Koepka to DeBosworth: Play Faster or Play With Your Life

Koepka to DeBosworth: Play Faster or Play With Your Life

On the eve of the start of the PGA Championship tomorrow, the golfing superstar who is bored by the sport posted, Brooks Koepka, posted a Tweet. 

It was a boldface threat fired like a missile at the golfing world’s modern-day villain for the four-time Major winner has disdain, Bryson DeBosworth.

The Tweet read: “You better play faster this weekend. None of this 10-practice-swing stuff every time you take a shot. Consider yourself warned. I’ll beat you up again like a did a few weeks ago if you don’t obey my order. #golfblows #Sportfaceknows

DeChambeau, Koepka Brawl in Memorial Golf Shop

The Tweet blew a gasket in the Twitterverse universe. Within one hour of the posting, 500 million people Liked the Tweet and another 500 million Retweeted it. 

Facebook had to shut down its operations for the afternoon, and Twitter employees drank Yoo-hoos in their remote work locations as software developers wrote new code to make Twitter more robust.

Although DeBosworth, the reincarnation of Brian “The Boz” Bosworth, wasn’t among those who Retweeted, he did throw down a Tweet in response:

“Hey Katy Koepka, how many Top 10 finishes do you have this season? Seems you’ve lost your game. Maybe you should start drinking five protein shakes a day like me and you’ll be able to blast your drives 360 feet. #youvelostyourmojo

The Tweet got the attention of LeBron James, who has been playing games in the bubble for the Los Angeles  Lakers. He posted his take:

“Koepka’s ahead of the curve. Golf is boring. So is basketball. Sick of hanging out with these NBA guys. Boring. Who likes ping pong? Wish Luca Doncic’s mom was here. Sammy Sportface said she would be. Read his Facebook page. He’s a fraud.” #sad #LucasMom

During his daily press conference today at the PGA tourney golf clubhouse, Koepka got pummeled with questions about why he has disdain for DeBosworth.

“The guy thinks studying physics and drinking protein shakes will make him a better golfer,” he said. “Who thinks that way? I’m telling you, if he starts pulling out his notebooks and taking too long to hit the damn golf ball, I’m going to run up to him and punch his lights out.”

A reporter with the Sammy Sportface Syndicated Network, Sammy Sportface, piped up:

“If you do that, you will get thrown out of the tournament and you will be suspended indefinitely. Is that what you want, Brooks?”

“Anything’s better than playing golf, Sportface” he said. “I don’t even know why I’m here. Sure I’m going for my third straight PGA title and if I win I would be the first guy to win the same Major title three straight years in 93 years. But to be honest with you, I don’t really care. I think I’m going to start writing a sports blog. Can I submit stuff to you, Sportface?”

“Sure I’ll post it on the Sammy Sportface Brotherhood Facebook Page. There are 11 guys in the group not including LeBron and Rudyface.”

“Then why would I submit to you? I’m a famous guy. I could write blogs for the New York Times.”

“Good point, Brooks. If I were you, I wouldn’t get involved with Sportface.”

“Have you seen my girlfriend?” asked Katy Koepka.

“Sure have,” said Sammy.

“So you understand why I would spend my weekends with her rather than with a blown-up Bryson DeBosworth. Besides, it’s going to be cold all weekend. I’m rather sit by a fire with her and snuggle up.”

The press conference started to get out of hand. Reporters can’t get their heads around the fact that this guy who can make golf history this weekend doesn’t even want to play.

But sometimes people just don’t like what they do. Take, for example, Sammy Sportface. He’s bored with sports blogging but keeps doing it because there’s a pandemic going on and he can’t get within six feet of anyone.

“If I could get within six feet of people, I would quit sports blogging right now. But that’s not the world we’re living in.”

Koepka is onto something, this idea of boredom, Sportface thinks to himself and types on his computer screen. Boredom abounds. Boredom is breaking us down. Boredom has broken our spirits. Boredom beckons us forward.

“Hey Brooks,” Sportface says. “I’m bored. Let’s go beat up DeBosworth together. We’ll recruit John Rahm, Justin Thomas, Rickey Fowler, and Tommy Fleetwood Mac to join us. We’ll all beat him up. We’ll make him chug five protein shakes on the first tee with his shirt off as he flexes his steroid biceps. That will bounce Americans out of their boredoms.”

“Then I’ll write a blog about it and submit it to you for posting on your Facebook page,” said Koepka. “You’re all right, Sportface. You’ve given me something to look forward to this weekend besides playing golf.”

“Your blog would be boring,” said Sportface. “But bring it on. Bring on more boredom. Boring is beautiful.”

To be continued…

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