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There are subtle, often indistinguishable, and remarkably unimportant differences between Taekwondo and Judo, two major Summer Olympic sports coming onto your flatscreen this summer. In both sports, the objective is to kick your opponent in the face, then swing around in a 360 spin and kick him in the face with your other foot.
One, two. Bamb.
At the speed of Insane Bolt.
Judo, you may be wondering, is the exact same sport as Taekwondo. The only reason it’s called Judo, I theorize, is because it originated in a different region of Southeast Asia from Taekwondo, like the Philippines instead of Hong Kong or Taiwan instead of Singapore or China instead of Laos. But like Taekwondo, the whole point of Judo is to pop your foe in the nose with a whiplash foot kick with the hope he will be knocked unconscious and fall flat on his face to the mat and check out for the evening, with a bloody nose.
Can you imagine being one of those face-kicking experts training today for the Taekwondo event? You stroll into your house after a long workout.
“How did your day go, honey?”
“Great, I kicked some guy in his face over and over and he fell to the ground, out light a light. Felt domineering. Stirred my libido. Hopefully, some other guy will show up at practice tomorrow and I’ll boot him in the jaw and he’ll drop. I get a kick out of kicking guys in the face before they can say ‘Hey wait a minute.’ ”
When you watch this event this summer, pay close attention to the foot speed of the contestants. You won’t be able to see the pace of their kicks with the naked eye but may be able to track it on slow-motion replay or using a microscope, a telescope, or GPS. See the feet connect with the face, watch the pain, see the fall. One, two, down goes Frazier, down goes Frazier.
The only difference between Judo and Taekwondo is in Judo the contestants can also slug each other in the face bare-handed. So it’s a little more violent. More blood spills. MMA. Gladiator light.
The Gold Medal favorite in Judo is Narly Nose; Face Bend is the favorite in Taekwondo.
Which brings us to Karate. I want to know why the Karate Kid wasn’t invited to this summer’s Olympics at least for an exhibition sport if not real competition. It would be the first time a TV show star would parlay his skills into an Olympics event and that’s important.
Karate is a little different from Taekwondo. You don’t kick or slug the other guy in the face. You tomahawk chop him slicing across his countenance at an angle as if you’re carving his face with a machete, causing abrasions, and scrapes. Those win you Gold.
Picture the Atlanta Braves fans. That’s a karate chop.
If there was such an event this summer, and if he’s still alive, The Karate Kid would be the favorite to win Gold. If he’s not alive, he won’t win.
I know you’re wondering whether any Americans have a shot at the medal podium. The short answer is no because we lack the foot speed of Southeast Asians.
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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