When we left off last, the seven musketeers were on a balloon floating around wondering where they were going. They were Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, Robert Kraft, Drew Bledsoe, Ricky Williams, Roger Goodell, and Antonio Brown.
In that last sequence, Brady and Belichick revealed the big secret that Brady was never going to leave the Patriots. The car ride to get him back from the Seattle Dragons was a big head-fake the two of them had concocted to get the rest of the NFL teams spending time trying to get Brady to play for them.
But it turns out there’s more to the story.
Today Brady announced he will no longer play for the Patriots. Belichick is confused because he thought he had a deal with Brady to come back and they were in the con job together.
“Sammy Sportface is reporting you’re not coming back,” said Belichick. “That’s not the scheme we set up. You’re supposed to be returning to the Patriots.”
“I double-crossed you,” said Brady. “I pretended to be in on your scheme, but I never had any intention of returning to your team. You believed me when I said I would return. But this is not a business where people tell the truth to each other. You know that better than anyone, Bill. You fell for it. You’ve been had – by the guy who is most responsible for winning six Super Bowls for the Patriots. I’ve been waiting to get back at you for a long time, and your comeuppance is now.”
“Are you serious, Tom?” he asked. “Have you really double-crossed me?”
“Read Sammy Sportface’s Facebook page,” said Brady. “He’ll tell you all about this. He’s been my go-to exclusive blogger setting up this whole situation with you driving across the country to get me and you thinking I agreed to return. Yet there’s no way that’s happening.”
“But I wrote so many nice things to you on my Tweet today,” he said. “I said I loved you. Doesn’t that mean anything?”
“You never loved anybody but yourself.”
Kraft can’t take this any longer.
“I need to jump off this balloon,” he said. “Brady is gone. My life is over.”
Antonio Brown grabs the old man who is climbing over the side ready to plummet thousands of feet to the ground.
“Hold on, old man,” said AB. “Let’s give you a parachute. I learned how to parachute in air balloon training school.”
“I don’t want a parachute,” Kraft said. “I want to die.”
“So do I,” said Belichick.
“But that’s not what your Tweets said about me,” said Brady. “You both told me you loved me. If you love me so much, I would think you would wish me well.”
“To hell with wishing you well,” said Belichick. “I can’t win anymore Super Bowls without you at quarterback. But I have to get back to Foxboro to start planning for next season. I’ve already lost time and can’t waste anymore.”
“You got that right,” said Brady. “Have fun finding a quarterback as good as me.”
“Who are you going to play for?” asked AB.
“I don’t know AB,” said Brady. “Maybe the Chargers or the Bucs. It’s not so important where I am going as where I left. I left the Patriots in the lurch and they’re going to regret not re-signing me. They’ve done this to themselves.”
Goodell feels the need for clarification: “So Belichick, you thought you had a scheme to distract the NFL by us driving across the country to get Brady but you acted like you didn’t want him. But in reality, you wanted him and Brady agreed to the distraction to get those teams wasting time chasing Brady. But then Brady turned on you in the end. He really is leaving your team and made you drive across the country for nothing?”
“You don’t have to rub it in, Roger,” Belichick said.
“I have news for you,” said Goodell. “I was in on this scheme with Brady. I’ve been waiting to get back at you and Kraft for years. You lied about Deflategate and have been messing with my mind as NFL Commissioner for years. Now you’ve lost Brady and that’s what you deserve. I will be rooting for Tom to win the Super Bowl this season.”
“That’s it,” said Kraft. “I’m out.”
“Me too,” said Belichick.
AB straps the two men into their parachutes. They hold each other’s hands despite the global pandemic. And jump.
The five dudes remaining in the balloon watch as Robert Kraft and Belichick float away down towards Earth.
“Let’s get high,” said Ricky. “This is reason to celebrate. The old men got screwed and Brady is here with us to party, a free man at last.”
“I feel high already,” said Brady. “But give me that bone anyway. It’s party time for the fellas.”
To be continued…
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