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We all know Julian Edelman isn’t retiring from football. He’s sick of being coached by Bill Belichick.
And we all know where he’s going – to join the Tom Bradys – where he’ll be reunited with his favorite quarterback and friend and join the hell-bent freight train engineered by Johnny Foxboro to win his eighth Super Bowl ring this coming season.
“Julian’s sick of Belichick so he’s leaving that lousy team and joining us for another Super Bowl title,” said Foxboro. “How sweet it is – Belichick says I’m no longer good enough for this team. I win a title and he flounders around with Cam Fig Newton. And now I’ve stolen away another one of his key players. I’m the greatest of all time in football history and everybody – especially Belichick – knows it.”
Up in Foxboro today, Belichick got called into a meeting with the owner of the team, Robert Kraft.
“So you and I know why Edelman retired,” he said. “He doesn’t like you and he wants to play with Brady, who has proven he’s the GOAT and you’re not. I’d say your job is on thin ice. You better win me a Super Bowl this year or you’re done as head coach of the Patriots.”
“But we drafted Mac Jones this week,” said Belichick. “He’s gonna be better than Brady.”
“That’s laughable, Bill,” said Kraft. “No one will ever be better than Brady and you let him go. That’s got to the stupidest decision in the history of pro sports.”
“What do you say we go to Rosy Rubdowns?” said Belichick. “I need a massage to relieve the stress you’re making me feel.”
Kraft stands up, grabs a shower towel, and says he’s ready.
“I’m always up for Rosie’s Rubdowns,” he said. “Boy am I stressed out. In the span of just two years, we lost Brady, Gronk, Edelman – three franchise players who brought us six Super Bowls. And all of this is your fault, Bill.”
The two men enter Rosie’s Rubdowns. They lie on tables right next to each other.
Their massages begin starting with the feet, ankles, and calves.
Kraft’s phone rings.
“Hey Mr. Kraft, it’s Tom Brady. You do realize that Edelman isn’t really retiring. He’s coming to win another Super Bowl with me in Tampa Bay.”
“Yes, I know that, Tom.”
“Are you getting another rubdown, Mr. Kraft? I think you should. And bring Belichick along. You guys must be really stressing out.”
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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