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There Head sits, his dome twice as big as the size of a moon bounce, atop the lifeguard chair in Bethany Beach. Today is a beach-wide celebration of the enormity of his colossal cranium, which swells well above the three-story hotel balconies on the Bethany boardwalk.
Sporting his red, white, and blue “American Patriots Rule” T-shirt, Head reads aloud to the beach crowd from his hard copies of the American Constitution, Declaration of Independence, and Federalist Papers.
Neurosurgeons crowd near the chair to study the size of Head’s cranium. They take notes and video footage for an upcoming medical conference presentation.
Drones, careful not to fly too close to Head’s head, take aerial video and still shots. Georgetown University medical school students join the surgeons. They’re on a field trip for a summer school anatomy class in which they’re learning about a super-sized human melon. Head agrees to their request to be a guest lecturer in one of their classes this coming Fall.
Caught up in the hoopla, NBC’s “Today Show” is filming this beach spectacle. And Head tapes an interview from the chair with Conan O’Brien for the comedian’s upcoming podcast.
From beach jetty to beach jetty, kids and their parents feverishly build sandcastles of Head’s dome. The contest is simple. Build the biggest castle of his Head and you win.
For guidance, the dads study Head’s head and diagram it in the sand as the kids pile the sand higher, farther, and wider than they ever have in their sandcastle careers.
Head, the celebrity everyone has come to see, continues reading from patriotic literature and gets so impassioned he stands on the lifeguard chair and shouts the political rants out to sea awakening the sharks and whales.
But he loses his balance. And falls off the chair. His head hits the sand first, blowing a 779-foot gaping deep hole in the ground. He falls to the bottom of the hole. So do all the others on the beach as the ocean water pours in.
The water washes over the sandcastles. Pandemonium breaks out on the beach. Lifeguards dive in to save the people.
Head pushes his head above the rising tide and continues to read from his wet paper American patriotism documents. The pressure from his exploding head crowds out everyone else in the sand hole. Like popcorn seeds, they pop out and onto the beach.
Everyone survives. But they’re now running away from Head’s noggin like in the scene from “Jaws” when the shark eats the kid on the raft. The beaches are cleared except for Head. He gets back on his lifeguard chair, continuing to scream about what’s wrong with his country.
Then a stray drone hovers too low and knocks into the side of his head. The drone disintegrates into hundreds of pieces. Head’s cranium remains intact.
“America is number one,” he says. “We need to stick together and become one. We’ve got to start using our heads.”
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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