Confusion Corrodes NBA Draft Night

Confusion Corrodes NBA Draft Night

No one knew quite what to make of last night’s NBA draft especially after the Charlotte Hornets took LeMelo Ball with the third pick.

Was he the little brother of LeBron James or the cousin of Carmelo Anthony? Could LeMelo dominate like King James or hog the ball as adroitly as Carmelo?

Things warmed up when the Miami heat selected Precious Achiuwa at number 20. Precious matriculated at Memphis, alma mater of Baskerville Holmes and Penny Hardaway. He’s from some country far from the United States famous for its precious minerals, stones, and other natural resources.

“He’s a precious player,” said Heat general manager Pat Riles. “Reminds me of my precious hair slicks back in my coaching days with the Show Time LA Lakers.”

With the 15th pick, the University of Nevada Las Vegas Running Rebels took Cole Anthony so he could play this coming March with his Dad, Greg, Grandmama Larry Johnson, Stacey Augmon, and Anderson Hunt in the national semi-finals game against Duke and smoke them out of the arena.

The Minnesota Timberwolves went all Europeoni on us and took Aleksej Pukusevski out of Serbia, which is someone close to Russia but pretty far from Taiwan.

“We think Aleksej is the second coming of Kevin the Big Ticket Garnett,” said the Wolves owner, Bud Grant, who also used to coach the Minnesota Vikings. “He can’t jump as high and is not as quick nor as athletic, and his foot speed is below average, but we figure if he jumps rope for 15 minutes a day he’ll fix all that and be like KG was before he abandoned us to win a title with the Celtics.”

The Hawks went all West Coast on us by drafting with the sixth pick Onyeka Okonwu, a Trojan from the University of Southern California, alma mater of Reggie Bush and Will Farrell.

“We figured Atlanta needed some West Coast influence in our culture so we had to go with Onyeka,” said Mike Fratello, the czar of the telestrator and on his fourth stint as coach of the Hawks. “California kids with the name Onyeka are bound to be good fits in the great city of Atlanta.”

In an effort to speed up the draft night and their pace of play, the Oklahoma City Thunderstorms took Immanuel Quickly with the 25th quick.

“We drafted him mainly because his last name is Quickly and we thought that would sell tickets, which is all we really care about because the NBA and our team are in financial stress because no one watched the NBA playoffs last season. “Quickness is a primary basketball and we knew we had to take Quickly quickly before someone quickly took him off the draft board.”

To be continued next year after the NBA draft unfolds.

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