-old daughter and six-year-old son to stay with their father and stay with each other in the same house although she wanted them with her. In December of 1990, you did that. Of course, I was too young to understand the sacrifice you made then but I get it now.

I’ll never claim you were a perfect parent just like I don’t with my father. However, you were and are the perfect mom for me and what I need in my life. Everything I needed you provided for me and it’s helped mold the man you and everyone sees today.

There’s a lot more I can say and there’s so much I’m leaving out because it would take an eternity to write our entire story but all I can say is thank you, mom. Thank you for being my biggest fan no matter what I’ve tried to do. Thank you for being my rock when I need it and when I feel lost out here in this crazy world. Thank you for giving me patience, understanding, and reasoning which has helped me so much.

No matter where I am if you need me you know your son will drop anything to be there or protect you from any harm. I’ll never be able to repay you for all you’ve done but I hope that my success makes you feel accomplished as well because it doesn’t happen without you and your love for me.

I may be all grown up and on my own but I’m still your little boy. I’ll always have to softest spot in my heart for you and you’ll always be the queen of my heart. I’m so proud to be your son and I’m the luckiest man to have you as a mom. From the day I was born and until the end of time, I’ll always be your Shug. I love you more than words can describe!