A fracas broke out this morning in the Butler Cabin at the Master’s Golf Championship. Brooks Koepka stirred up trouble by heckling Bryson DeChamBoz for almost missing the cut yesterday.
“You are your big bomber driver almost drove you right out of the tournament,” said Koepka, who is 5 under after two rounds and four shots off the lead. “How many drives did you hit into the woods in the first two rounds—20? 30? You spent more time in the woods than the sour-mooded essayist Henry David Thoreau. You barely made the cut. So much for your theory that smashing a golf ball farther than everybody else will steal you Major golf championships.”
DeChamBoz, who finished yesterday’s round at 2 under and made the cut by only one stroke, listened to all this heat from Koepka as he gulped down three protein shakes.
“My way works,” he said. “I won the US Open. You were at home sissying around with some lame excuse that your knee hurt.”
“I used that time off to beef up to be bigger and fatter than you,” said Koepka, who arrived at the Masters 40 pounds heavier and with bigger should biceps than DeChamBoz. “Now I’m the most ridiculously looking golfer on the PGA Tour. By the way, how many Major have you won, ChamBoz?”
ChamBoz had heard enough. He hurled himself at Koepka. They scrummed around the pristine Butler Cabin, breaking nice chairs and couches.
The scene was reminiscent of a golf clubhouse fight the two of them engaged in earlier this year at the Jack Nicklaus Memorial Golf Tournament.
Two brawls in the same year between two golfers who hate each other – that’s the year 2020 in a nutshell.
“You need three more Majors to catch me and you know that’s never going to happen,” said Koepka. “You’re going to blow out your back because you swing so hard. Your golf career is officially on a downward spiral starting this weekend at the Masters. Those protein shakes will just make you fatter than you already are. You’ll still be shanking drives into the trees and bushes and surrounding fairways. Your newfangled approach to golf is a fad.”
“Then why did you get fat and bulk up like me if my strategy is such a bad idea?” asked ChamBoz.
“So I could whip you in a pro shop brawl again,” said Koepka.
Then Tommy Fleetwood Mac entered the clubhouse.
“Hey fellas, listen to this tune,” he said. He put on “Don’t Stop Thinkin’ About Tomorrow” by his favorite 70s band, Fleetwood Mac.
“Hey Fleetwood Mac,” said Koepka. “You think ChamBoz is a doofus for bulking up and driving the ball 400 yards to try to differentiate himself from the rest of the golfing world?”
“He can Go His Own Way,” said Fleetwood, citing another Fleetwood Mac song. “My main concern right now is Stevie Nix.”
To be continued…
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