Not even for one afternoon. Not for one charity golf match not supposed to be about them. Not on a day that was supposed to provide fans with much-needed, live, and light-hearted sports to watch during the pandemic, could Bill Belichick and Tom Brady put aside their hatred for each other.
The two egomaniacs brawled and bickered throughout 18 holes of golf today. This combative confrontation turned south early on when Belichick, who recently cut Brady from the Patriots, showed up abruptly and unexpectedly right before the first hole. He proceeded to inject himself into a foursome that was supposed to be Brady, Peyton Manning, Tiger Woods, and Phil Mickelson.
He told the group he was happy to pay off the event organizers to get his late slot so he could whip Brady. He stuck the knife in deeper by noting that he paid off the organizers with the money he saved by not having to waste money on a huge salary for Brady to stay with the Patriots.
The coach gave $23 to Peyton Manning to be his caddy. As a result of Belichick’s rudeness, the pairings turned out to be Belichick and Mickelson vs. Brady and Tiger.
“We’re playing for $50 million a hole,” said Mickelson. “Plus we will wager $10 million on every aspect of this round including longest tee-shot on each hole, longest one-two-and three-putts made on each hole, how many times Belichick and Brady insult each other, and how many whizzes we take and for how long.”
No one said anything to this. But they each thought to themselves how amazingly addicted Phil was and still is to all things gambling.
Belichick grabbed his driver and said he should tee off first.
“I’m hitting first because I deserve the most respect among the group because I’m the biggest reason the Patriots won six Super Bowls and not Brady.”
As he took his backswing, he heard a chorus of ear-popping and fermenting belches from the three other players and gallery fans.
“What was that? Damn it smells around here.”
“That was everybody letting loose my T-Belch Burger,” said Brady. “I can’t think of a sound that sums up how I feel about you more succinctly and accurately than a crowd of people belching, especially when you’re trying to concentrate on hitting your sorry golf shot.”
After gathering himself and his thoughts and feeling relieved to have unleashed a from the bottom of the belly belch, Woods had to speak his mind:
“Brady and Belichick can’t carry my Tiger-logo jockstrap. I’m the greatest athlete of this generation. You guys go on and on about who’s the GOAT, you or Brady. The truth is I’m the GOAT of the entire sports world. My 15 Major Golf titles far surpass six Super Bowl wins.”
“Let’s add another bet to our round,” said Mickelson. “Let’s put odds on how many times Tiger will argue with Belichick and Brady about who’s the GOAT during the round, and on which holes he will curse at them. And we should wager on how many times Tiger brags about the number of women he has been with, and on which holes he will name at least one of those women by name.”
Dismissive of Tiger and Phil’s antics – much like he is of all reporters during press conferences — Belichick regains his composure and whacks at his tee shot. A wild left hook disappears rapidly into the deep dark woods.
“Nice shank, Belch Boy,” said Brady.
Brady takes his driver and cranks a cruddy shot into the same undesirable and thicketed area.
“You’ve lost all your athletic ability, you logo-mongering walking billboard for your TB self,” said Belch Boy. “I can see why you would be so anxious to cash in on your fame before it’s too late because you know you suck at quarterback. That’s why I cut you.”
When the two arrive at their balls, they start kicking them around to better positions where they give themselves better lies and can avoid hitting trees.
“You gangsters cheat at everything,” said Manning. “You cheated when I played you in the AFC title games. You deflated footballs and spied on other teams and you keep cheating even now on the golf course. Your six Super Bowls were undeserved. I ain’t your caddy no more, Belch Boy.”
Manning heaves Belch Boy’s clubs into the forest and stammers back to the cloud to guzzle four pints of Guinness. Then he calls a “Saturday Night Live” producer. He tells him he has a provocative idea for an upcoming episode involving a god-awful golf foursome.
To be continued…
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