To: Mark Cuban
BCC: Luka’s Mom
Subject Line: Trade Me For Durant Now
This email is my official demand to be traded to the Brooklyn Nets for Kevin Durant. You can then reunite Durant with his beloved teammate, Kyrie Self-Serving, for your sorry-ass Dallas Mavericks franchise.
I’ll go to New York and become the biggest star there since Joe Namath, wearing wear mink coats to all the swishy big-city nightclubs while bigwigs buy me dinner every night. Meanwhile, you’ll get to try easing dysfunctional tensions between KD and Kyrie Self-Serving. It’ll tax all your “Shark Tank” business and leadership skills.
I will never get along with Kyrie Self-Serving as a teammate or person – no one has or ever will. Kyrie does not care about me or winning games or me winning the MVP, which is what I care about. Kyrie only cares about Kyrie and social causes and winning the MVP himself.
I will become a miserable European being around a narcissist who will blame me for everything that goes wrong with the team. He’ll screw up my basketball career and life. I’ll end up back in Europe depriving American basketball fans of the joy they feel watching me play ball.
What are you thinking, Mark? Trying to be clever? You’re a successful businessman known for making shrewd investments. But you shot a brick on this one. Bringing Kyrie Selfish onto your team is the most idiotic decision I’ve seen since coming to America and, as you know, America does a lot of stupid things.
Kyrie Self-Serving has a proven track record of blowing off superstar teammates and causing mayhem. Why, Mark, did you trade for him? Is this a publicity stunt? Want to drive broader awareness of the Mark Cuban global brand by generating buzz about yourself? Should we call you Cuban Self-Serving? Are you serving Cuba or the United States?
I thought you were smarter than this. Do you want a good team? Don’t sign the world’s worst teammate. Want to annoy your franchise’s biggest star, me, Luka? Make me play with a selfish basketball player who will reduce his shots, scoring average, win percentage, and enjoyment of the sport.
This will never work.
Trade me now. Doncic is done with Dallas.
Luka “Boy Wonder” Doncic
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