NFL Weekly Update: From a Guy Who Doesn’t Watch Any of It

Hey, man, you can read up on what’s going on in the NFL from people who watch the games, or you can come to me for insights on what’s going on. I haven’t watched one second of the NFL this season and don’t plan to because I’m busy watching YouTube videos by Jordan Peterson, about Caitlin Clark and her impact on the entire universe, and how generative AI is going to have an IQ of 100 million within a year thereby upending life as we know it.

So you’re going to find where my head is at on all this which is probably pretty on target because the NFL is predictable and boring, and because I’ve seen at least 37,000 games in my lifetime.

This is what is going on: The NFL cares about one thing – the Chiefs going to the Super Bowl again so Taylor Swift will go watch her boyfriend on the team play, which will draw the eyeballs of hundreds of millions of women who otherwise wouldn’t watch the games. It’s all about money. Everything about it: Taylor, commercials, salaries, holdouts, Fantasy Football.

Not interesting.

The other thing going on is the Washington Commanders are 3-1 in first place in the NFC East and I’ve written a rap song about this sudden rise to prominence. You’ll be hearing the new song soon if I’m able to coax my music producers to climb on board this Top 40 hit that will make you think about the hugeness of “Rapper’s Delight” and wonder if this new song will sell even more copies.

The other thing going on in the NFL is they are calling running and passing plays and sometimes they get first downs and sometimes not and if not they have to punt. Guarantee that’s what’s going on in every single game.

But if any of these NFL teams were playing Wake Forest, they would never punt because no teams ever punt against them. They always figure they’ll get a first down even if it’s fourth down and “California” – which means 35 yards or more.

Speaking of California, Wake Forest Buck Hankmeyer played like a superhero in Saturday’s game against the Rajin’ Cajuns of Louisiana. The guy ran for extra yards several times and consistently hit receivers.

We have a quarterback in Winston-Salem who is hard not to like and respect. He took hits in the open field to get the extra inches. I called him the California Kid earlier this year and I think that name suits him because I can’t think of a better one and he’s from California so I used logic.

One other thing: Louisiana’s coaches aren’t teaching their defensive players the helmet-to-helmet hitting rule. The squad broke an NCAA record with four players getting ejected from the game for helmet-to-helmet hits.

I don’t think I’ve seen a game where two guys got thrown out. This team managed to get four tossed. It’s as if they wanted to form a club on hitmen on the sideline, not playing but able to say they used their helmets as weapons against opposing football players, and that made them feel macho.

All four will probably play in the NFL but I won’t watch them because I have vowed never to watch the league again unless the Commandos make the playoffs then I’ll be all in with a vengeance unlike anything you’ve ever seen in your life.