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Having played 18 holes of beach golf and gulped a few cold ones at the 19th, and not knowing what to converse about over dinner with Swordfish one night this week, Qweenie launched into a story about his glory days as an eighth-grade Maplewood football player.
“They had me starting at offensive guard when preseason began,” he said. “But they realized I was too good of an athlete so they moved me to tailback. That’s when my athletic skills shined bright and I took over the entire Beltway League. You may have heard of plenty of Maplewood football giants, but I was the best of all of them.”
Qweenie told Swordface he was not just a good runningback, but actually a great one, better than all the Maplewood legends including Kevin Jez, who went on to play for Boston College on a full scholarship, and Rooster, who spent 11 years at James Madison University.
“I loved to hit guys and inflict pain,” said Qweenie while chugging a beer and rubbing his belly. “I swear I was even better than Teeth back then before he became a psychopathic maniac.”
This was his stat line, according to him: 22 rushing touchdowns, 1,879 yards on 42 carries; and 11 TD receptions, eight of which went for over 80 yards.
“I was headed to play for the Oklahoma Sooners and Barry Swindler,” he said. “I was going to be the next Billy Sims.”
But after that season, Qweenie’s athletic career veered sideways. In that same year’s basketball season, he ran up against the hairiest, most post-pubescent 14-year-old basketball superstar in the history of the Washington, D.C. area.
His name — Sammy Swordfish of course.
“Swordfish had hair under his arms, all over his back, and I imagine everywhere else and I hadn’t even reached puberty,” said Qweenie. “The dude was sticking jumpers from 30 feet out when the rest of us were shooting 15-foot set-shots. I thought Charlie Leasure was a pretty good player on our team until I said Swordfish absolutely school Snake. The only good part of that game was watching Teeth punch himself in the face a bunch of times in frustration not because we lost but because he hadn’t reached puberty yet which is all he ever wanted.”
So it was that overwhelming Swordfish encounter that led Qweenie to explore football glory in ninth grade at St. John’s High School. But once again he found himself relegated to the offensive line, the death trap for non-athletes like slimy and uncoordinated Matthew Gildax. Those high school coaches didn’t think Qweenie’s athleticism warranted him starting at tailback over Kevin Mank, the biggest meathead in the history of meatheads.
“That’s when I started hanging out with Rudy and what a mistake that was,” he said. “I swear had I never met that guy I would have been All-Met in football.”
“Qweenie never played running back for Maplewood,” said Rudy. “That’s total BS. He’s always been slow as shit.”
As dessert time came around, Swordfish, who had a five-dollar foot-long swordfish for his entrée, ordered a gaggle of dessert dishes such as dreamland chocolate cake, banana rama bread pudding, two key lime pies, and a case of Budweiser.
“Well Qweenie, I never knew you were the Maplewood football legend that you’ve described for me tonight,” said Swordfish. “But I seriously doubt any of what you said about your prowess is true.”
“Ask Billy Dankos,” he said. “He was on the team.”
“Bill Dankos is Billy D Williams,” said Swordfish. “Nobody believes anything Dankos says.”
Qweenie had heard enough.
“What about you, Swordfish? You were a Man Child Planet of the Apes Monster in eighth grade. But you peaked. You never grew after that, everybody got better than you, and your entire athletic career careened into nothingness. What a disappointment you were. I thought you would be great in high school but Gary Potts turned out to be better than you. Rudy’s right: “You are the biggest bust in the history of Washington-area athletics.”
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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