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You’re almost there, on the brink of realizing your lifelong dream, being a member of the U.S. Olympic Swim Team.
There’s just one more hurdle. You’ve got to finish first or second in your events at the U.S. Olympic Trials starting June 4th in Nebraska.
To give yourself the best chance of making the team, you’ve got to start really paying attention to every little detail of your life, from the TV shows you watch to the Instagrams you send to the fast food you eat.
Use your best judgment on the TV and Instagram stuff – this is not our focus here. But you’ll want to seek some outside expert consulting advice on SwimSwam.com to ingest the right fast foods over these crucial final days before the big swim-off in Omaha.
So here’s what you need to know and do.
One: Start with this: Eat a Wendy’s Baconator at least five times a week. It can be either for dinner or lunch or dinner and lunch but at least five of these honkers five days a week must be thrown down – by you.
The Baconator isn’t just another hamburger. It’s two oversized burger patties, three six-inch strips of greasy bacon, and a pasting of ketchup and mayonnaise. That last part is the secret sauce of this spellbinding sandwich.
Just think about that combination of tastebud delights: ketchup and mayo.
You won’t find that concoction on any other fast food sandwich. Well, it’s possible but rare and you certainly won’t get that mixture on a double burger with long strips of bacon.
The reason you want to eat the Baconator is that it tastes good. But for your all-important nutritional concerns, you’ll also get a big pop of protein chowing on the double-decker burger pattie.
Combining taste and practical training benefits, there’s no sandwich you need to be eating more often than the bodacious Baconator before the biggest moment in your swimming life.
Two: Next on your menu should be a seemingly odd combination that actually really works well together. Go to Bojangles and order large mashed potatoes and sausage gravy. They’ll think you’re ordering for the whole family of four but it’s all for you.
To wash all that down, also put in a double order of two Bo Berry biscuits with icing.
Forget the protein with this order. Seek all starch. You’ll have already loaded up on protein with all the battalion of beefy Baconators.
Park your car somewhere random on a side street where no one will see you. Turn off the ignition.
When you open the huge cylinder of mashies, pour the gravy on top. You’ll notice the gravy is not light brown. It’s rather light tan cluttered with sausage chunks.
Keep the car radio off. You’ll need quiet for this experience. Eat the mashies. Then finish it all off with the Bo Berry Biscuits, which the best desserts you can get at any fast food joint in the United States.
You may be concerned about the number of calories this lunch will add to your body. It’s excessive. But you’re a swimmer and the next morning you’ll swim it all off.
Three: Still hungry? You should be. As an elite swimmer, you burn more calories than 99.999 percent of all 6 billion-plus people on Earth.
So go back to Wendys. Order a large Chocolate Frosty Milk Shake. It’s like a gallon of five-star ice cream in a cup. But hold off. Drive over to the nearest McDonalds. Order a Shamrock Shake. It’s a lime ice cream sensation, laced with whipped cream, in a cup. Order the large.
Pull off the road again to some random street. Suck and slurp down both milkshakes.
Four: Do some mental exercises. Imagine you’re racing at the Olympic trials and you’re feeling the grand pianos on your back. Now replace the image of pianos with the Frosty and Shamrock Shake. It’s kind of like displacement theory.
You’ll forget about the pianos and think about the great sensations of downing the two best milkshakes ever produced in the junk food industry. Having offloaded the pulverizing pianos, you’ll swim faster and touch the wall first or second and make the Olympic squad.
Five: Qualified as an Olympian, leave the natatorium. You’re going to be thirsty after your race. Go back to McDonald’s and order another Hi-C Orange Drink.
I promise you, you’ll never taste anything more refreshing.
You’ll feel nourished. Your thirst will be quenched. And you’ll be on your way to Tokyo. In the Olympic Village, there’ll be a 24-hour McDonalds so you can order dozens more Hi-C Oranges and Shamrock Shakes.
They’ll give you good vibes and positive imagery tools throughout your stay in Southeast Asia.
And you’ll win a Gold Medal.
How does that taste?
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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