Adam Silver has himself in some droopy gumbo soup. He can’t decide whether to resign as NBA Commissioner for his untoward Tweet about Luca Doncic’s Mom. Or slither away with her to Disney World – just the two of them — and blow off the NBA playoffs. Or both.
His phone rings.
“Dirty old bald man, it’s Luca Doncic. I don’t like you Tweeting about my Mom. It was inappropriate. She’s hot but that doesn’t give you the right to Tweet that about her.”
“Does this mean you won’t participate in the NBA playoffs in Orlando?” Silver asked.
“You need to give up on the NBA playoffs, Silver Head. No players want to play. We’re all distracted by other things going on in the world. The truth is nobody cares about basketball anymore including all the players in your league.”
“When will they start caring?”
“All they will care about is checking out my Mom. So here’s my deal. I won’t sue you for besmirching my family name if you ensure all 264 NBA players from 22 playoff teams get to go to Disney World for three weeks, all expenses paid, but not have to play any games. And I get to bring my top 10 girlfriends all paid for by the NBA.”
“But the NBA will lose hundreds of millions of dollars if we don’t have the playoffs,” said Silver. “We need the playoff revenues to pay the players.”
“You want me to sue you? That would cost you your job and reputation. The press all over the world including in my home country of Slovenia would think poorly of you and the NBA and America.”
“Has your Mom agreed to be there in Orlando? Because if she has, I want to be there so I can see her.”
“You’re not allowed on the trip, creepy old man. Just NBA players.”
“What’s in this for me?”
“Nothing. The NBA is no longer about you. It’s a players league. LeBron runs everything. He will decide which Disney World swimming venues we visit each day to see my Mom in a bikini and my 10 girlfriends who will join her in the water venues. Our smartwatches will be synchronized to LeBron Standard Time.
“Agree to this or I’ll go to the press telling all of them you want to go to Disney World with my mother by yourself and cancel the NBA playoffs,” he added. “That won’t be a good look for you, Bald Headed Pukie.”
Silver realizes he’s trapped and doomed. He runs a basketball league in which the players don’t want to play basketball. It’s like owning a spaghetti restaurant in a town where no one likes to eat spaghetti.
The NBA has lost its allure. Societal events have overtaken everything rendering life devoid of meaning. Shooting a ball into a hoop has become trivial. James Naismith’s concept of putting a ball inside a ring – which for a hundred years has captured the imagination of billions of people – is, in the end, dull after all, a stupid waste of time signifying emptiness.
The league’s entire existence teeters on the brink of ubiquitous extinction. Basketball has lost its allure. Football is as flat as Kansas. Baseball has become a borefest. Silver’s empire has crumbled. The players rule. They have had an epiphany that playing basketball is senseless. Disney Land rides, Luca’s Mom, and Luca’s 10 girlfriends are all that resonates. Baldie’s clout has faded. His life has become a meandering dirt road.
He calls NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
“Roger, I think something profound is going on. NBA players don’t want to play basketball.”
“And NFL players don’t want to play football,” said Roger. “And MLB players don’t want to play baseball. The death of sports is upon us.”
“I never thought I would see the day when NBA players would lose interest in playing basketball,” said Silver. “What’s happening to our world, Roger? What’s happening to our empires?”
“The world is ending,” said Roger. “This is the end of human existence. All life has lost meaning. We are doomed. Rich guys like us aren’t relevant anymore. Nothing is relevant about sports anymore. The world is moving on to something else. Sports are now historical footnotes in the long story of human existence dating back to the Biblical times of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”
“Is Luca’s Mom relevant?” asked Silver.
“Stupid question, Adam. Of course, she’s relevant. She’s more relevant than ever just like Adam and Eve remain germane in our daily lives some one billion years after they walked around nude. They were crude, sinners like the rest of us. They fell victims to the basic human desires. That story keeps repeating itself. Luca’s Mom is like Eve. If you’re not going to take Luca’s Mom to Disney World, then I would like to. I’ll play the role of Adam.”
“But that would leak to the press and your wife and kids would find out and you lose your $20 million a year job.”
“I ruined my public reputation a few months ago when I smoked weed with Ricky Williams and drank too much wine at Drew Bledsoe’s house,” he said. “Sammy Sportface outed me on his blog. I have nothing to lose anymore. I’m free to be bad now and have anything else to lose. I sure would like to take Luca’s Mom to Disney World and never return. That would be the ultimate fantasy.”
To be continued…