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Fed up fighting social injustices, LeBron James announced today the decision that he’s taking his talents to the transfer portal, the place where athletes go to snag narcissistic personal glory and money-making schemes in the world of sports.
James, who according to his right bicep is The Chosen One by God Himself, said he’s entering the portal as a college football player and, because he never went to college, has four years of eligibility. He’s especially excited about the flexibility the transfer portal affords him. He can enter or exit an unlimited number of times during this time period while transferring to different colleges anytime he wants day or night.
“I’m done with the Tinseltown Lakers, pursuing more NBA championships and changing the world using my superstar platform,” he said from the transfer portal at the LAX Airport. “I’m entering the portal with the knowledge that some major college football program will pick me up to play tight end and safety for them next season. I’ve got four years to capitalize on my name, image, and likeness like no athlete ever has and live a revolving door life in the transfer portal if I feel like it.”
James entered the portal through the Relaxation Portal where Tony Soprano and his hitmen plotted another murder while drinking scotch, listening to rock music, and watching expressive dancing.
To avoid being noticed because of his fame while at the same time enjoying himself, Nick Saban chilled in the lounge taking a day off after his team whacked Cincinnati to make the national championship game next weekend. His day of peace was disrupted when a reporter from the transfer portal’s Press Portal, Sammy Sportface, spotted him.
“So what do you think about LeBron entering the portal and taking his talents to college football?” asked Sportface.
“I think LeBron has potential to be the first college football player to win the Heisman Trophy playing both ways on offense and defense,” said Saban. “He’d be one of the better athletes Alabama has ever recruited but we’ve had better ones I’m sure.”
“But do you think he’s too old at 38 to be a productive college football player?” asked Sportface.
“That may be the case, and if it is I’ll be the first one to tell LeBron he needs to enter the transfer portal,” said Saban.
The coach who has won six college football national championships said he can’t wait to see the King in his jockstrap in the portal’s Meat Market today, which ESPN will televise in primetime later today. All coaches convene in the Meat Market every day to study transfer portal guys rocking nothing but jockstraps.
“That’s where all the big transfer portal decisions get made with guys posing all strapped on. It’s even more entertaining than the Relaxation Portal we’re lounging in right now.”
To be continued…
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Sammy Sportface, a sports blogger, galvanizes, inspires, and amuses The Baby Boomer Brotherhood. And you can learn about his vision and join this group's Facebook page here:
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