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Greetings, Class of 2017 Graduates.
As you dive into the slimy sports profession after graduating today, know that you are equipped with very devalued skills and not much hope of making much money and gaining much power.
It might as well be now that you become aware that you are being called to clean up this corrupt cesspool.
So I have some advice. Not a lot, but quite a lot:
Begin by interviewing Buster Olney of ESPN about the nuances of the infield fly rule. Once and for all, nail down when the rule applies and when it doesn’t. Get him to tell you how many men have to be on base for it to be enforced, how high the ball has to be hit in the air, to which infielder the ball has to be hit, and in which league, the National or America League, it is more frequently enforced.
Ask him why the rule exists, who came up with it, and whether anyone understands it or ever has? Was this a rule invented by some drunk umpires one night in a saloon in the Bronx in the 1920s? Was Babe Ruth at that party?
Once you gain clarity around all these issues, post a blog about it on Barstool Sports, a competitor with NGSCSports with a few hundred trillion more readers and Twitter followers but less classy and more crass. The blog post will need to have two videos, one of a shortstop pretending he is going to catch a fly ball, then dropping it on purpose, picking up the ball, and then whipping the ball to first base to make the out on the hitter who quit running because he hit a pop up.
The second video should show a batter lifting a pop up to the second baseman, the obese umpire screaming “infield fly rule,” the batter stopping and running to the dugout because he is automatically out, the second baseman pretending to the catch the ball but purposely dropping it, and then throwing the ball to first base for the out.
Your second assignment is to catch the next flight to wherever the office is that makes Major League Baseball rules. Walk into the office of the president and tell him that the designated hitter rule in the American League has never been a good idea and should be ended immediately. Tell the suit that it doesn’t make sense that one league allows designated hitters while the other doesn’t. It’s as cockamamie an idea as one league allowing beer drinking in the dugout while the other doesn’t; or one league permitting bubble gum chewing and the other not; or one league kicking out players for using cuss words and the other letting the bad words fly unchecked.
Your next assignment is to get the NFL to explain what is – and is not – a catch of a football. Call Commissioner Roger Goodell and demand that he create a 10-pager Power Point presentation showing all the different ways a catch is considered a catch. In one slide, for example, show a guy catching the ball up around his shoulders with his feet in bounds. Straightforward. Cool.
But then show another one where the guy has the ball but is falling to the ground and when he hits it the ball squirts out. In the caption, type “this is a catch because the ground can’t cause a fumble.”
Tell Goodell that no one understands anymore whether when a guy falls to the ground with the ball and fumbles it when it is clearly a fumble or when it’s not.
You will then have to make some other changes in the sports world. In swimming, your job is to make sure Michael Phelps swims in the 2020 Olympics even though he swears he is retired from the sport. Go to his house in Arizona and tell him that the world needs to see a guy who already has won 18 or 20 or whatever Gold Medals to win 7 or 8 more. Convince him that if he does this he will make certain that no one will ever win as many Gold Medals as he has in the Olympics even if the Games go on for five hundred million more years which will probably be after the world ends.
Turning to women’s softball, make it a rule that the players have to make less noise in the dugout of they will forfeit games.
And start your own spots blogging web site. Call it NCGSSports. Hire Sammy Sportface away from NGSCSports and pay him $25 per blog post, which is $25 more than he gets paid to post his junk on NGSCSports.
Looking ahead, you esteemed graduates, there is a whole lot of work that needs to be done to overhaul the mountains of messed up things in sports. Let the corruption, gambling, cheating, and trash talking continue. Don’t even think about trying to enforce a rule to prevent NFL players from doing dances in the end zone when they score touchdowns. America needs to see more dancing. Not enough of us go to see ballet. A polka, a shimmy, the Ickey Woods Shuffle, the Elmo Wright high-knee dance – keep all that.
I wish you all the best making a living in a sports world now bleeding due to a dearth of compelling content, scarce advertising revenues, and not enough Sammy Sportfaces.
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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