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Sammy Sportface
You sit on the side of your bed. You pull one leg up to put on a sock. You slide it on your foot.
You are once again reminded that your toenails haven’t been cut in months. They’re sharp, like butcher knives. The knives snag the socks. If you pull up the socks anymore, you will rip your sock.
In fact, you already did.
You ask yourself these three questions: Why don’t I ever clip my toenails? And now that I have slit another sock, I am running out of any socks to wear that don’t have holes in them, and then what am I going to do? And do I really care that this is happening to me?
My toenails are five razor blades on each foot. No sock can get past them without getting cut. As you get older your toenails get sharper, sort of as you get older you lose your hair and mumble your words sometimes.
I don’t remember cutting up my entire sock collection as a kid. Or if I did, I didn’t notice as I do now. This started happening only a few years ago.
Each day I keep doing this. It’s the definition of insanity we’ve all heard about. Doing the same thing over and over and getting the same bad result. Insanity isn’t as bad as everybody says it is in some cases.
My supply of unripped socks runs low. My morale falls. It’s a downward spiral. I figure I can go one more day wearing socks with holes in them.
It’s not ideal, but it’s a workaround. Life is about survival and compromises and cutting corners.
Do you have this toenail problem? You’re a Baby Boomer Brother. Surely you’ve noticed how sharp your toenails get? Or are you one of those guys who has always been annoyingly fastidious about getting out your toenail clippers and keeping them well-trimmed and preventing them from becoming machetes?
Do you have a regularly scheduled time for cutting your toenails say at 8 pm on Wednesdays?
Where do you get toenail clippers? Do doctors sell them? Do they sell them at KFC?
I have never bought them in my life. It’s amazing that for all these years I’ve gotten by without them, picking my toenails off with my hands from time to time in a haphazard fashion on no set schedule whenever they seemed to be getting out of hand and gnarly. Like the rest of my life, the way I have approached toenail clipping has been undisciplined.
But when they get sharp, they’re tougher to rip off with your hands. That means they stay there longer and get sharper.
My toenails could slice up sheetrock and cut through metal pipes. You could put them on the end of a scalpel and cut open a man’s chest to do heart surgery. On Thanksgiving, you could use my toenails to carve your turkey.
How sharp are your toenails?
Are you carving up all your socks?
The problem with all this is that I could solve part of the problem by getting some toenail clippers. But where do you get them?
Yet even if I did that the toenails would grow back. I would have to cut them again, which would be a hassle, or not cut them and rip up my next collection of socks.
I’m so torn up by all this.
Pass the turkey.
Author Profile
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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