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My Idea Man told me it wasn’t an interesting idea to write about quirky things we think about and do in the shower that shouldn’t be made public. So I decided to write about this exact topic.
Then he told me when he showers he thinks he’s in a Navy drill and washes and shampoos super fast and gets out in under three minutes worried Sergeant Hulka or Dewey Oxberger from “Stripes” are waiting outside in his bedroom to inspect how well he washed himself. Plus he’s concerned the Navy will shut the water off so wants to get done getting all the “essential parts” clean before the spigot runs dry. He challenges himself to shower so fast it’s as if the tree never fell in the forest. To him, showering is a game to be won.
When I shower I start rationalizing why it’s OK to be a fast food fanatic because life is short anyway and I need to stop feeling self-conscious about it. I think about songs I would like the Fez to play that they won’t if I suggest them because I’m me and they don’t want me messing up their band mojo they don’t think I know a good song as opposed to “We Built This City,” voted the worst song of all time by Billboard of somebody. I think about becoming the lead singer of The Fez and playing basketball for the University of Massachusetts, the one D1 school to offer me a scholarship, and how my life would be different now had I done that but it’s not at all clear how.
In the shower, I think about how often I forget to rinse the soap under my left underarm because the angle isn’t conducive to raising it high enough. I calculate mentally how often I blow off rinsing that underarm and it’s about 67 percent maybe higher.
I think about turning my back on the showerhead and leaning over to make sure I rinse nether regions.
Sometimes I sing in the shower. Lately, it’s “Squeeze” by Goodbye Girl, “Don McLean” by American Pie or Larry Snyder by “Cherub Rock”, “Rumby” by Tenderness or “Only in TJ’s Dreams ”by Debbie Gibson, “Wake Football” by Everybody Hurts and “Rip” by Stacey’s Mom.
I think about the fact that I haven’t washed my feet since 1997 because I can’t reach down that far.
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