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I can see it all unfolding. All of us – Rudy, Moose, Brods, Teeth, Tooth, Spoog, Henny, Steve Collins, Peaches, Frank Ryan, Bert, Z, Head, Wolfford, Aussie, Glum, Flash, Athlete, Whit, Blum, Qweenie, Dankos, Bonkie, Rhett Butler, Walls, Zero Head, Zitface, Kevin Jez, Whit, Bippy, Squirty, and Snorty – and ten dozen more of these boyhood D.C. buddies all convening at a Motel 6 on the other side of the railroad tracks in New Orleans.
We will all be hunkering down for a three-day weekend culminating with a Skins Super Bowl victory on Sunday night – their fourth ever and first in 33 years which feels like 33 B.C.
We will bring our waffle irons, booze blenders, and 35 kegs of Budweisers and hang out there listening to Crash Adams’s “He’s So Shy,” Steve Miller’s “The Joker,” and Sportface’s new rap hit “Don’t Be Callin’ Us Salamanders, We Are the Washington Commanders.”
Ed Woodson will tell us he’s coming but “Ed” on us and not show up.
Rudy and Sportface will bunk together. While Rudy browses the Cheryl Tiegs Sports Illustrated fishnet edition, they’ll bicker about why Rudy wrecked their chances of winning the city title in eighth grade – and lifetimes of schoolboy sports immortality – by playing mind games with Sportface during pre-game layups lines.
On Friday night we’ll go to the Super Bowl pre-party where there will be a dunking pool game. Dan Snyder will be on the ledge and if our sponge hits the bulls-eye he’ll fall in the water. We’ll all storm the game and dunk him under water and force him to go home.
There will be a hypnotist booth where Sportface will spend most of his time sorting out who he is.
Doing double duty, Sportface will lead a panel discussion on the impact that Perplexity, Gemini, Llama, Copilot, and ChatGPT will have on the future of sports blogging.
“Sports bloggers will be replaced by machines,” he will proclaim. “There will be a chatbot pumping out countless Sportface blogs before too long and it will be more emotional and coherent and empathetic than any Sportface blog ever written. I hereby declare AI to be the winner and the future and the almighty force in this world.”
“Hey Sportface,” Rudy will say “This is the Super Bowl. No one wants to hear about AI and no one cares if you’ll be replaced. Truth is they want you to be replaced. Now shut up and get off the stage. Let’s go back to the Motel 6 and drain the Budweiser kegs.”
All of us will be wearing our Jayden Daniels #5 jerseys the entire weekend and ping-hog noses. The Hogs will be in the next room over: Jacoby, Grimm, and Bostic watching re-runs of their Super Bowl win over the Bills in 1991.
We’ll sleep in our jerseys and pig noses. Won’t wash or take them off until Sunday night after the Super Bowl win when we stay up all night and go swimming in the Motel 6 pool. Rudy will start laughing sheepishly as he did in Silver Lake one day after Nicola’s with Bert and Sportface.
We will run into other lifetime Washingtonians – John Riggins, Art Monk, Johnny Dawkins, Sluby, Dantley, Jo Jo Hunter, David Brooks, George Washington Carver, Maureen Dowd, Adrian Branch, Kelly Nugent, Dirf, Kevin Durant, Terry Preston, Zero Head, Tony Hartman, Barry Holmes, Brods, and Jacobin.
Everyone who has ever lived in Washington will be in New Orleans partying all weekend long getting live-wired to witness the Skins get snatch more Lombardi bling – a fourth NFL Super Bowl title trophy. At the center of it all will be Sportface.
Standing at a lectern Saturday night, Sportface will lead a pep rally in the Motel 6 parking lot that thousands of his boyhood friends and fellow Washingtonians will attend. George Foreman will be there grilling bratwurst on his grills. Pat McAfee will be there hosting TV coverage.
“This guy Sportface is becoming more popular than me,” he’ll say. “It’s a good thing AI’s going to replace him or I’d feel threatened he’s going to take my throne as the top dog in sports punditry. The dude’s a threat.”
The Redskins marching band will start blaring “Hail to the Redskins so loud the Superdome will shake.
Sportface’s speech will kick off this way:
“The Skins left us all feeling dark and downcast for 33 years,” he will say. “But this year’s team has revivified our faith and loyalty to this team we fell in love with as little boys. When I was a little boy my team was the Skins and they were the center of my life. They made me believe we could accomplish great things in our lives. Then they made me not believe. Everything in life got worse because they weren’t winning. A deep darkness descended. We suffered through the Dan Snyder Dark Ages. Losing destroyed our hopes and dreams and shattered everything we held dear.
Then they drafted JD. Then he threw the Hail Mary that crushed the hearts of the Bears. Then he threw the TD pass at the buzzer to beat the Body Bag Beagles. Then he led his boys into the Lions den and tamed them. The entire team played the best game in franchise history.
Then in the NFC title game, they went and fish-hooked Philly, reeled them in, and ended their season. We heaved them back in the Philly River.
Now we’re here. Zero Head even made the trip. The game starts on Sunday night. And we will all be there. We all paid $97,999 for our one ticket. We blew the scratch because some things are more important than stashing away money for retirement and groceries. Some things don’t have a price. Being here isn’t about money; it’s about friendship and loyalty and camaraderie of all Washingtonians, many of us old, some retired, all with regrets, grasping for one more rambunctious Redskin rally.
And we are all here for the same reason: because we know life is fleeting and flummoxing. Our Skins may never go to another Super Bowl. And we’re all getting up there in age closing in on the dirt naps. So we had to be here, before it all ends whenever that will be.
There’s no guarantee any of us will be around the next time they get here. We will go to eternity sometime and that’s a mystery for sure. But what isn’t a mystery is why we are here: to be together, rooting for the team that captivated us as little boys.”
Finishing with his oration, Sportface will take a bow.
“Waffles on me all night long,” he will yell.
The parking lot will erupt as the band plays “Hail to Sportface. Hail victory. Sportface on the warpath. To fight for all D.C.”
When the Skins win on Sunday night, Sportface will again sizzle waffles all night for all the fellas. Rudy will drink a bevy of Budweisers. Wolfford will pour liquor from his flask.
We will all talk about life, being boys, being old, and being back on the Skins bandwagon.
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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