You can read a billion blogs and magazine articles with tips for how to improve your mental approach to golf, swing more effectively and consistently and lower your overall score. But so many of those are repetitive and not very helpful.
This blog is different: It will get your golf game and overall golf experience in the shape you’ve always fantasized about. You’ll also strengthen bonds with your Baby Boomer Brotherhood golfing buddies. Sit back and soak in these five golden golf tips.
Tip 1: When you arrive at the golf course, go to the clubhouse before doing anything else. Check out the menu. See if they offer onion rings and tater tots. If not, go to another course where they do because after your round of golf you’ll want to devour these oily side orders certain to raise your cholesterol levels.
Tip 2: At the first tee, take out your driver even if it’s a short par 3. Start stretching your arms and legs using the driver as your dancing prop. Twirl it around and set it behind your head. Bend over. Stretch your quads. Do 15 jumping jacks with the club swinging in your hand. Do 15 sit-ups with the driver resting on your belly.
As your playing partners watch you go through this routine, they’ll start asking you questions like “What are you doing?” or “Come on we need to tee off. The next foursome is waiting for us.” Or “Why are you such an asshole?”
When ready to hit your ball, strut up to it like Danny Zucco did when he joined the track team in “Grease” for that one day in his high-black Converse All-Stars.
Swing at your ball. Watch it dribble into the gulley 40 feet away. Grab another ball and say you’ll play your second shot from 280 yards in the middle of the fairway. Tell your playing partners that’s your Mulligan.
Tip 3: When your playing partners are taking their practice swings, pretend to be talking on your smartphone with some blowhards so they get distracted and shank their shots. Or hang a loogey into the grassy tee area nearby making sure it’s right during their backswings. Or if you think that’s inappropriate, in the middle of their backswings ask them about how much money they make.
Tip 4: On the front nine, tell your partners you need to use the restroom and request that they wait to continue the round until you’re done. Take your time in the jiffy john. Make them wait. Sit there for a while after you’re done. This will frustrate them and make them dislike you. Their anger will cause them to lose concentration on golf and therefore hit a bunch of bad shots. You, meanwhile, will have a better chance of beating them because you won’t be as agitated.
Tip 5: On the 18th green, tell the guys you forgot your credit card so won’t be able to pay for your post-game drinks and meal. But suggest the others pitch in so you can eat and drink like a hog after the round.