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The Highlander cruises west as Belichick, the driver, Kraft, riding shotgun, and Goodell quietly imagine to themselves what the upcoming issue of XFL Magazine will look like with Julian Edelman posing in the nude.
Nearing the Ohio border, Goodell says:
“Hey guys, since we’re bonding on this long road trip, I figure we can loosen our britches a bit and go off the record. Did you guys really cheat in Deflategate?”
“You bet your ass we did,” said Belichick. “Brady was deflating footballs his entire career to get an advantage.”
“But you went on national TV and swore you investigated that whole situation and you said your team didn’t cheat.”
“I lied.”
“Hell yeah and I told him to lie,” said Kraft. “No way was I going to admit to you and the rest of the world that the New England Patriots are cheaters. We needed our Super Bowl titles to be legitimate in the public eye. So we lied our asses off.”
“So you lied to me.”
“Roger that.”
“Hey, there’s the Cincinnati Bengals practice facility,” said Belichick. “Let’s stop there and see if Joe Burrow is working out. I would like to recruit him to play for the XFL team I will be coaching next season.”
“Good idea. I need a great quarterback too if we can’t convince Brady to return to the Patriots,” said Kraft.
“We can’t stop and do that,” said Goodell. “That would be tampering. I can’t be tampering when I’m the guy who says you can’t tamper.”
Belichick ignores the Commissioner and pulls into the Bengals practice facility.
“I told you Burrow would be here,” he said.
On the field Burrow, the likely number one pick in this Spring’s NFL draft is throwing passes to retired and highly combustible wide receiver Terrell Owens.
“Hey Joe, got a minute.”
“Sure coach.”
“I am going to be coaching in the XFL next season. And I want you to be my quarterback. Mr. Kraft here will pay you $300 million over five years.”
“I’ll pay him that if he plays for the Patriots, not in the XFL.”
“Shut up, Bobby Boy.”
“Wow, that sounds cool,” said Burrow. “No way I wanna play for the horrible Bengals. Even though I’m from Ohio, I don’t want to play for what is arguably the NFL’s worst franchise. I’ve been telling the press I want to play for the Bengals but that’s a lie.”
“The Bengals aren’t the worst franchise,” said Goodell. “The Redskins are.”
“But I don’t get it,” said Burrow. “Why are you three guys riding around in a car together?”
“I need to get Tom Brady back at quarterback for the Patriots,” said Kraft. “Bill cut Brady without my permission, and so Tom is now with the Seattle Dragons.”
“Oh yeah, I read about that on the Sammy Sportface Facebook page.”
“Hey what’s going on?” asks TO.
“Belichick offered me $300 million to play for some XFL team he will be coaching next year.”
“Take it. The NFL is not what it’s cracked up to be. When I was in the league, I was in constant disagreements with management and that guy there, Goodell.”
Goodell said: “TO has a point. All I have ever cared about is making $20 million a year. Everything else is noise to me.”
“We need to get out of here,” said Kraft. “Joe I want to draft you number one if I don’t get Brady back. So don’t let Belichick convince you to play in the XFL.”
“Brady’s an old man,” said Burrow. “I’m the young stud you need. But the fact that you’re driving out to get him tells me all I need to know about how serious you are about signing me. I ain’t nobody’s second banana.”
“Cool,” said Belichick. “I’ll be in touch, Joe, after we get this stupid drive over with.”
All three men head back to the car. Goodell says:
“Hey, I’m not sitting in the back for this next leg of the drive. It’s a cesspool in the backseat. Nasty hamburger wrappers and other garbage all over. You sit in the back, Bobby Boy.”
“No can do,” Roggie Boy. “It’s my car, it’s my road trip, it’s my quarterback, and it’s my garbage. You have no power over me. I own you. Remember, I pay your salary.”
Goodell gets in the back seat again.
“Let’s go to Wendy’s for lunch,” said Kraft. “I need a Baconator, giant Frosty, large fries, and large chili to deal with all this stress. And when I’m done, I’m heaving all my trash in the back seat with Roger.”
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