Stephen A: So what’s with this toilet paper disaster? I mean, I go to the supermarket and go down the paper products aisle and it’s unbelievably bare where the toilet paper used to be? It’s the epitome of emptiness. I am not messing around. I am going to tear somebody up if I don’t get my toilet paper right now. Plain and simple.
Fauci: We’re in a global pandemic. People are stocking up on supplies.
Stephen A: This is insanely insane. Plain and simple. Can’t you do anything about this toilet paper paradigm-shifting predicament? You’ve got to find the answer. Stephen A. has got to have his TP.
Fauci: People can buy whatever they want at the supermarket. I have no control over that. My job is to flatten the curve.
Stephen A: So what am I supposed to do at home without toilet paper? I mean, this is utter utter nonsense.
Fauci: You could use paper towels or napkins.
Stephen A: That is utter nonsense. Plain and simple. I need toilet paper and there’s none of it anywhere. I thought about using leaves from my yard. What a travesty of tremendously tormenting proportions.
Fauci: You could do that but be sure to keep your social distance from your neighbor when you gather the leaves. We need to slow the spread.
Stephen A. Let’s move on from this maddening madness. I hear the new Dr. Fauci bobblehead has become more popular than the Stephen A. bobblehead. This is blasphemously and ridiculously and inexplicably wrong, flat out unjust. Let me explain something to you. I used to the king of the bobblehead kingdom and for good reason: Because I get ratings above all the other absurdly absurdists on TV. I rule with unruliness the ESPN network, those spectacularly stupid suits.
Fauci: I have a Stephen A. bobblehead. I got one because I like sports. You know I played high school basketball.
Stephen A: Bet they called you Tiny Tony. You can hardly see above the podium in the daily White House briefings. Bet you were a sorry ass player. Bet you played in some preppy prep school prep league with a bunch of bodacious bums. I mean, give me a break.
Fauci: I was actually pretty good. The president announced that during the presser last week. I hear you didn’t even start on your high school team. Well, I did. So no wonder my bobblehead is selling more than yours. It’s also because I’m the most important person on Earth right now leading the fight against the coronavirus. You, Stephen A., have been rendered irrelevant. No one’s watching you right now, and it’s eating you alive. I can tell. I’m a doctor and can tell when people are not feeling well. You’re battling psychological demons.
Stephen A: Demons? Demons? I am the demon. I am everybody’s demon. I specialize in demoness. Better than me? Than me? It’s preposterous for you to suggest you were in any way a better high school basketball player than I was. I didn’t start, true, and I had a big mouth that repelled my coach and teammates. But I was on a much better team than you. I played in the inner city in the hood. You played in the suburbs with all the prep school guys who were slow and couldn’t jump. That’s not real basketball, suburban, slow-man boring-as-hell babyface basketball. You went to some school where they train you to be an epistemologist or whatever you are.
Fauci: You’re just jealous. Face facts, Stephen A. Come to terms with your demons. I started for my high school team and you didn’t. My bobblehead is a bigger seller than yours. And I’m the guy everybody’s listening to on TV every night on CNN, MSNBC, and Newsy. No one’s watching “First Take,” your daily TV show. Why would they? The sports world doesn’t exist. Your world is dead.
Stephen A: That’s utterly ridiculous. I’ve never been in any way or under any circumstances jealous of an epistemologist or any other scientists of any type whatsoever. To me, the only science of any substance in this world is the sweet science of Stephen A. and his historically and phantasmagorically technique of screaming at people such as Max Kellerman and my radio show listeners. Hey Fauci, answer my question. ANSWER MY QUESTION, DAMMIT.
Fauci: What’s your question?
Stephen A.: Where’s all the damn toilet paper? Damnit, I’m not messing around. I need my toilet paper. This is utterly absurd.
Stephen A. hangs up on Dr. Fauci. He stomps out to his yard and collects a handful of leaves.
To be continued…
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