Some men lose their hair starting in late high school. And some sport shiny dome heads by the end of college such as my friend Birdman; or certainly by their late forties like, say, Arnold Bradley Fagg. Ahhhhh, the life of a man.
Then there are the rare exceptions, the hair outliers. I ran into one of these freaks of hair recently. My friend JMAC, who is 60 years old, has a full noggin of slightly curly gray hair.
No comb-over. No high forehead whatsoever. Just hair everywhere. Ninety-nine percent of us didn’t have as full a head of hair at age 12 as JMAC does today. Bushy, powerful, unrelenting, MAC’s hair is everywhere.
We should take a picture of it and send it to Rogaine and tell them JMAC credits that product for his whole head of hair. And they’d send him a royalty check and ask him for a testimonial which he would not give them because he doesn’t believe in spending time on things that don’t interest him.
A picture of JMAC lying in his hammock showing his hair should be taken and placed in the Museum of Natural Hair for people to gawk at. “Look at that gray-haired man,” some kid will say. “He’s got a full head of hair. Was that the style back in the 1800s?”
As complete as it looks compared with the rest of us Baby Boomer Baldies, his hair seems out of place sort of like a Baby Boomer Brother hosting a Tupperware party for women who used to play college softball.
There are millions of guys in high school who have lost more hair than JMAC.
“I have to go to get a haircut constantly,” says JMAC. “The barber is fascinated with my hair. He likes to run his fingers through it. I find that creepy though understandable so I let him cop a feel.”
JMAC complains it’s actually more of a curse than a blessing to have lost no hair at such an old age. He can’t get it to fall out. Several times he’s yanked it out but it keeps growing back in full. His hair cuppeth runneth over.
He says he looks like a Chia Pet – and he’s spot on. A fad sensation in the 1980s, Chia Pets are fully hairy figurines of puppies, kittens, and frogs. And people have been depicted as Chia Pets including Abraham Lincoln and George Washington.
“I wish my hair would fall out,” said JMAC. “I want to look like all my other man friends who have shiny domes like Brad and Sonny. Having a full head of Chia Pet hair at my age makes me feel out of touch with the times. It’s like having a large left testicle like my friend Will.”